Devolve

“There is a lot about him I still love…I just don’t want so much of him as I once did.” She paused to sob briefly into a crumpled tissue which she had picked up ahead of time in the waiting room. The attendant nurse rubbed her arm reassuringly and forced an expression resembling sympathy. Through the one way glass opposite them he sat in a medical gown on the end of a wheeled, metal framed bed. Vacancy in his eyes. “He loves me a great deal. He agreed to this right away, nurse. Right away. He’d do anything for me -” “And you love him too,” the nurse interjected, reproachfully, “because you saw he needed a change. For both of you.” With this she creased her facial muscles with artificial warmth and squeezed the woman’s hand tightly.

While the surgeons extracted tiny parts of his brain tissue using a micro-vacuum tube, she read through the agreed areas of reduction they had signed a month before. Obsessiveness had been his choice – he said he knew how it bothered her when he droned on about his workshop and the inventions he had ideas for. She shook her head mournfully. It had been over ten years since he invented anything of note. The income of royalties he received was more than enough for them to live comfortably. And still he insisted on wasting his time on new experiments and theories. So many times had she asked for an evening uninterrupted by his stream of consciousness of ideas at the dinner table. Perhaps now they could share an evening of peace. Together.

A loud sucking noise from the surgery room interrupted her thoughts. She looked at the clock above the glass – another fifteen minutes and the operation would be complete. Glancing at the list again, she focused on an area of her choosing – melancholy. The distant stares. The downcast eyes. The self pity. She loathed it about him. Once she had told him that if he could just be positive instead of being so downhearted about life, she’d consider having a child by him. It was a few weeks after that that he had brought the leaflet to her. “Self-e-Volve, what’s this – another invention?” “No darling, it’s for me. To make me better. Like we talked about.” She had listened to him explain the process with a growing sense of horror – but seeing him so animated had reminded her of him at his best. As he once had been. When he began suggesting which areas they could improve or…eliminate…she began to feel excitement bubble in her stomach. He began to look attractive once again, in the bedroom twilight, and the future suddenly became a vast and expansive place of possibilities.

Metallic cracks echoed coldly from the surgeon’s gun as he stapled the cranium back together – only minutes remained of the initial operation. She imagined each crack represented a new hope for her and her husband. One less hurdle for them to overcome. She ran her index finger over the words representing the area that meant the most to her. Without it in their lives, she knew she could shape their future for the better. So often had his impulses ruined their plans or deteriorated what should have been happy occasions. Now she could make proper decisions for them. About where they should invest their time and money. About when and how they should make love. About how they should feel about…anything at all.

The hospital-like doors to the surgery swung open and the bed containing her husband was wheeled out for her inspection. The surgeon lowered his mask, “The procedure was a complete success madam. Your husband will need a little time to recover but you will see improvements almost immediately.” She looked down at the deep red creases which crisscrossed her husband’s scalp with some disgust – a small price to pay, she reflected. His eyes fluttered open. She fell to his side. “Honey. Can you hear me? How do you feel?” Through spittle and a slack jaw, he blurted “I feel better baby. I feel better. Thank you. Thank you.” He nodded profusely and tears of joy dripped from her eyes. Any doubts vanished from her mind. She stood and let them wheel him out and she hugged the contract close to her chest. She looked once again at those words which would no longer trouble their lives, and fresh tears of happiness fell rapidly onto the sheet, blurring the ink into explosions of joy.

SELF-DETERMINATION