My Dream (Mi Sueño)

Cuckoo, cuckoo! It’s already 5:00 pm. “He must be stuck in traffic.” The water boiling letting me know I can start putting my ingredients into it. Crash! Great, the neighbors knocked over the trash cans again. “I’ll deal with that after I put the celery in the pot. Why can’t I relax? Chopping the vegetables for dinner on the cutting board. Why does my neck feel so stiff? I take the celery and put it into the pot for the soup I’m making. Mm, why does my heart feel so heavy? I press my hand to my chest to ease the pain. Then it clicks. Oh no! Oh no, no, no. It’s okay, breathe. Being in a panic will only make it worse. I turn the stove off as I try to get to the bedroom. Just a few steps. Just a few steps. It’ll be okay. I start feeling the numbing sensation. Oh no! No, no, no! I’m not there. Breath! It’ll be okay. I peel my feet to keep moving, even though they feel heavier than before. It’ll be okay, we’ll be fine. It’s not the first time it won’t be the last. Let’s just get to the bed then we’ll ride it out. Nothing new. My head is starting to feel light as if all the blood is rushing out of it. I see the bedroom, it’s just right there. 
         I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Damn it! I don’t. Finally opening the door, I get to the bed. On queue, my body starts the process of the panic attack. I flop onto my back on the bed to let it take full control. It’s okay, it’ll be over soon. My legs go numb as does my fingers, my breathing becoming rapid and shallow. I can’t grasp for air, my jaw locked shut. My body feels so heavy, I can’t keep my eyes open. I just shut them close as silent tears escape my eyes. I’m scared. We’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. I hate this! I know we’ll be okay. Why does it feel like I’m going to die? We're not! Not like this.  
       I hear the front door opening. “Honey, I’m home!” Mi sueño! I’m here. I can hear his footsteps going through the house. “Honey.” His rustic voice vibrates off the walls. “Babe.” Mi sueño. “Mamacita?” His steps are closer, he must be in the hallway. “Mamacita, where are you?” 
                  He must have seen that I’m in here as I hear him taking his boots off. I feel so useless as I am trapped in this state. “Oh, mama’s it’s okay. I’m here. No cry.” I feel the bed dip meaning he’s climbing into bed to lay down with me. “Oh, mamacita.” I feel his arm going behind my neck to wrap me in his embrace. “Shhh, it’s okay.” His voice is so soothing, I can smell his clean woodsy cologne as it engulfs my lungs. “There you go, deep breaths.” His soft callous hands trying to get my arms to wrap around him as he pulls me closer to his chest. I can feel his beating heart through his shirt. His legs trying to wrap around mine as he knows his body weight and the texture of his clothes helps me get out of an attack sooner. “I’m sorry, I’m late mi amor. Can you open your eyes for me? Hm? I need to see those eyes of yours.”  
                My heart no longer racing and trying to beat normal again. I feel the blood slowly starting to go to my brain. “Hm?” He places sweet kisses on my forehead. My jaw finally unclenched “Mi sueño” forgetting how weak my voice is after having a panic attack. “There you are mamacita. Feeling better?” Finally opening my eyes, I see his cool dark espresso eyes lovingly looking into mine. “My head hurts. I can also feel sensation back into my hands and feet.”  
              “That’s good.” I muster up all the strength I have to wrap my arms around him and give him a small squeeze. “Oh, honey.” He says so lovingly to me, I nuzzle my head closer to his neck wanting to be engulfed by his scent. “I hate this.” 
“It’s okay mamacita.” 
“I try, and it feels like no matter what I do.” New tears slipping down my face, not because of sadness but of frustration at myself and my dumb anxiety. 
“Hey, no cry mamas. Don’t think like that. It is not your fault. Okay? Now come on no more tears. You’ll get a tension headache again.” He wipes my tears with his shirt. “There, isn’t that better.” Then he starts rubbing my head and running his fingers into my scalp.  
“Hmm, that feels good. Can you hold me just for a few more minutes? Then I’ll get back to making dinner for us.”  
“Yes, to the holding but no to the dinner. I’ll order something for us, don’t worry about dinner tonight. I got you.” 
“But, what about-” 
“Don’t worry about the kitchen or the trash cans or anything else. I know you think you're superhuman but that’s why I’m here. I’m here for you, to help you, to love you. That’s how relationships work. Not 50/50 but some days 80/20 or 60/40.” 
“But that’s not...” 
“Babe, close your eyes. Let me take care of you.” 
   I know there is no use arguing with him. I close my eyes as he told me. 
“Good girl. Now take a nap, I know you're still tired. I’ll be right here. When you wake up food will be here, and we’ll cuddle up to watch some movies. How does that sound? 
“Sounds amazing. I am getting a bit sleepy.” 
“Okay. I’ll stay here till you sleep.” 
  As I start drifting to sleep, I hear mi sueño humming my favorite song. Like magic, no more thoughts.