Dear Josh

Dear Josh,
 
When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he always opens a window. How many times have I heard that saying? And yet somehow I never quite believed it. Not that is until I met you.
 
Do you remember how we met? It was cold that day, cold and wet. I had just been down to the churchyard - to see Sean. We had thought it was forever he and I, Sean and Kaitlyn. "The Inseparables" that's what people used to call us. We went everywhere together, shared everything. Even when we felt as though the whole world was against us, we could find a bright side to laugh at. It was love.
 
We had planned to get engaged on my eighteenth birthday. But then one day, just a week before my birthday - it happened.
 
I remember how I cried when I understood the awful truth. I couldn't believe he was dead. My Sean. My wild, crazy, loving Sean. He looked so limp lying there, like a bird with a broken wing.
 
Even two years later, the pain hadn't dulled. I wanted to kill the driver who had knocked him off his motorbike and deprived him of his life. I visited him every day, taking fresh flowers and clearing away the weeds. His grave was the only well-kept one there apart from hers - Olivia's.
 
That was where we met. You looked so lonely as you walked away from her grave and I pitied you. I guessed that you must be feeling exactly as I felt about Sean.
 
All around us the rain was dripping from the leaves as if the trees themselves were crying for our sorrow. I offered to share my umbrella with you. Somehow I felt as if I had to get to know you. Perhaps you felt the same, I don't know, but after only a moment's hesitation you agreed.
 
You offered to walk me home but I didn't want you to see where I lived. I was ashamed of the place.
 
My parents had split up not long after Sean’s accident – Mum had turned to drink and Dad had walked out. I wished Mom didn’t drink so much, but I didn’t know how to make her stop. I never took people back to the house because I couldn’t be sure what sort of state she'd be in.
 
Usually she was just slumped in a chair asleep, but dishevelled and dirty, and I loved her too much to let anyone see her in that state. But other times she would get agitated, screaming and crying, She was never violent, but people still worried that she would be.
 
I didn't tell you any of this at first, not until I knew you much better. But you never asked for an explanation. Lots of people would have done. Some would have taken it personally, but you were different. It didn't matter to you that I couldn't or wouldn't explain and you promised never to come round. Instead I walked you to your door and we arranged to meet up the next day.
 
We talked for a long time and discovered that we had lots in common, besides the fact that we had both lost someone we loved. We understood each other. Neither of us could ever take the place of the one we had lost, but we both knew and accepted that. We helped each other over the worst of it. There was something special between us and I think we both realised that.
 
Often we didn't have to speak to know what the other was thinking. A smile or a touch said far more than words ever could. I'll never forget the first time we kissed. You held me so gently and then tilted my chin upwards so that I was forced to look into your eyes. I had never noticed before how deep a brown they were. The way you kissed though - it was just like Sean and for a brief moment my eyes filled with tears. I quickly blinked them back but I could see that you were affected too.
 
Maybe I reminded you of Olivia. From that moment on however we were never out of each other's sight. We belonged together like Romeo and Juliet or Antony and Cleopatra. We even discussed marriage.
 
You helped me more than you will ever know when I was trying to come to terms with Sean's death. You never talked much about Olivia, but I know that I helped you get over her.
 
In the summer we went to the seaside together, just for the day. Do you remember that? We played in the sea as though we were a couple of kids without a care in the world. And then that big wave came and splashed you, catching you completely unawares. I couldn't help the peal of laughter that escaped from within me at the look of surprise on your face, and soon you were laughing too. I think that that was the first time I had heard you laugh.
 
We scoured the gift shops looking for a souvenir of the day and you bought me a coral necklace. We ate too much candyfloss and lost a fortune in the amusement arcades. And then we finished the day off with a moonlight walk along the beach.
 
And then there was your birthday parry when you and I danced together all night. Yes, we had fun that summer.
 
But soon summer was over and the red and gold leaves of autumn set in - and I suddenly realised with surprise that I hadn't been to see Sean for three months.
 
Autumn was soon replaced by the first snow of winter. Do you remember how we had that first snowball fight? It started when I dropped an icicle down the back of your shirt. You squealed like a little girl, but then you declared war and we bombarded each other with snowballs. Afterwards we made an enormous snowman in your front garden.
 
Later that night we both sat together by a roasting fire, eating the Chinese food that you had bravely battled your way down to the takeaway for.
 
With winter came Christmas and parties and Christmas shopping. I came shopping with you and helped you pick out presents for your family. I didn’t really have anyone to buy for. I lost touch with my friends after Sean – one by one they stopped coming round – and mum wouldn’t even notice that it was Christmas.
 
Shortly after that came Jane's party, and that's where I met Steve. I was totally taken aback by him. He was Sean's cousin you know, and the two of them resembled each other so closely that for a moment I really thought it was Sean, back from the dead.
 
I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I left your side. I wanted to get close to Steve, to see if he was like Sean in more than just looks. I sat as close to him as I could, but he didn’t even notice me.
 
I was devastated, but you understood as you always did. That was another test that our relationship passed. This time I thought it really was forever you and I. We could have been so happy together, but you had to go and spoil it, didn't you?
 
We had become separated again in the crush, and then I saw you chatting to Steve. I was too far away to hear what he said, but I could read his lips: “Josh, there's something you need to know about Kaitlyn.,."
 
You could have refused to listen, but you didn't. You were just too curious. You had promised never to try and find me unless we had agreed on a time and place to meet, but you stood and listened while he told you where I could be found. It could have been so good, but now it has to be over.
 
Goodbye. I'll miss you.
 
Kaitlyn xxx
 
Josh finished re-reading the letter in silence, then slowly folded it and put it back in the envelope.
 
It had been hard losing two close friends like that. First Olivia and now Kaitlyn. He didn't blame her though; he had needed her at the time and she had sensed that. And perhaps he had helped her too - she had found death so hard to accept.
 
Gently he placed a single red rose on the ground in front of him, and walked away. He didn't look back and he never returned.
 
Behind him the sun caught the inscription on the stone: Kaitlyn Johnson. Beloved daughter. Died 2nd April 2022.
 
Sean hadn't been the only one to die in the accident...