Deathbed Confession of a Limerician

“I’ve guarded this secret for years.
The memory brings me to tears.
It’s time to confess
And relieve all this stress.
Lean in closer so no one else hears.

“María, my beautiful bride,
You know that I always have tried
To speak only rhyme
And to keep perfect time.
How my cleverness fills me with pride!

“From even my earliest days
I rhymed every possible phrase.
With every last word
And each poem I heard,
I grew sharper, perfecting my ways.

“Of course it was no great surprise
When mother, with tears in her eyes,
Hung up our old phone
And with jubilant tone
Said, ‘You’ve done it! You’re really so wise.’

“The Edward Lear College of rhyme,
The best poet school at the time,
Had welcomed me in
And now soon I’d begin 
To develop my skills on their dime.

“I started my studies that fall.
And if I correctly recall,
Right from the first day
I could hear teachers say,
‘Why, this rhymer’s the sharpest of all!’

“And as the semesters passed by,
My grades and my confidence high,
My talent was clear
No one even came near
That is, ‘til I met Salazar Sly.

“This fellow had transferred from Spain.
And quickly he made it quite plain
His rhymes were elite.
He was quick on his feet,
And I feared that he threatened my reign

“We sat by each other in class
And he was a pain in my ass.
For each rhyme I knew
This buffoon thought of two!
But I thought, ‘Surely this soon shall pass.’

“However, that didn’t occur,
For Salazar caused such a stir.
Folks said with a sigh,
‘There’s just no one like Sly.’
And I thought, ‘I can’t have this, no sir!’

“And so I came up with a scheme
To ruin this man’s self esteem.
Put Sly to the test
And prove I was the best
So that once again I’d reign supreme.


“One day, near the finish of school,
I stood from my desk and yelled, ‘Fool!’
I pointed at Sly
And did not bat an eye
And said, 'I challenge you to a duel!’

“The air could be cut with a knife
The whole room had noticed our strife
But Salazar grinned.
He replied, ‘Ok, friend.’
And his smug self-assuredness was rife.

“I laid out the terms of our fight.
We’d meet up the following night.
And one at a time
We would share our best rhyme.
And Sly nodded and answered ‘alright–’

“I stopped him and said, ‘Wait, there’s more…
Our classmates will settle the score.
They’ll choose who has won
When it’s all said and done
And the loser will head out the door.

“‘Whichever of us doesn’t win
May never set foot here again.
And finally, he
Has to fully agree
That he’ll quit rhyming right there and then.’

“Then Salazar paused for a spell.
He finally said, ‘What the hell.
This game might be fun.
But now I have to run.
So, I’ll see you tomorrow. Farewell.’

“I went to my home to prepare
And what happened next was quite rare–
I just couldn’t rhyme
For the very first time
And I cried out, ‘No! This is unfair!’

“For hours I tried and I tried
But coming up empty, I sighed.
I set down my pen
And thought, ‘I’ll never win,’
Then I laid down my head and I cried.

“Then late on that dark, chilly night
While I sat in the dim candlelight,
I thought of a way
To make Salazar pay
And to make sure that I won this fight

“I stood with a sinister smile
And thoughtfully paced for a while
‘If I cannot rhyme,’
I thought, ‘maybe it’s time
That I finally go the full mile.’

“I crept through the black, moonless night.
With horribly evil delight.
I rapped on his door…
Heard the creaking wood floor
And then Sly stepped outside, in a fright.

“Just seeing his fear made me freeze,
I stood there with quivering knees.
He saw it was I,
Laughed, and said with a sigh,
‘Come on in,’ and this quelled my unease.

“We sat at his table a bit
I almost gave up, I’ll admit
Until the fool dared
To imply I was scared
And he asked if I wanted to quit.

“His mockery made me see red.
I stabbed him until he was dead.
I know that my guile
Was so vicious and vile, 
But I couldn’t forgive what he’d said…