Man vs. Squirrel

MAN vs. SQUIRREL
BOOK ONE IN THE ‘MAN VS.’ SERIES
By Emmett Hart III
 
MAN
Bob sat on the porch staring at his third bird feeder in a month. His wife, Linda, sat next to him in the glider trying to figure out a six-letter word for ‘A feeling of sickness’. 
“What do you think? It ends in the letter A.” She asked.
“I swear, I’m gonna get those squirrels if they mess with my bird feeder this time!” Bob exclaimed as he sat there, eyes affixed to the newly installed bird feeder.
“Bob? You’re kind of obsessed, aren’t you?”
“No, just need to teach these furry little rodents a lesson.” He answered and then blurted out, “Nausea.”
“Pardon me?”
Bob said, “The word you are looking for is Nausea.”
“Oh, that. Thank you.” She said, writing ‘N-A-U-S-E’ in the five blank blocks.
“The guy at Lowe’s said that this feeder was squirrel-proof. It had better be!” Bob said as he stood to stretch his legs and back.
 
SQUIRREL
“Ok, Carl, are you ready?” asked Dave.
He answered, “That branch looks pretty weak. I’m a bit heavier than I was last week. That woman next door left a pie on the windowsill, well, you get the idea.” Carl said as he pointed to his belly.
“You’ll be fine.” Dave said, waiving off his friend’s comment.
“This feeder is much lower than the last two, further away. Why don’t you go this time, Dave? I mean, you planned this entire heist out and I always go.” Carl asked.
“Well?” Dave pondered, “What if you get into trouble with Bob? He was pret-ty mad last time. Plus, you like showing the pups that you still ‘Got it’.” He used air quotes when he said that.
Carl started snickering. “Yeah, he sure was. He said that he was going to beat me with that broom he’s always holding.” They both laughed.
In all honesty, Dave was afraid of heights and Carl was much more agile, even with his added pooch. Thetwo squirrels absolutely loved torturing Bob. His wife was very sweet and didn’t have much to do with the bird feeders.
Robin, who was not a robin at all but a cardinal, flew over from her nest and asked what was going on.
“Be quiet, Robin. We’re almost ready to go.” orderedDave.
“Hi Robin.” Said Carl, raising his little paw and waiving.
She politely greeted him, “Hi Carl.” She then turned to Dave and said, “Don’t be so rude! Are either of your wives at home?” She asked.
“Yeah, yeah. Just go!” Dave commanded, pointing upand rushing her along.
“Fine! I’ll go talk to them and leave you two alone. I know when I’m not welcome!” Robin hastily said, giving Dave the stink eye.
She made her way up the five branches to where Brooke had her paws clasped behind her back, nervously pacing, waiting for Carl to, hopefully not, screw up. Dave’s wife, Krista, was in her knothole organizing her vintage acorn collection.
“Bob is watching.” Brooke said to Robin. “The other two bird feeders were relatively easy for Carl to navigate. This one seems much more difficult.
Just then, Krista walked in, drying her paws on a hand towel. “What’s going on?”
“Carl is probably doing that thing he does to pump himself up to jump onto the feeder, you know how he gets.” Brooke knowingly answered.
Robin said, “Why don’t I just fly over to it and report back?”
Krista answered, “Really? But we’re taking your food.Well, they’re taking your food.” She pointed down to the guys.
“Nah, there’s plenty of food around. Plus, we get a kick out of the battle between your husbands and Bob.” Robin chirped.
Brooke hugged Robin. “That would be wonderful, thank you.”
 
MAN
“Linda, look.” Bob said, pointing at Robin landing on his new bird feeder. “Our first customer.”
Linda peered over the glasses just in time to see Robin peck at the birdseed. “Awe, she looks happy.”
“How can you tell that from here?” Bob inquired.
“Just going by how you and I feel when we get a nice meal” She answered. 
“If one of those darn squirrels scare her away…” Bob trailed off.
“Don’t be that way, Bob. Birds and squirrels have been coexisting long before you and I were here, and they will long after we’re gone.” Linda said, matter-of-factly.
“Still…” Bob responded
 
SQUIRREL
Carl asked Dave, “What the heck is she doing down there? She’s in the way.”
Krista had come down to where the boys were. “Robin is helping you guys out by scoping out the situation, so be nice!”
Dave was puzzled. “Why?”
“She said that her and the other birds have a great time watching you two torment Bob.” Kristaanswered.
Robin hopped around the perimeter of the feeder testing the balance and looking for weak spots, eating some birdseed for show. Once satisfied, she flew straight to Dave.
“So, the little roof in the middle by the hook is firm, but the rim closest to the seed is a bit flimsy. I was ok, but you guys are much heavier.” She looked down at Carl’s belly. “You’ll have to accommodate for that.”She pointed a wing at his midsection.
“Hey, I resemble that remark!” Carl sarcastically said.
“Never mind that. Is there anything else?” Daveasked.
“Yes. Bob got gourmet food this time.” She licked her beak. “Must be confident that you guys won’t be able to get to it.” She answered and knowingly giggled.
After her report, she flew back up to where Brookewas hunched on her hind legs, watching things unfold.
Her front paws were over her eyes. “I can’t stand it when they do this. It scares me to death.”
“Ok, Carl, we must balance out your landing. Unless you precisely land on the roof.” Dave said, scratching his chin with his right claw.
“I can make it to the roof. Then I can crawl down and load up the goodies.” Carl suggested.
“You think so? You just said that it was further away.” Said Dave.
Carl brushed it off, “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
“Excellent!” Dave said excitedly.
 
MAN
“That bird liked the new food, honey.” Bob pointed out to Linda.
“Uh, huh.” She responded, biting on the end of her pen. Linda was obviously distracted by a new problem on her crossword puzzle. “These New York Times ones are much more difficult than our local paper.”
Now Bob was the distracted one, barely hearing what Linda had just said. “Would you just look at that.”, he said as he pushed his gardening hat up with the back of his hand and scratched the forefront of his head. “It looks like two of those little furballs are planning to jump from that limb.” He pointed out to the tree, but Linda wasn’t interested.
He could see their tails waving at each other and could hear the chatter. He caught a glimpse of two additional squirrels up a few feet higher, next to that same Robin.Under his breath, he muttered, “If I didn’t know better, I’d bet my bottom dollar that those squirrels and that bird were in cahoots.”
 
SQUIRREL
“Geronimooooooo!!” Carl yelled as he jumped off the branch.
Brooke gasped, covering her mouth. Krista and Robin watched in awe.
There he goes, Dave said to himself.
‘CRANG!’ Carl landed atop the new feeder like Iron Man. Crouched with the right paw down in front and the right leg kneeling behind it. His left arm was splayed to his rear and the left leg outstretched at a perfect ninety-degree angle. His head was bowed down on the initial landing. He slowly lifted his head, stared right at Bob and smiled.
 
MAN
“Linda! That squirrel jumped down onto our feeder! I think he smiled at me!” Bob was obviously frazzled by what he just witnessed.
“Uh, huh.” Linda responded with a doubtful tone. “I’m really stuck here on fifty-two down. Can you think of a ten-letter word for ‘A piece of gossip’? Fourth letter is ‘J’ and the seventh is ‘T’. Maybe I’ve been staring at this paper too long.”
“Didn’t you hear what I said?” Bob asked in annoyance. “That squirrel is not only getting the new bird seed, but he looked right at me!”
Linda looked at Bob with worry in her eyes. “You’re consumed by that feeder. Just leave it be.”
“Never!” He proclaimed, holding a broom like a warrior holding up his sword going into battle. He stormed out the screen door yelling. “Get away from there!”
 
SQUIRREL
Once on the feeder, gathering and tossing the birdseed to the ground was easy. He noticed Bob coming out with a broom in his hand looking very angry and yelling. 
Time to hit the road, Carl thought to himself.
Just as he turned his back on Bob, he felt the ‘WOOOSH’ of a broom handle pass just over his head. Carl lost his balance and fell toward to side. Just before toppling off, he reached out a clawed foot and grasped the rim of the seed holder.
A group of younger squirrels, after hearing what Carl was going to do, congregated near the foot of the big oak tree to watch and cheer him on. They all wincedand shrieked in unison at what was happening. 
There was Carl, barely hanging on with just the claws on one paw. The giant human laughed and wasglowing with confidence.
 
MAN
“I almost got him!” Bob shouted back to the porch.
“Conjecture!” Linda shouted back.
“What in blazes are you carrying on about?” A confused Bob yelled.
Linda opened the screen door and said, “The word I was stumped on was ‘conjecture’. Whew! I’m getting some more coffee. Would you like some?”
“How can you think of coffee at a time like this? I’m on the brink of finally getting my revenge on these little thieves.” Bob called back.
Linda rolled her eyes and went back inside.
Bob swung again, hitting the top of the bird feeder hard enough to damage the tin roof. He didn’t care at this point, he wanted to send a message.
 
SQUIRREL
Carl heard Dave yell down at him, “Hang in there, buddy!” He was at a loss on what to do for his friend.
Brooke started to weep, and Krista pulled her in for a hug. “He’ll be ok, hun.”
“I got this.” Robin chirped as she turned away. 
She flew off the big branch like a jet leaving an aircraft carrier. She was on a mission. She flew to the top of the tallest oak, over in the next yard. In less than a minute she was flying back down to Bob’s bird feeder, followed by at least ten of her bird friends.
Half the birds flew towards Bob and the other half to Carl.
 
MAN
I got you now, Bob thought to himself as he raised the broom for another swing.
Suddenly, he was bombarded by birds. Out of nowhere, these flying pests were swarming all around him. He started by swatting at them with the broom, but they were too fast. He dropped the broom and ran back to the safety of his porch, flailing his arms in the process.
He was almost to the door when he lost his balance and tripped over a small water fountain Linda ‘just had to have’. He fell over it and the water spilled all over his pants.
Linda watched the slapstick comedy of errors unfold and stood on the inside of the screened-in porch, giggling like a schoolgirl.
Bob slowly turned his gaze up to her. “Seriously?” he asked, rhetorically, then looked himself over and shaking his arms to dry them.
 
SQUIRREL
While half of Robin’s friends were distracting Bob, she and the remaining birds saved Carl from fallingand possibly breaking a leg.
Two birds on each side of a sturdy, fallen branch had hoisted it up to where Carl was hanging.
“Need a lift?” Robin asked Carl.
“Nah, think I’ll just hang out here for a while.” He sarcastically answered.
The branch was just below his dangling legs now. He looked over at Brooke and without taking his eyes off her, he let go. He floated in mid air for what seemed like hours.
She and Krista hurried down to the base of the tree. Dave was already waiting. The five young squirrel pups were joyously chasing each other and doing backflips. 
Robins four friends were lowering Carl on the branch like an elevator, and he didn’t miss the opportunity to cash in with a smart-alec remark. “This is my floor, thanks guys.” he said, as he hopped off and tipped his imaginary cap.
Brooke ran to him, tackling him and nearly knocking him over
with her hugs and kisses. “I was so worried.”
Dave was patting him on the shoulder with one paw and Krista in his other.
“Look at all this wonderful seed.” Dave said, splaying his little arms wide under the pole of the bird feeder.“Hey, you kids! Start gathering up this seed.” He commanded.
 
MAN
Linda was leaning down to help Bob up. “Let’s get you inside and get you cleaned up.”
“Those squirrels did this to me!” Bob said, standing up and showcasing his messed-up attire with a model’s twirl.
Linda stood there, hands on hips and giving Bob the look. “Why not just let them have their fun. The birds and the squirrels can both eat the feed. I mean…”
“It’s the principle if the thing.” Bob cut her off. “I’m going to remove that feeder and take it back to Lowe’s. I’m going to give that salesman a piece of my mind!”
“Alright, alright. This is your project, do whatever you like.” Linda threw her hands in the air in surrender. She then walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek.
 
SQUIRREL
Dave was still basking in his friend’s glory, celebrating with the other squirrels when he noticed a shadow pass by the small window near the screened porch. “Hey, Carl!” he called out. 
Carl looked up and over the kids gathered in front of him. He caught Dave’s gaze and gave him the ‘just a second’ gesture. A moment later, he came up the Dave. “What’s up, bud?”
“Come with me over to that window.” Dave said, pointing at the window. 
“What now?” Carl had his fill of adventure and just wanted to relax with his wife and friends.
“I don’t know. I’m feeling kind of guilty. I want to go check on Bob.” Said Dave.
Carl nodded his head in agreement, and they made their way to the window. They sat on each side and peered in. They saw an exasperated Bob looking at himself in the mirror, defeated.
Dave whispered over to Carl, “See what I mean?”
“Yeah, he looks pretty sad.” Carl quietly said back.
“I have an idea.” Dave was scratching his chin in thought. “Let’s go back to the tree and we’ll talk about it.”
“Whoa, hold on. I know that look. The last time you had an idea I ended up doing a Tom Cruise impersonation.” Carl said, just before Dave hopped down from the window.
 
MAN
Linda was back in her seat, still working on the crossword puzzle, when Bob came back out to the porch. He was freshly showered. He was wearing his jean shorts, a polo shirt and his walking shoes, as his regular tennis shoes were soaking wet.
“Do you want to go to Lowe’s with me?” He asked.
She looked up at him. “Still going through with it?”
“I simply can’t allow some tree climbing rodents to get the better of me. This ends today!” he proclaimed, stabbing his index finger into his palm.
Bob went out to the garage to get a few tools to make removing the bird feeder a little easier. He returned a few moments later, carrying a small toolbox. He clasped the screen door handle and said, “Wish me luck.”
 
SQUIRREL
Dave decided to let the wives and Robin in on his plan and called them all to his place. Once gathered, he began. “We have all had great fun tormenting Bob with his bird feeders.” 
Brooke cleared her throat and motioned to her and Krista.
“Ok, Carl, Robin and I have had fun.” He retorted rolling his eyes. “Anyway, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling a little guilty. I think we should present a peace offering.”
The wives gasped in shock and looked at each other. Carl spoke up. “What about our food supply?”
“If you’re serious, my friends and I can help you with that.” Robin proposed.
Carl spoke up again. “That’s all well and good, but what about our entertainment?” 
Dave shrugged his shoulders. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. Let’s just fix things with Bob and figure it out from there. Whatcha think?”
“I like the idea. It’s getting more and more dangerous, anyway.” Brooke observed. 
Krista was nodding her head and Robin chirped her approval.
“Then it’s settled. Next time we see…” Dave was cut off by Carl pointing out Bob coming out the screen door.
The two squirrels scurried down to the base of the tree. Dave and Carl each had their cheeks full of acorns and cautiously approached Bob. They stopped in front of him, bowed their heads and placed the acorns at Bob’s feet. They each slowly backed away, holding onto Bob’s stare.
 
MAN
Bob stepped out the screen door, letting it slam behind him. He grimaced and thought, I really need to fix that door closer.
Standing there holding his toolbox, he stared at the task the lay before him. He had only taken two steps when those two troublemaking squirrels came towardhim. He started moving backwards but halted suddenly when he realized that they weren’t acting aggressively. 
He stood in awe as he witnessed the squirrels gifting him their acorns. “Linda!” He yelled out. “You need to see this!”
He knelt in front of them and they kind of sheepishly lowered their heads. He, ever so slightly, lifted a single acorn with his thumb and forefinger. The squirrels didn’t move. Bob turned to look at his wife and she was standing at the screen with her hand over her mouth. 
“Bob? Do they want to be friends and stop being enemies? It’s impossible, isn’t it?” She asked in complete wonderment.
He gently reached forward, handing the acorn to one of the squirrels. It was Dave and he took it from Bob. Carl replaced the taken acorn with another from the pile. This little exchange spoke volumes. 
Bob rose from his position, leaving the toolbox on the ground. 
“Well, I never…” Linda’s thought trailed off.
Carl and Dave climbed up Bob, like he was a tiny, in comparison, six-foot tall tree. He splayed his arms out and the squirrels ended up, one in each hand.
“The feud is over!” Bob said.
 
SQUIRREL AND MAN
Since that day, Bob and Linda put a small bistro style table and chairs at the base of the squirrel’s tree. In the cooler months they would sit out there in the morning, drinking their coffee and enjoying the beautiful outdoors. Carl and Dave eventually ‘introduced’ their wives to Bob and Linda. There were times when the six of them were at the table at the same time. The little backyard oasis was the envy of every tree creature on the property and eventually, the homeowners were one with nature.