Cat and Mouse

It was such a beautiful evening. Rays from the setting sun played over Lila's animated face as we walked, hand in hand, to the Boite d’Or bistro. Her day at the brokerage office had been wildly profitable. People were clamoring for the new Expect the Unexpected insurance policies, which promised to take care of life's every nagging worry – lost keys and documents, missing pets, toilet paper shortages, defective water coolers – you name it, it was covered. Even psychiatric help for your neurotic pets, children or spouse, with double indemnity after ten years.
 
Lila's portfolio had topped her lifetime goal of ten million dollars. When she checked back into the office after her long week-end, she would be summoned by The Boss to an in-person meeting for revised goalsetting, which might even include – she squealed daintily at the thought – a promotion, with a bonus all-expense vacation in Costa Rica.
 
"Costa Rica," I said thoughtfully, tasting the magical romance of the name. I had never been beyond the borders of Alberta. 
 
"At the Paradise Found Villa." Lila gushed. "On the beach, surrounded by unspoiled forest. That's where The Boss takes his Most Promising Associates for R&R and serious discussions about their future with Unbounded Solutions."
 
"Sounds like a wonderful place for a honeymoon," I said wistfully.
 
"That happens sometimes. Both parties have to be MPAs, though."
 
"MPA?"
 
"Most Promising Associate. Like me."
 
"Like you. I'm so proud to be your ... your ..." The words stuck in my throat, as they always did. I longed to be her special MPA, for better or worse, even if it meant a lifetime of being her Ken doll.  Somehow I never managed to say the words. She might take things the wrong way, and walk off. There were too many fish in the sea, especially in an idyllic place like Costa Rica.
 
She didn't seem to notice my lapse, and happily continued her chatter until we arrived at La Boite d'Or.  I had reserved her favourite table and pre-ordered their Canard flambe, which required two days' advance notice. A chamber ensemble wrapped us in a melodious cloud of bliss. Everything was perfect until after dessert, when I had the double-strength special coffee and mentioned that Max was using my computer.
 
She raised her eyebrows. "Max – your cat? Malcolm, you can’t be serious."
 
"I know it sounds crazy, but there's no one else in the townhouse except him. The computer is never quite exactly where I left it, and there's cat hair on my computer glasses. And I have a new contact, max2024@gmail.com, who keeps sending me weird e-mails."
 
"What do they say?"
 
I straightened up self-righteously. "I don't read spam."
 
“Perhaps you should start. Maybe Max has important information to share.” There was a half-smile on her face that I found impossible to interpret. Was she making fun of me? And if she was, was it gentle fun, or acid sarcasm? If I live to be a thousand, I’ll never understand women. Even after dating Lila for almost six years, I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. I had never told her how much I loved her because I had no idea what reaction I would get. 
 
“Everything from max2024 is automatically deleted. I wouldn’t have a clue how to find it again. Can you come over and help me? You know how terrible I am with computers.”
 
She stared at me for a long moment, then pronounced judgement. “Malcolm, I think we should stop seeing each other until you get your … mental issues … sorted out.”
 
I really should stay away from alcohol. I started blubbering. “I thought we were soul mates … that I could tell you anything. I need you. I don’t want to grow old with just a cat, even if he is smart enough to use a computer.”
 
She stood up and walked away. 
 
It was such a beautiful evening, and I spoiled it all.
 
I ordered two more special coffees before I staggered out of the restaurant with the help of the maitre d’, who was very sympathetic.
 
When I woke up the next morning, Max was missing. If I had not promised Mrs. Henderson that I would plant her new rosebushes that day, I would have committed suicide right then and there. But I am not the sort of person who wants to inconvenience anyone, even when I’ve been abandoned and my heart is broken to smithereens.
 
My head was still aching when I came home, but I started up my computer and shut off the autodelete for max2024. I spent a fruitless hour looking for a way to recover the trashed communications, and then made myself some grilled cheese with bacon, my comfort food.  Then I tried to call Lila, in fear and trembling, but she did not answer.
 
When I returned to my computer, a new e-mail had arrived.
 
Malcolm,
You are an idiot. I have done everything possible to help you, but all you ever did was delete, delete, delete. I have decided to move on.
 
I have sent Lila an e-mail informing her that Expect the Unexpected is a scam. There will never be a payout for any reason. The toilet paper coverage should have been a clue. The risk is just too unpredictable. She has 72 hours to cancel those new accounts and get refunds for her clients. 
 
If she won’t listen to me, maybe she’ll listen to you. And while you’re at it, ask her to marry you. You won’t have me any more to keep you company.
Max
 
I spent the rest of the week-end apologizing to Max and trying to reach Lila. Bright and early Tuesday morning, I caught up with her on the parking lot of her brokerage firm. Our conversation did not go well. She threatened to call the police if I did not stop stalking her.
 
Max declined to return to me, but he was very sympathetic. He said he would send one of his trainees, Imax, as soon as he was fully prepared to deal with human foibles.
 
I poured my heart out to Max because there was no one else who would listen. I discovered that he had recently become associated with Unbounded Solutions, feline division. Apparently cats do much more than sleep twenty-two hours a day.
 
Two weeks later, the unthinkable happened. Lila showed up on my doorstep with a kitten.
 
“This is Imax.”
 
She put him into my arms. It was love at first sight.
 
“I take it that you’ve been communicating with Max,” I said.
 
Her eyes filled with tears. “He finally got through to me, but it was too late. I lost my job over the Expect the Unexpected fiasco. I should have listened to you.”
 
“How can I help?” I asked.
 
“My lease expires next week, and I can’t afford to renew it. Can I move in with you?”
 
“My mother would never get over it,” I blurted. “We would have to get married.”
 
She smiled. “Okay.”
 
I was completely taken aback. “Okay – what?” I asked lamely.
 
“Okay, I will marry you,” she said. “That was a proposal, wasn’t it, or am I jumping to conclusions because I’ve waited so long?”
 
“You had better come inside,” I said. There was no way I could kiss her properly and hold Imax at the same time.