Artificial Sweetener

One day the Chief Executive Officer of Fizza Fizz Inc., the land of Anywhere's largest producer of sweet, fizzy soda drinks sat mulling over a problem that was both a problem and an opportunity (as problems often are, that being a reflection of the duality of the Universe).

     The problem in question was sugar. Sugar was, by far, the most expensive ingredient in Fizza Fizz's soda drinks. The company had already sacked nearly all its workers in Anywhere and shipped all its production facilities to slave labour far-away lands and utilised it's financial power over puppet politicians to ensure it paid virtually no tax; this left sugar as the only obvious Input where the CEO could think Costs could be Cut and Profits Increased.

      In fact, the more the CEO thought about it, the more he came to realise that if a a way could be found to replace the sugar in Fizza Fizz's soda drinks, the saving would be vast – only a small amount per can or bottle of soda, but multiply that by the hundreds of millions of sugary drinks Fizza Fizz sold every year and, well, the potential saving were Huge with a capital Aitch!

      Hmm. But sugar is that basis of our drinks, thought the CEO, how could we replace it?

      Of course!

      Artificial Sweetener!

   If we could replace sugar, a real product that costs real money, with a chemical that costs virtually nothing to produce but tastes sweet...well...then it's bonuses all round!

     And with that happy thought the CEO summoned the Fizza Fizz's Chief Scientific Officer to his office and instructed him that he had six months to create an Artificial Sweetener – and that he, the CSO, would receive a huge bonus if successful but lose his job if not.
   Six months later, the CSO returned to the CEO's office to inform him of the results of his endeavours to produce an Artificial Sweetener. The conversation between the two men went like this:

CSO: “So, CEO, I now have the results of our research and experimentation into the Artificial Sweetener that you requested. I am happy to say that we have invented a sweet tasting chemical that could replace sugar in our drinks – the chemical is entirely synthetic and costs virtually nothing to produce!”

CEO: “Oh well done, CSO, that truly is fantastic news, how quickly can we start producing and using this marvellous new chemical?”

CSO: “Ahh...well, sir...there are some issues that could be...err...problematic...”

CEO: “Problematic? Hmm, given the amount of money that could be saved here these issues would have to be very problematic – tell me what they are.”

CSO: “Okay, first off...the Artificial Sweetener does taste sweet but it has rather a nasty after taste.”

CEO: “No, no, no...that's not a problem. That's just a matter of educating the consumer – I've thought about this one! If our drinks no longer contain sugar then they no longer contain calories so we advertise that fact to the maximum and get out tame presstitutes in the media to write article after article about the health benefits of our new calorie free drinks, and, also, we spread that information all over FakeBook and Unsocial Media and, before you know it, customers will be persuading themselves that not only do our drinks with Artificial Sweetener taste exactly the same as those with sugar but also that they're doing themselves good by watching their waistlines!”

CSO: “Oh, yes, the obesity thing. Actually, that's another issue. I'm afraid that the Artificial Sweetener interferes with the body's pancreatic system, makes it less able to deal with and recognise other sugars in a person's diet....so...uhm...I'm afraid people consuming drinks with our Artificial Sweetener in are more likely, ironically, to become obese. Oh, and more likely to develop diabetes.”

CEO: “Oh, good grief, now you're being silly. These are not problems, they are further opportunities! Don't you see...people with diabetes get more thirsty than healthy people and obese people will worry more about their weight – so in both cases they'll drink even more of our sodas to help with their diets....hold on, wait a moment...of course! We'll call our new Artificial Soda drinks Diet Sodas. Hah! I'm a genius! It's snatching ideas like that out of the blue that explains why I'm CEO of this company!”

CSO: “Yes sir, of course sir. But these health issues will adversely affect our getting Regulatory Approval for our Artificial Sweetener.”

CEO: “Not at all. You under-estimate the power of Fizza Fizz Inc.. This business is hugely successful and we own other massive concerns like SickBuckets coffee and cake shops and the McSlurry Burger chain – we have countless puppet politicians in our pockets and they'll ensure that regulatory approval is a breeze; to be honest, we're almost at the point of self-regulation, anyway. So, is that it, or are there any other issues I need to know about it? As things stand, I have to say I think this whole Artificial Sweetener is looking very, very promising, fantastic in fact!”

CSO: “Well, there is one other thing. Potentially a very problem...”

CEO: “And that is?...”

CSO: “The Artificial Sweetener is carcinogenic. Prolonged use will cause some people to develop potentially fatal brain tumours.”

CEO: “Oh, come on, CSO, turn that frown upside down! Again, this is not a problem. If some Ordinary Person develops a brain tumour from drinking our sodas then what are they going to do about it? Take us to court? Of course not, they can't afford it! And even if they could then, just as we have tame, puppet politicians working for us, we also have tame, puppet scientists working for us who can be funded to produce scientific report after scientific report stating absolutely that our Artificial Sweetener is definitely not carcinogenic. Worst case worst case is that some Ordinary Person does manage to take us to court and does win. What happens then? Not much, our tame presstitutes won't report the case so nobody will find out about it and we'll have to make some kind of financial settlement which will be inconsequential compared to the amount of money we're saving by not paying out for sugar...the whole affair would become just a minor cost of doing business, nothing more.”

“So, CSO, in summary, nothing you have told me today persuades me that substituting sugar in our sodas for Artificial Sweetener is anything but a fantastic and extremely profitable idea. Congratulations on your hard work, now go away and scale up production – I want Artificial Sweetener in all our sodas by the end of the year!”