At First Glance

It was my day at college, and I was more nervous than I had ever been before.

That morning I had spent time getting ready. My white shirt was perfectly ironed, my blue skirt was neat, and my makeup was light. I had carefully done my hair. I kept looking at myself in the mirror, trying to convince myself that I looked confident.

I didn't feel confident at all.

As I sat on the bus, I held my bag tightly in my lap. Stared out of the window. My mind was filled with questions.

Will I be able to make friends?

What will everyone think of me?

What if I don't fit in?*

I kept thinking about it all the way to college.

When I finally arrived, I stepped off the bus. Looked around.

There were students talking, laughing, and walking together and already seeming completely comfortable with one another.

I suddenly froze.

For a moment I felt like I was the person who didn't belong there.

I took a breath and started walking toward the building.

Then I noticed something.

Several girls had suddenly stopped talking.

They were all looking toward the entrance.

Curious, I followed their gaze.

Then I saw him.

Baris.

My heart stopped.

Out of all the people I could have expected to see on my day, he was the one person I had never imagined would be there.

I had known Baris since childhood.

Not personally; we had never really talked. I had always noticed him.

For years I had secretly admired him from a distance.

He was tall and incredibly handsome. Always carried himself with a quiet seriousness. He wasn't someone who easily mixed with people. He preferred being alone with a book in his hands.

There was something about his distant personality that made him even more attractive.

Apparently I wasn't the one who thought so.

I could hear girls whispering around me.

"Baris is here."

"He's so handsome."

"He's everyone's crush."

I barely heard them.

I was too busy staring at the boy who had been my crush for years.

Then, as if he could somehow feel my eyes on him, Baris looked up.

Our eyes met.

My heart began pounding.

I immediately looked away.

Don't stare, Mina.

Please don't stare.

I tried to keep walking. My nervousness only grew.

A little later I sat down with the students.

A boy sitting beside me noticed how nervous I was and smiled.

"Would you like some coffee?"

I looked at him.

I wanted to answer. My mind went completely blank.

I was already nervous enough. Now I didn't even know what to say.

So I just stayed silent.

He looked at me for a second, then laughed softly.

"Okay... I'll take that as a no."

I gave him a smile.

"I'm Zamil," he added casually.

"Mina," I managed to say.

"Nice to meet you, Mina."

Before I could respond, I suddenly noticed someone standing beside me.

I looked up.

It was Baris.

He was standing there as if he wanted to talk to me.

My heart started racing.

Was he really going to talk to me?

I didn't know what to do.

What if he realized that I had liked him for years?

What if he could somehow see it in my eyes?

What if he could hear how loudly my heart was beating?

I panicked.

Before he could say anything, I quickly stood up. Walked away.

I didn't even know where I was going.

I just knew I had to escape.

I was terrified that if I stayed there he would somehow discover the feelings I had kept hidden for long.

Eventually I found my classroom. Quietly took my seat.

Everyone was already settling down.

Soon the first period began.

For a while I focused on the lecture. Tried to forget everything that had happened.

Then I heard a chair move behind me.

I didn't think much of it.

Until I slowly realized who had taken the seat behind me.

Baris.

I immediately faced the board.

Course.

Out of every seat in the classroom he had to sit behind me.

I tried to concentrate on the lecture. Knowing he was sitting there made it almost impossible.

A few minutes passed.

Curiosity finally won.

I slowly turned around.

Baris had his head resting on his folded arms.

He was asleep.

I stared at him.

For the time I could look at him without worrying about being caught.

He looked different when he was asleep.

Peaceful.

Almost innocent.

The usual distance in his expression had disappeared.

I didn't even realize how long I had been staring.

Then his eyes suddenly opened.

He lifted his head.

Looked directly at me.

Our eyes met.

I froze.

For a second neither of us looked away.

His gaze was calm. There was something unreadable in his eyes.

My heart was beating so loudly that I was convinced he could hear it.

Then I immediately turned back toward the board.

Beside me, Zamil, the boy who had offered me coffee, had witnessed everything.

He looked at me. Started laughing.

I whispered, "What?"

He shook his head, trying not to laugh.

"Nothing."

"Then why are you laughing?"

He leaned closer.

"Why are you so confused?"

"I'm not confused."

He gave me a smile.

"Sure, Mina."

I turned back toward the board, pretending to pay attention.

I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened.

Baris was sitting directly behind me.

Zamil was sitting beside me, already suspicious of my behavior.

I was trying desperately to hide a secret I'd been carrying for years.

Because maybe that morning wasn't the beginning of my first day at college.

Maybe it was the beginning of something.

Something I had never expected.

Something that had started long before we ever spoke, with a glance.