Mind The Gap

Mind the Gap

Thank you all for being here today. And I know how grateful you all are for my time. My days are kept busy. Always busy. But I make time. I make time. 

Now, they tell me you wanted to talk about education. Some new test they’re, or rather we’re, about to roll out. I took it by the way. The test. And aced it. Obviously. We’re not here to talk about that. I did ace it though. And really, who has time to cry about the state of every uneducated chav when we have more important - ?

Yes, I read the briefing. I skimmed it. I don’t have time to read every brief that crosses my desk, are you kidding? 

What’s that? If you didn’t constantly mumble I wouldn’t make you repeat yourself. 

I love education. If, like me, you’re born smarter, better than the unwashed masses, you don’t get where I am by chance. My teachers always said I had a special something about me. Has anyone ever said that about the opposition? Doubt it. Bet you can’t guess what my IQ - 

What train? Oh, you mean the brand new high speed line. We have the fastest trains. Nowhere in the world has faster trains than us. 

I hear some people talking about Japan. What do they even have in Japan? All they grow is rice, and you can’t put tracks through bogs, or whatever they grow rice in. Ever tried? It doesn’t work, the wheels get rusty. Or the tracks do. Can’t have rust with your trains. Makes them catch fire. 

Nobody knows more about trains than I do. 

Delay? So what if the project has been delayed? Engineers are holding it up, that’s all it is. Safety concerns, it’s always safety concerns. If they really cared they would find a work around. 

Anyway, it’s only a small delay. Four years, or something. 

You keep talking about a delay, quite a nasty question actually. Because at the end of it we’re going to have a turbo charged line right to the west coast. 

And we’re going to class this as a mega project. No one else is coming up with these ideas. It takes a real genius to come up with words like mega and turbo. Most people don’t know what those words mean, can’t even spell them. I can. Can even use them in a sentence. People are always asking me to define things for them, put stuff in sentences. One guy, stupid guy, small hands, he needed help identifying  different animals. But that’s the state of education in this country. 

I can’t answer your questions if you keep interrupting me!

No, it’s not too hot in here. I’m a master of bodily control. They keep trying to catch me out, but they can’t. Can’t do it. When they hit my knee with that, you know, that thing, that hits. It hits and, and then…

You have like a big one for, like, for houses, and sometimes a smaller one, and it hits…

Hammer, I was about to say hammer. 

Don’t interrupt me!

Anyway, they hit my knee and my leg didn’t move an inch. Not an inch. Most people can’t control their body like I can. The doctor was very impressed, he made pages of notes. 

If you don’t stop bringing up the delays I’m not going to let you ask questions anymore. And it’s not called a cognitive delay. Trains don’t think, stupid. Why are you so stupid?

High speed travel is the future. I actually came up with the idea. We were on a train to Edinburgh, and I said ‘It sure would be great to get there faster’. And I was only eight at the time. 

You know many eight year-olds coming up with high speed travel? But then, I was a marvel at school. Most kids only have one parent’s evening a year. My mum was always talking with my teacher, she had so much to say about my progress. Called me a real special kid. Had my own special class. Too smart for the rest of them to keep up. 

No, I don’t need to sit down. You’re supposed to ask questions on the topic, you were briefed. I could do your job better. I should have been a journalist. I would have been the greatest journalist in the world. I ask the best questions, that’s what everyone says. Every time I ask a question someone tells me how interesting it is. ‘Interesting’ they’ll say, and write it down so they don’t forget it.  

You’re asking me all these questions, really nasty questions, but take a look at the opposition. Never seen such a bumbling excuse for a man. Dribbling, mumbling, nothing he says makes any sense. He has no real plans for this country, you ask him and he just dodges the question. Always someone else to blame, talks about things which happened decades ago. I wouldn’t trust him to make his own dinner. Actually saw him being spoon fed the other day. Can’t put him in charge of the country. Me? They trust me to feed myself, and I only spill a small amount on my shirt. That’s normal. They tell me that’s normal. 

You keep interrupting, trying to confuse me. We’re talking about high speed trains. I have so many meetings about…

Well, there used to be more meetings. Right? I remember, everyday there were at least, at least two meetings. 

The transport man. People. The guy, his name…

I can’t remember, but he should be here. He’s the one holding this all up, why am I being hounded about it?

No, I don’t want to sit down! 

I have a meeting, no one will tell me where, I can’t remember, but it’s somewhere, and they’re waiting for me. Can’t start without me, but you’re keeping me here with your inane questions!

Get off me! I won’t calm down!

Always keeping me busy, how am I supposed to get anything done? But the trains, fastest in the world, you know. Not even Japan, not even China…

Boy, do they know how to age in China. Ever seen them? Those wizened old men? Bent over, long white hair, running all over the place. They keep living. Brain stays young. Keeps the fog at bay. 

I had a meeting. Or an interview. Something. About the trains. Used to be more frequent. Not anymore. 

No, not the trains. The meetings. It was busier once. People stopped coming. Like I wasn’t needed. 

The country runs itself, that’s what they tell me. I guess that’s true. Seems like no one needs me anymore. 

Because I’m an expert at delegating. Difficult skill to master, takes someone as inspiring as me to get it right. 

Yes, I will have some water. In a minute. I need the brief, what’s this about? Well, I didn’t read the brief, I skimmed it. I’ve no time to read every brief which comes across my desk…