Love Notes

Love Notes


It wasn't like I meant to hear it. Good Lord, who would want too? It was just that it was two o'clock in the morning and my apartment was unusually quiet.

“Ugh,” I groaned as I made my way down a very short hallway to get to the kitchen, right off the open dining room.
I had already been living here on my own for more than a month, but I still couldn't get used to the small space and the lack of familiar noises that I knew from home. Maybe one day, apartment 4B would be home to me – maybe.
Turning on the water, I propped my hip against the low counter to wait for it to get cold enough to drink. Back home, we got our water straight from a well and it always came out crisp and cool. Here in the city, it was almost warm when I first turned the tap on. But maybe it was just this building.
Six floors of tiny box apartments, crammed together as tight as possible; moving here in the middle of a pandemic wasn't ideal but I didn't have a choice.
Hearing things from the apartment next door was expected, it was normal. 4C had been empty when I first moved in but over the past few weeks, signs of life were emerging.
Although I had never met my new neighbor, I knew the person who moved in was classy as hell. It had to be a woman, no other man I had met could play the piano with such grace and lightness.
My lips turned up as I recalled the song she had played earlier that day. I wonder if she takes requests. I glanced into the dining room where my keyboard sat in place of a kitchen table. My eyes slid closed – remembering.
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by low moans coming from next door. My eyes popped back open as my breath caught inside my throat. What is that?
“Oh yes, right there,” a distinct female voice cried out, followed by another series of moans.
I almost dropped the glass I was holding. My mouth fell open in shock as the moaning grew louder and more animalistic.
Strictly speaking, I knew she was an adult and it was perfectly fine for her to have sex – it still felt wrong. It was like catching your teacher picking her nose; awkward and embarrassing.
It was a ridiculous reaction, I didn't even know what she looked like. Still, I crouched low to the ground and scurried back to the safety of my room.
For once, I was glad I didn't know my neighbor. How weird would it be to see her tomorrow if I did?

~

As soon as I stepped outside my building the next day, the frigid air swept harshly over the exposed skin on my face. Chicago was known for it's cold wind but this year seemed worse.
After the year we had just had, no way could things get worse. Right?
The record store where I worked was just a few blocks from my building so it made sense to just walk. Mornings like this made me wish I rode the bus though.

“Morning Jack,” Evan greeted when I walked into the shop. “Did you sleep well last night?”
Every morning was the same. Evan was a good kid who came in two hours before school and then an hour after school so he could help his mom with the bills. He got there before I did and he greeted me the same exact way every single morning.
“Good morning, Evan,” I replied, considerably less warm. I pulled a face mask from my coat pocket and put it on before discarding the coat behind the counter. When I caught COVID the month before, the lady from the health department told me I wouldn't catch it again for ninety days but since it was the store's policy – I had to wear a mask anyways.
“There's a delivery today,” he went on, not bothered by my tone. “I'll help you with it when I come in later.”
“Are you leaving?” I glanced at the clock; it wasn't time for him to leave yet.
“There's a big test coming up so I can't miss tutoring today.”
“Oh.”
“But I'll help out this afternoon.”
“It's fine,” I waved away his concern. The store's owner hardly ever came in. His family owned several similar places in the city. Apparently this one wasn't one of his favorites.
It was just me and Evan; but that was enough. It wasn't like we were that busy.

“I'm off,” he declared a few minutes later, waving two fingers on his way out the door.
Although we still called it a record store, truthfully not many records were sold. I had come in for sheet music on the day that I saw the help wanted sign.
I moved to that section of the store and thumbed through several pieces of music. This was my favorite place to be.
Playing piano had always come easy to me; there was nothing in the world I liked better than creating music on my piano. Growing up, I had assumed my future job would have something to do with playing.
That was before I came out to my parents though. As soon as they found out I was gay, they threw me out and locked their doors tight. It didn't matter to my father that I was his son; they had my brother to fall back on.
Now all I had was a tiny apartment and a portable keyboard.
“Hello?”
I jerked around at the sound of someone calling out. “Yes?” I answered automatically. A man stood inside the door, staring at me with a small smile playing around the corners of his lips. Why didn't he have a mask on? Light blonde hair hung in soft waves just off the top of his head. It was hard to tell under his thick coat but he probably had a great body – considering how nice his face was.
“Sorry for interrupting your day dream,” he grinned. “I'm looking for reeds.”
“Reeds?”
“For a saxophone,” he nodded. “It's for a friend so I have no clue which kind. Just give me the cheapest you have.”
“Ummm...” Eyebrows furrowed, I tore my gaze away from him and half ran to get him what he needed. Don't stare, he's going to think you're disgusting.
The man paid in cash and was gone again just as quickly as he showed up.
“Geesh.” Leaning against the wall, I pressed my hand to my racing heart. “What is wrong with you?

~

The walk home that afternoon was even colder than the morning had been. I pulled my scarf up over my face mask and hurried home.
Even if the building wasn't perfect, it was so much better than being outside. Despite myself, there was a certain comfort I was coming to associate with this place.
But it really sucked that the elevator was still broken. The sign on the door said it would be running by the morning; that didn't help me any tonight though.
With a deep sigh, I trudged to the grey door with a sticker of stairs on it. The letters had long since worn away. This wasn't the first night I had been forced to climb the four flights of steps back to my apartment; the elevator had been out for nearly a week already.
As I walked, my thoughts drifted upstairs to the apartment next to mine. What would the woman play tonight? I still remembered the first time I heard the sweet noise drifting through the walls, it was such a comfort to me. A place of warmth in the cold, lonely city.
The store had been busier today than usual, it looked like people were venturing out into the city more these days. The quarantine was starting to lift, maybe life would start to get back to normal soon.
For me, I still wasn't used to my new normal – living on my own.
The carpet that lined the steps was really dirty. Parts of the design were completely obliterated by the amount of mud that caked on top of it. At first glance, you couldn't even tell that it was the same carpet that was in the halls. It was only because I was looking down so intently that I noticed.
Maybe if I had been looking where I was going instead of at the ground, I wouldn't have ran straight into another person who was coming down the steps. “Oph,” I heard a man exclaim.
I staggered backwards slightly. It wasn't much, but it was enough.
My foot caught on a loose piece of carpet. Moving in slow motion, I felt myself starting to fall. We were in the middle of a flight of steps, falling now would hurt like hell. Will it kill me? I thought foolishly.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight, preparing for contact with the floor.
It didn't come.
The man I had run into shot forward and caught me mid-fall.
My mouth parted slightly when I looked up at him. I knew who he was, I realized with a start. He was the same man who had come into the store that morning, looking for reeds.
He still wasn't wearing a mask; he was still gorgeous.
“This must be what people call fate,” he said softly.
“Huh?”
“Meeting each other twice in one day,” he winked. “It's too bad I'm in a rush right now.” Since I still wasn't saying anything, he took the initiative to set me back upright on two feet. “If we meet again, I'll take the time to exchange numbers.” With one last grin, he hurried on his way again.

~

The savory smell of chicken cooking in the oven permeated the entire apartment. As it cooked, I busied myself with cutting up some potatoes to add to a broth that was already heating up.
Cooking a meal alone for just one person was a terrible feeling. This time of night always reminded me just how alone I was. It was too quiet.
There were no sounds coming from the next apartment. The woman who lived there must not have been home. I had expected to hear her playing by now; she usually did while I was cooking.
Maybe she was working late or maybe she was meeting a friend. Honestly, I didn't know anything about her – nothing at all except for the fact that she played the piano. And what I had overheard last night...
I shook my head quickly; it was best not to think of that.
Was now a good time to go over there? No one was home, no one would see me if I went now. It wouldn't take me that long if I hurried.
If I really asked her to play a song, would she play it for me? I had never done something like that before, making the first move and all.
It was probably stupid though, right? She would think I was desperate or a creep. People didn't do this sort of thing, I should just let her live her own life without interfering. And yet, there was something drawing me to whoever played the piano in apartment 4C.
Maybe she was just as lonely as I was. If I reached out to her, she might appreciate the gesture.
The way she played the piano... I smiled wide just thinking of it. It was like she was speaking to me through the walls, calling me to be her friend.
“I'm going to do it,” I declared to the empty apartment. How could I refuse? I'll leave a note on her door, asking her to play a song; if she didn't want to, she didn't have to.
Fly me to the moon would be a good one to request. She was classy, she would know Sinatra. It was one of the first songs I learned to play on my own.
Breathing quickly, I let my pen glide over a scrap piece of paper I had found. The nervous excitement I felt was strange; it wasn't like I was asking her out on a date. I didn't even like women in that way.
Opening the front door, I stuck my head out into the hallway. Since there was no one there, I pulled the rest of my body out but didn't shut my front door. I needed to be sure I had a fast get away option.
The hall was completely empty; I couldn't even hear anyone else in the other apartments. This was definitely the best time to do this so I wouldn't be seen being a weirdo.
Despite my trembling hands, I hurried over to the door next to mine. The tape was already on the note so all I had to do was stick it on next to the 4C that was already hanging there.
I ran back to the safety of my own apartment and slammed the door behind me. For a moment, I had to stand there and catch my breath. I did it, even though I was nervous as hell.
Satisfied with myself, I went back to chopping potatoes and adding them to the pot. For now, all I could do was wait and see what she would do when she came home and found that note stuck to her door.

~

I shoved a forkful of chicken into my mouth and chewed slowly. It had been several hours since I had put the note on the neighbor's door, requesting a song. I couldn't even count how many times I had to stop myself from going back out to the hall and ripping it off the door.
The last time, I had actually gone out there only to discover the note was gone. That meant she got it, but didn't play it. What did that mean?
My eyebrows dipped lower on my forehead as I ran through all the things she must be thinking of me. It was foolish to reach out like that; I was being stupid to think I could make friends with someone so easily.
My parents must have been right about people like me; no one would want to be friends with a twenty-four year old gay man who worked in a record shop. Why would they?
Just as I was in the depths of beating myself up completely, I heard the low tones of a piano coming through the wall. My fork fell to the table. I held my breath.
It was...it was the song I had requested. I recognized the notes of Fly Me To The Moon. She was actually playing it!
Jumping up, I pressed the side of my face against the wall – trying to hear more clearly. There was no mistaking it though, I would recognize that melody anywhere.
Barely able to contain myself, I shuffled over to my keyboard and flipped on the power switch. As soon as the song reached the chorus, I added my own playing to the mix. The result was magical.
My heart soared along with the music; we sounded so good together. It was like we were meant to play alongside each other. If I believed in fate, I would have thought this was something like that.
My heart was bursting at the seams with happiness. I certainly wasn't used to this feeling.

~

A smile was still dancing on my lips as I washed the few dishes I had used for my solitary meal. It was strange to me – how happy a simple song made me. I had never been very good at making friends. Being gay in a small town wasn't easy. After I knew I was for sure attracted to men, the secret keeping began.
Hiding things from everyone you knew didn't make for a friendly person. I contented myself being alone, I accepted the way my life had turned out. Being friendless was better than living a lie; or so I had thought.
Here I was though, grinning like an idiot because I had reached out to someone and that person hadn't shot me down. At this rate, maybe I could make even more friends – the possibilities were daunting.
My thoughts drifted briefly to the man I had ran into on the stairs. I had met him twice in one day, maybe it would be alright to say hello if I saw him again.
Just as I put the last spoon onto the drying mat, I heard something coming through the walls again. It wasn't music this time.
Apparently, the woman next door had her boyfriend over again. Her unmistakable moaning was getting louder by the second. This was so awkward, how was I ever going to be able to look at her in the face after hearing her like this?
Inwardly cringing, I stuffed my earbuds in my ear and settled down in front of my keyboard. If I played for fifteen minutes or so, it would all be over. I wiped the sweat that had gathered over my brow and flipped through a few sheets of music.
Well, no one was perfect.

~

I knew it was going to be a good day as soon as I made my way to the elevators and saw they were working again. Pressing my lips together, I happily pushed the button to call the elevator.
“So we meet again,” a deep voice greeted from behind me.
I whirled around and came face to face with the man from yesterday; the one on the stairs. “Oh.” I shifted over when he stopped next to me. He must have been using the elevator too. “Hello.”
“Hi,” he greeted back. He smiled wide enough to show off his almost perfect teeth.
“Do you live here too? I'm Jack,” I gushed out without taking a breath.
“Ian,” he nodded. “I just moved in a few weeks ago.”
“Ah.”
“Your name is Jack?”
“Yeah.”
He grinned even wider. “Does anyone ever call you Jack-off?”
My own smile got sucked back inside. “Only idiots.”
“Are you calling me an idiot?”
“Are you calling me Jack-off?” One eyebrow shot up on my forehead. Looks like I was wrong, this guy was not going to be my friend. I hated people like him – he was probably a bully in high school, he probably made fun of gay people. Why did a person like him have to live in the same building as me? Were my parents right; was I destined to have this kind of life just because I was gay?
“No.”
“What?”
“I'm not calling you that,” he clarified, “but I will help you if you want.”
“Help me what?”
“Jack off.”
The elevator door opened then, saving me from having to reply to that. Face burning, I didn't look at Ian while we traveled down to the ground floor.
“You're in the apartment next to me, right?” he asked as we filed out of the elevator and faced the front doors. “So I'll be seeing you around?”
“No,” I shook my head, “I'm in 4B.”
“I'm 4C,” he declared, jabbing one finger into his own chest.
“No, you aren't,” I instantly argued. “A woman lives there.”
“Nope,” his lips popped on the word. “It's just me.”
“But...last night...”
Ian was already nodding his head. “Sinatra is one of my favorites too. It was nice, you know, playing with you.”
“That's impossible.” I felt the blood draining from my face. The woman from 4C, the one I had been admiring, was really Ian? My only friend was this...idiot? No, I didn't believe it, no way.
“How about tonight, I pick the song?” With a wave, he left before I was done catching my breath.

~

I stared down at the sheets of music I had spread out on the counter in the kitchen. Something was off about the person who lived in 4C.
Ian said that he lived there – and that he lived there alone. I was having a hard time believing that though. I had been so sure that it had been a woman who played so beautifully. I felt so connected to her. How could it be Ian instead?
He wasn't graceful enough for that sort of thing. And what did he mean by what he said in the elevator this morning? Was he gay too?
I had thought about it all day at work – why he said that and why he claimed to live next door. He must have been teasing me – it was the only thing that made sense.
I wasn't sure how he found out I was gay but it was the only thing I could think of that made sense.
Since it had come to this, there was only one way to know for sure. I would have to go knock on the door and see who answered.
If it was the woman I had imagined all this time, I would offer her the sheet music; if it was Ian...
Please don't let it be him.
Armed with my resolve to know the truth, I wasn't nervous this time when I approached the door next to mine. I knocked firmly, then stood back to wait.
It didn't take long. The door flung open almost immediately. Sure enough, Ian stood there.
“I thought you were the kid who delivers Chinese,” his eyebrows knitted together. “He's late.”
“I...uh...”
“What are you doing here? Do you need something?”
“No...I just...” didn't believe you.
“Is this for me?” Without waiting for me to hand them over, he plucked the sheet music from my hands.
“No, I was just going to...”
He scanned the music with a frown. “I thought we agreed that I would pick the next song.”
“We didn't agree to anything,” I snapped. Grabbing my music back from him, I practically ran home.

~

“Damn you, Ian,” I cursed to the dark ceiling as I lay down in my room. It wasn't because of the moaning I heard coming from the walls either.
I felt betrayed.
Logically, I knew it wasn't Ian's fault that I assumed my neighbor was a classy woman who I was becoming friends with. Still – it felt like he was the one who had taken her away.
It was stupid, irrational thinking but I couldn't help it. My first friendship in the city was ruined now. Sadness squeezed my chest, surprising me. I wasn't typically a sentimental person.
“Ugh,” I groaned as the sounds from Ian's apartment grew louder. What an inconsiderate jerk!

~

The next morning on the way downstairs, I didn't look up until I reached the elevator. If I did, I would have seen Ian standing there and I might have taken the stairs. Unfortunately, I didn't see him until it was too late.
“Hey neighbor,” he waved cheerfully. “What happened to you last night? You ran off before we could pick a new song out.”
“I was busy.” I caught the inside of my lip between my teeth. “I was cooking.”
“Why don't you come over tonight? We could order food and...”
“No thanks,” I hurried to cut him off.
“No thanks?” he chuckled. “Why not?”
“I'm not interested.” It was best to create the boundaries now. Ian was not my type.
“Oh.” Clearly confused, he turned towards the elevator again. He must not be used to rejection.
“Another thing,” my nostrils flared with irritation.
“Yeah?”
“I get that you're an adult and you can do what you want, but would you mind keeping it down? I can hear everything through the walls.”
“I thought you liked it when I played piano.”
“I'm not talking about the piano.”
“Then?”
“I can hear you and your...girlfriend,” I hesitated, embarrassed for him. “The walls are thin.”
“My girlfriend and I broke up last month.”
“Well then, whoever.”
“I'm not having sex with anyone if that's what you're getting at.”
“It's not like I care,” I shrugged. “It's just loud.”
“No sex,” he said again. “It's porn.”
“Porn?” My mouth fell open in horror. “That's disgusting,” I blurted out without much thought.
Ian threw back his head so he could laugh.

~

It was a strange day at work. Nothing was going right. On the walk to the store, it started snowing. It wasn't some fairy tale snow shower either – it was heavy and wet.
Not an hour into my shift and the owner decided to stop by for a visit. Now that things were starting to open up after such a long quarantine, he wanted to check the inside of all his stores.
It didn't take long for him to start ordering me to switch up a bunch of displays. Things were fine where they were; why did he have to create so much extra work for me?

I was still grumbling angrily to myself hours later when I returned home. “What a jackass,” I mumbled as the elevator door closed.
“He just wanted to be difficult,” I continued my one sided vent session. What did it matter where the replacement guitar strings went? If someone came in for them, they could ask me where they were.
All thoughts of work abruptly came to a halt as soon as I opened my front door. All I could hear was water, it was flowing freely from some where.
The sound was deafening, small puddles of water had gathered on the linoleum in the dining room area and around the couch.
Whimpering slightly, I ran to the kitchen where the water was most likely coming from. It was a horrific sight, seeing the water leaking out from under the sink.
“Shit. Oh no.”
My mouth fell open, allowing shorts gasps of to escape. I hadn't lived here long enough for anything terrible to happen. What was I supposed to do with this? Why was there so much water?
“Ok.” Flinging my arms like a helpless chicken, I darted to the bathroom and scooped up all two towels that I owned. I laid one on the floor next to the couch and the other I spread out on the dining room floor near the kitchen.
I probably needed to call the landlord, right? He would know what to do. I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. He said not to call after five unless it was an emergency.
Was this an emergency?
Yes!
“I don't think those are going to help much,” a voice called out from the front doorway.
Whirling around, I saw that Ian was standing there looking in at me. I must have left the door open after I saw the water mess, I realized. “I...don't know what to do.” I admitted in a panic.
“Everything ok?” His face pulled down into a concerned frown.
“No.” I looked around again. “Can you help?”
“Sure,” he smiled, coming further into the apartment. He closed the door behind him and passed by me on the way to the kitchen. “It's the least I can do since you've been forced to hear my … movies of choice through your walls.”
Movies of choice? Is that what he was calling porn? Now wasn't the time though; the water was still running freely all over the kitchen floor.
Calmer than me by quite a lot, Ian opened the cabinet under the sink and stuck his arm inside. “The main water shut off valve is in here,” he explained. “Didn't they tell you?”
“Maybe. I don't remember.” It was a relief when the water finally stopped. “You fixed it!”
“Well,” he shrugged dramatically. “Not really.”
“At least it stopped.”
Ian nodded, his eyes meeting mine. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I grunted. A little shaken but not hurt.
“It'll be alright,” Ian tried to comfort me. Easy for him to say though, it wasn't his apartment that looked like this.
“I don't ...” I shook my head back and forth. “I guess I need to call the landlord,” I concluded.
“This is an old building, things like this will happen from time to time. It's not too big of a deal, I'm sure.”
“Not a big deal,” I snorted. “Everything is a mess.”
“Do you need some help cleaning up?”
“Uh...”
“I can check your pipes for you,” he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively. “But the ones under the sink first.”
Of course he had to say something perverted, even at a time like this. He was so annoying but I had to admit that I was glad he was there. He seemed to know what he was doing so much better than me.
Still chuckling at his own sick humor, he dropped down to his knees and crawled under the sink for a look. “Yeah,” he called after just a short time, “I think I see the problem. I can get it sorted out for you.”
“You can?”
He came back out and stood up. “I just need to go grab a few things from my place. I'll be right back.”
Ian was strange, I thought as I waited for him to come back. He was rude and perverted and kind of a jerk – but it was nice of him to help me. After all, he hardly even knew me.

~

As Ian worked under my sink, his body twisted and turned, making his shirt mold to those hard muscles that were hidden from my view. I bet he would look incredible without the stupid shirt on.
“What made you want to work in a record store?” he asked, pulling me out of my inappropriate daydreams.
“It's just a job,” I cleared my throat. “What about you? What do you do?”
“I make videos,” he replied.
“Porn?” I asked before I could stop myself.
Luckily, Ian laughed. “Not porn.” I could practically hear his eyes roll. “Videos of people's lives, mostly.”
“Why?”
“People get them to play at weddings, funerals, graduations...big life events.”
“What about the piano? You play so well.”
“I use the music in some of my videos,” he replied without looking up. “It adds a nice touch and since it's my own stuff, I don't have to worry about the copyright.”
Seriously?
“I think I got it,” he grunted. He looked up at me with a face flushed with pride. In the palm of his hand was what looked like half a filthy sock.
“Wait a minute...”
“Yeah.” His nose crinkled. “I wondered what happened to the rest of it too but...” He dipped back under the sink.
“No,” I scowled. “Do you mean that you wrote those songs?”
“Well,” I saw half his body shift into an awkward shrug. “Before you get too turned on – I only wrote four or five songs. I just change the tempo and a few notes to make them fit for a video. It's not that impressive.”
“Yes it is,” my voice exploded out.
Pulling his body out again, he sat up so he could stare up at me. “You should have told me that was the way to turn you on before I crawled under here. This isn't that fun.”
“I didn't know you were trying to turn me on; I thought you were just being neighborly.”
“Pfft,” he let his lips purse out on an exasperated sigh.
“Didn't you say it was to make up for me having to listen to your nightly rituals for the past week?”
“I guess so.” He rolled his eyes and disappeared under the sink again.
It surprised me when I caught a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. Nothing he said was amusing – nothing at all.
“There we go,” Ian announced, jumping back up to his feet. “Think we got it fixed.” He turned the knob on, releasing a clean stream of water. “It's not leaking anymore.”
“You fixed it?” That quickly? How could he have so many talents?
He ran his hands under the water, cleaning them of the dirt that had gotten on there. After he was done washing his hands he turned the water off and faced me. “Yep.”
“I'm not sure h...how to thank you,” I stuttered. “I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here.”
“It's no big deal,” he waved one hand in the air between us.
“No, really. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“How about you owe me dinner?” His lips pressed together in an amused smile; the way his eyes lit up made my heart beat faster. “Sound fair?”
“Sure,” I nodded. “I don't make a lot though, so it has to be somewhere cheap.” We both laughed.
“I was thinking you could cook for me,” he clarified. “We'll eat here.”
“Deal.”

~

I swallowed thickly past the lump that had formed in my throat, then regretted the action almost immediately. Did he hear it? He had to have heard it.
“I didn't know you had a table,” he knocked on the unstable card table a few times. The chairs were the uncomfortable folding kind, but it was all I had.
“It's not out very often,” I explained in a rush of words that he hadn't asked for.
Ugh, what was wrong with me? Don't get all emotional here. Ian was just playing around with a neighbor that he found out was gay. This was all his idea as a joke. Don't forget that.
“ I like your place,” Ian commented as he looked around at the bare walls and the plain furniture. “It's nice.”
“Nice?” I scoffed.
“Well,” he shrugged, “it's clean.”
“It was awful cleaning up all that water.” I shuddered at the memory of coming home to all that water on the floor. Two days had passed and you couldn't tell now what had happened. The landlord didn't even come to check on it after I told him Ian fixed it.
“And this?” he pointed down at the few dishes that were sitting on the table. “It smells delicious.”
“Let's eat, shall we?” I hated how polite I sounded, but I was nervous and my words were just coming out like that.
The moment the cheese covered pasta touched my tongue, I realized I had added too much milk. There was barely any taste of cheese to it; it was just bland and soggy.
“What's the matter?” Ian laughed. “You don't like it?”
“It's disgusting.” My nose crinkled up dramatically. “Don't eat it.”
“It's not that bad.” He scooped another mound of noddles onto his spoon and put it into his mouth. Maybe he wasn't doing it on purpose but the way he pulled the spoon back out of his mouth was wrecking havoc on my senses. “It is that bad,” I choked.
In the end, we had a salad and a glass of water for dinner. Not my most shining moment.

~

I wasn't sure how I felt about Ian making himself comfortable on my couch. I sort of thought he would eat and then leave. “You sure you don't want some coffee?” I offered, again.
“Eh,” the side of his face lifted up in distaste, “not a fan of coffee.”
How could he not like coffee? I lived on the stuff. “I don't have anything else,” I admitted awkwardly. “Except water.”
“No thanks,” he chuckled. “I'm fine.”
Then why was he still here? “I should...” I glanced at the table where our ruined dinner still sat. “I should probably clean up.”
“You can do that later,” he suggested with a small smirk.
“I'm sorry about dinner.”
“It's alright; I wasn't that hungry anyways.” His eyes never left my face, even while I fidgeted and looked everywhere but him.
“That's good.”
“Besides,” he scooted a little bit closer to me, “this is more memorable.”
My palms felt sweaty enough that I needed to wipe them off on my pants. There was only one other time I could remember feeling this way with another guy.
Seventh grade: Billy Jones.
We sat in my parents basement, not watching a single scene in the movie we had agreed to watch. It was the first time I realized I was attracted to guys.
Was that what was happening now? Was I attracted to Ian?
“Jack?”
My head shot up at my name, putting me face to face with Ian. “Yeah?” I croaked out.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
Why was he asking if I had a boyfriend? Was he setting me up to make sure he was right about me? Should I confirm his suspicions? But how could I deny it? I came here to live true to who I really was. Back home, I wasn't allowed to be myself.
“I've never had a boyfriend,” I told him in a low voice.
“Then how do you know you like men?”
“Because,” I snorted. “I just know.”
“Hmm.” His eyes narrowed slightly as he watched me.
It was like I was under some spell, held captive by his amazingly warm brown eyes. His lips parted but no words came out. We were close enough that I could feel his soft breath against my own lips.
“Have you ever been kissed, Jack?” he murmured through those partially opened lips.
“No,” I whispered back.
My throat was too tight to get much volume out. As his face inched closer to mine, my heart hammered wildly away until I felt like I was going to pass out. Any second now, our faces would be touching – any second, as long as I didn't move.
But...
“Wait,” I suddenly blurted out, loud enough to make him hesitate.
He pulled away, just enough to be able to see my face. “What's wrong?”
“We can't kiss.”
“Why not?”
“It's wrong.”

“An abomination,” he seethed. “You're gay? Do you really think that's ok?” His face changed quickly, from the father I had known my entire life to a man who was disgusted by me.

“It's not wrong,” Ian said softly, running his fingers lightly over my chin.
“Yes, it is,” I yelled, pushing him harshly away from me.
“Why are you ashamed of who you are?” he asked with more sincerity than I was used to seeing from him.
“I'm not ashamed,” I scowled, “I just don't like you.”
“You don't like me?” He crooked one eyebrow.
“No.”
“This would suggest otherwise.” He tapped the bulge in my pants.
Humiliation coursed through my veins, flaming my face hot. Why did that have to happen now of all times? “That is...it's not...”
Ian laughed lightly. “There's nothing to be embarrassed about. I think you're cute as hell; I'd be happy to take care of that for you.” His eyes slid suggestively to my crotch.
“I thought you were straight,” I snarled through clenched teeth.
“Who told you I was straight?”
“You did.”
His head tilted to one side. “I did?”
“You said you just broke up with your girlfriend. That's why you've been... you know.”
“Oh,” he nodded slowly. “Well, before her I dated a guy named Mark. He was just good for a good time – you know what I mean?” He wriggled both his eyebrows.
Gross.
“Before Mark, there was Jeremy. Jeremy was a nice guy but all he ever talked about was the future. What we would do when we got married, how many kids we would have.” Ian's nose scrunched up.
“So you went to Mark,” I rolled my eyes sarcastically.
“Before Jeremy,” he went on as if I didn't say anything, “I dated a sweet girl named Rebecca. In high school, there was Denise.”
“Are you done?”
“So what does that make me? Straight or gay?”
“It makes you a hoe.”
Ian's lewd grin changed to laughter. “You're seriously cute as hell.”
What was he doing? Was he saying things like that to tease me? Did he think it was fun to make me fall for him?
No matter what, I wasn't letting myself like him.
Taking a deep breath, I pressed my hand against my aching chest. Did this mean I liked him already?
No, I decided firmly. All it meant was that I was attracted to him. He was a good looking guy – nothing wrong with admitting that.
“It's ok,” Ian said. “You can trust me.”
“I don't know you,” I argued, “how can I trust you?”
Without warning, he leaned forward and pressed his lips lightly to mine. “That wasn't so bad, was it?” he murmured.
Thoughts raced through my head – so many thoughts that I wasn't sure what to do with them. Utterly confused, I settled on anger.
That was the easiest one to identify.
“What do you think you're doing?” I cried out, pushing him away and jumping up in the same motion.
“It wasn't a big deal.”
“Not a big deal?” I felt my eyes bulging. “Where I come from, a kiss is a very big deal.”
“Jack...”
“I think you should leave.”
He stood up too. “Do you really want me to leave?”
“Yes.”
“Ok,” he nodded slowly. “But you're going to think about me later and regret kicking me out.”
“Just go.”

~

I picked up a plate and carried it absentmindedly back to the kitchen. Now that Ian was gone, the apartment felt strangely quiet.
He was right, I was thinking of him. I wasn't sure if it was regret yet though.
Unrestrained tears flowed from my eyes and down my cheeks.
All I ever wanted was to be free enough to be myself. Since I was thirteen years old, my parents had been telling me how wrong I was – how disgusting and unnatural I was for liking boys. I hadn't been able to control myself though; not then and not now.
When would I be ok?

I laid in bed that night, the stains of my tears still visible to anyone that bothered to look. Unfortunately, I was alone – always alone.
Without my permission, Ian popped into my head.
In the safety of the darkness, I allowed my body to fully react to my thoughts of him. I already knew I was attracted to him, so it came as no surprise when my lower half slowly hardened.
With a quivering breath that made my hands shake, I slipped my fingers down my body until they rested on that forbidden place. An electric current ran all the way along the length of my spine.
Was this ok? Would people know as soon as they saw me that I had indulged in this sort of thing by myself? Would they be disgusted? Would they even care?
My mom was wrong – no one would give a shit.
There was an explosion of light all around me as my body accepted my desires that I had been trying to hold back. Ian was hot, I should have freaking made out with him.

~

My eyes weren't even opened yet and there was already a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. A faint dream lingered in my memory but I couldn't quite grasp it fully.
Surprisingly enough, I had slept the entire night through. It was the first time since moving here that I had slept more than a few hours at a time. I opened my eyes with a light moan.
Arching my back, I raised my arms up over my head in a stretch that made my bones feel like they were melting. But in a delicious way.
“Thank goodness it's Sunday,” I muttered out loud. “No work.”
Eventually, after many stretches and groaning, I pulled myself off the side of the bed and stood up to greet the day. There was a total of one window in my apartment; sunlight was streaming through it now.
My well used coffee maker was already plugged in and waiting for me on the kitchen counter. Even if I didn't have friends, at least there was coffee. I almost laughed at my own ridiculous thought.
And there was my piano, I nodded at the most expensive thing I owned. Tell me you're single without telling me you're single.
I watched as the coffee streamed from the coffee maker, filling up the small pot sitting there. I didn't wait for the entire thing to fill up, instead dumping it into my favorite mug.
The coffee felt good on my tongue; as it slid down my throat, I could feel the strong liquid working through my system. How could someone actually not like this stuff?
I set the mug down and picked up my phone that I had left on the counter before I went to bed last night. No one called me so it wasn't like I needed to have it attached to me.
Not expecting anything, it was a shock to see the little icon that indicated I had a new text message. “What?” Clicking on it, I realized it was a message from my mother. I hadn't heard a word from anyone back home since they told me to leave.
Had something happened?
I opened the message with a scowl deforming my eyebrows. “Dear Jack,” she started the text as if it were a formal letter, “I've spoken with your father and he's agreed to let you come home for our Valentine's Day party. I think it would look better if the whole family was together for it. Regards, mom.”
First time talking to me in over a month and she didn't even ask how I was. Instead, she wanted me to come home so the neighbors wouldn't talk about me missing our annual Valentine's Day party.
Mom and dad had met on Valentine's Day many years ago, so they made a big deal of it every year.
Too bad, I snarled inside my head. They told me to leave and never come back; I wasn't going back for their party. They could just pretend I died from Covid for all I cared.
Before returning to my bedroom, I put the phone back on the counter. I did not send a return text to my mom.
I went to the small closet in my room and pulled out a pair of jeans and a comfortable tee shirt. As I pulled them on, my mind drifted to Ian again.
What was he doing? Did he think of me too? Was Ian right about me, was I ashamed of who I was? My parents were ashamed, but did that mean I had to be as well? Just because they said it, didn't make it true.
I pulled at the bottom of my shirt; it had gotten caught in the waist of the jeans when I pulled it on. My fingers felt slow as my thoughts raced ahead of the room I was standing in.
In the mirror, a young man stared at me with wide eyes. It was the face of a man who was finally learning something about himself. It was really messed up that it took words from an almost stranger to make me open my eyes.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, I wanted to go to my parents' party. In fact, there was nothing else in this world that I wanted more.
Well, I amended my thoughts, except maybe one thing.
I needed a date.
My smile widened until it was a full blown laugh that crinkled the corners of my eyes. It had been way too long since I laughed out loud.
If I was going to take a date with me back home, there was only one person who I could ask. Hopefully he would still go with me after the way I had treated him at dinner the night before.
Bursting with an excitement I didn't know how to contain, I darted back out to the living room and hurried over to my keyboard. “This all started with you,” I whispered, running my fingers lightly over the keys.
I took a deep breath and sat down heavily on the bench. It was still pretty early in the morning but now that I was finally feeling brave, I didn't want to wait. The notes flowed out through the instrument and filled the apartment; my favorite song – Fly Me To The Moon.
While I played, I kept part of my attention on the wall that connected my apartment to Ian's. I didn't know if it would work, but I was really really hoping that he would play with me.
I was well into the second verse before I heard the sound I was waiting for – he was answering me!
My heart sped up into overdrive, nearly pounding out of my chest. The sound of Ian playing through that wall was perhaps the best sound I had ever heard in my entire life.
My hands shook, forcing me to stop playing. It didn't matter though, I had gotten what I wanted. I jumped up and darted out the door, nearly tripping over my own bare feet in my haste to get to apartment 4C.
Ian answered as soon as I knocked.
“Hi,” I panted. “You...you played.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. His eyes narrowed in on my flushed face. “You ok?”
“Yes.” My laughter burst out of my throat. “Will you be my Valentine's date?”
“What?” His eyes widened.
I couldn't blame him for being shocked. I was a little bit surprised myself. “My parent's have a party every year; will you go with me? As my date?”
“Umm...”
“Please?” I waited, my breathing ragged.
“Sure,” he shrugged.
“Yes?”
“Yeah,” he repeated. “Why not?”
“Well.” There were many reasons why he shouldn't, actually. “My parent's kicked me out for being gay so I'm sure they won't be nice to you if we show up together,” I rambled, not meeting his eyes. “They might even kick us out. If, by chance, we can stay – it won't be much fun. They aren't...”
“Jack,” he cut me off.
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
“Ok.” My lips moved into a smile but before I could get there all the way, Ian moved in for the kiss that I wouldn't give him the night before.
This time, I didn't pull away. As inexperienced as I was, I molded my body to his and let him lead the way for me. When his tongue pressed lightly against my lips, I parted them to let him enter my mouth. Lights exploded behind my eyes and the whole world seemed to melt away.
“You were right,” I whispered when we finally pulled apart. “I did think of you last night.”
“What the hell?” his eyes lit up. “You need to come in here and explain those thoughts to me.” We both laughed when his hand curled around my waist and yanked me inside his apartment with him.

~

When my parent's forced me out of their house, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't know it then but it brought me to my apartment where my life was waiting to begin. It brought me to meet Ian.

It all started with thin walls and the sweet notes of his piano.
The End