Dolores Montgomery and the Old Forest Inn

DISPATCH FROM THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY REGISTER–JUNE 6, 1916

Dolores Montgomery was a shining star of the burlesque stage in old San Francisco. A stunning beauty and a cunning mistress of the dark arts of the boudoir, Miss Montgomery’s favorite venue for entertaining, both on the stage and otherwise, was a grand hotel, The Old Forest Inn. 

Located down a seedy, vermin-infested alley off of Pacific Street, formerly the maw of Yerba Buena Cove, The Old Forest Inn was renowned far and wide as one of the most lascivious and decadent bordellos of the Barbary Coast. Lesser known but to a few salty old-timers was the fact that the very bones of the The Old Forest Inn were incorrigibly accursed. The timbers from which the hotel was constructed were harvested from a patch of old growth redwood forest considered to be sacred by the indigenous peoples of the Miwok tribe. The effluvia of liquor, blood and other juices of the flesh of sailors, prospectors, and ladies of low morals, soaking into the floorboards, their drunken howls echoing into the rafters, were an unending desecration of the ancient forest spirits. 

Oblivious to the blasphemy, the local citizenry, for a time, believed The Old Forest Inn was in fact charmed and lucky. Somehow, the great Earthquake of April 1906, which left every surrounding building decimated, left not a mark on The Old Forest Inn. Its increased notoriety and lessened neighborly competition made it the most profitable venue in town for showgirls, especially Miss Dolores Montgomery. 

Such as it was then, at midnight on the 6th day of the 6th month of 1906, a fire of enormous magnitude simultaneously combusted in the midst of the crowded saloon of The Old Forest Inn. The fire instantly incinerated every patron of the packed downstairs dancehall and raged upwards to the second floor rooms, in one of which Dolores Montgomery was entertaining a gentleman caller. Noting the timbre of racket emanating from downstairs had turned from gay laughter to shrieks of horror, Dolores tossed her guest from atop her and ran to the door. Upon discovering the upper landing filled with suffocating smoke and the rumbling roar of impending doom, she fled to the window of her room and flung it open, attempting to alight from the ledge. But her cad of a client ripped poor Dolores from the portico and climbed out ahead of her. His wits and bravery reduced by the unexpected height from which he would drop, he instead dangled from the ledge, gripping the cursed wood frame for dear life. 

Jaded yet undaunted, Miss Montgomery gamely climbed over the rake, much as using his torso for a ladder. However safety was not to be gained from her efforts and she found herself dangling above the ever rising inferno below. She grasped onto her “John” for dear life, first by his waist and then by his thigh, pulling upon his leg with all her weight. Alas, indeed all was lost for them both. The flames engulfed them as they screamed for mercy, and dropped down into the holocaust.

And so it is, that to this day, on the very spot where the monument to sin and iniquity which was The Old Forest Inn once stood, where Dolores Montgomery dangled from that rascal’s limb, one may feel, as if someone is... pulling... your... leg!

Just as I am, right now.