Caffeine Comfort

I recognize and acknowledge, that I am an addict.

It wasn't my intention to become addicted to the black drug, but with the first few sips of hot comfort, I was hooked.

I had resisted the urge to imbibe for a long time. When most people begin their love affair with caffeine, during college years, I was not tempted. Then one day, I thought I was missing out on something great and I was tempted. Thus began my love affair with caffeine.

At first a little went a long way. Then I needed more and more to get the same high delivered from the lower doses. By the time I realized that I needed to stop, I couldn't. It had such a powerful hold over me. Stopping seemed impossible. I had a whole routine around coffee and emotional ties to my routine.

I grew irritated if anything or anyone messed up my coffee routine. Going on vacation? That was a threat to my whole caffeine routine. I wouldn't be able to make my own coffee just the way I like it, or when I liked it, or drink it in my preferred location out of my favorite mug, surrounded by just the right things to enhance my experience.

I was in bondage to a substance I never wanted to like, and it felt impossible to ever be free.

The fear of the unknown, who would I be without the caffeine, ran through my mind each time I considered letting it go. It's been my identity for several decades, loyal caffeine consumer.

The fear of the caffeine withdrawal headaches, fatigue, and a whole host of unpleasant withdrawal symptoms was enough to send me running in the opposite direction, thereby defeating my good intentions with just a few frightening thoughts.

What if I couldn't handle the withdrawal process? There are no caffeine withdrawal support programs for this very much, legal, addictive drug. How could I do this alone?

I had tried and failed, on several occasions, using the gradual wean off the bean method, but as of yet, have not had long-term success.

My intentions are good, my follow-through is top notch, my consistency is abysmal.

So, I continue to struggle each morning with shakes associated from the overnight caffeine withdrawal till I get my first hit of caffeine surging through my bloodstream. The pounding headaches begin at the slightest delay of ingestion of my first morning dose followed by daily battle with heartburn from the acids eating my stomach lining. All amounting to being totally hooked from the first few glorious sips several decades ago leading to the downhill spiral of addiction creating only negative momentum in my life.

But this time, I am determined. It has run its course and the race is over. Armed with a new frustration and being older and wiser than the last time, I will once again give it a go. I resolve to quit cold turkey all caffeine as of right now.

I have realized I must treat myself like any other addict. I will abstain from all caffeine including tea and decaf versions of caffeine containing products. I will refrain from entering tempting environments.

I must ready myself for what is to come, body, mind, and soul.

Wish me luck. Here I go.

But first, let me have one last cup!