Right Mind

It had never mattered. Never mattered that she shouldered the responsibility for thousands, never mattered that no one had ever stuck around long enough to share the danger of her title. It had never mattered that she poured her heart out to anyone who cared enough to listen, never mattered that they never stayed long enough to hear her soul. It had never mattered that he had no great family name, held no lands, or title. Through danger and peace, it only mattered that he had stood beside her, his sword guarding her back, his voice shielding her fragile heart each time it broke, each time he put it back together.

She hadn’t cared, hadn’t cared when she sought him out time after time, even when eyebrows were raised, rumours spiralling, she hadn’t cared. Through the pain and fear of war, assassins, and danger her family name brought, he had been her constant, the one thing that never changed. But it would never matter, for the moment she allowed her heart to speak truly, it would shatter beyond repair, would never heal if, when, he walked away from her, from the danger that being with her brought. Still, with his back to her, the wind ruffling his red-gold hair, she could pretend. She could pretend for just a moment that when he stared up at the stars glittering above their heads that he was thinking of her, pretend that they were here because he loved her, consequences be damned, pretend that a crown of gold sat atop that flaming hair. Because to hope for it to be real was to hope for heaven to open, for the gods to speak, for the hopeless dreams of thousands to be answered. To hope when there was none was asking for another heartbreak.

But she couldn’t help it, couldn’t help that each laugh, his head tipped back, eyes shut with the force of his joy, each smile from across the room, each word, each blow in her defence brought her closer to crossing that line. She couldn’t help if each moment in his presence had her spiralling into the unknown, falling faster, further than ever before. She offered a smile when he glanced back to see where she’d gone, laughter dancing in his eyes, the same green as the trees behind her, the green of her land, her home,

“Where’d you go?”

“Nowhere,” she whispered, finally sinking to the ground beside him, “I’m here.” Resting her head on his shoulder was a luxury she couldn’t afford, but it was one that she couldn’t stop herself from taking, not when he was this close. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to pretend for a moment, and didn’t register his words. For a heartbeat, she thought that maybe in her daze she’d missed it, missed those words that she knew he would never say, not to her, never to her. Still, she couldn’t stop herself from whispering them, whispering, “I love you,” it had been too quiet to hear over the breeze, but the moment those words passed her lips, the breeze died, leaving the words unmistakable. It was too late; she could never take them back, could never pretend again, she’d allowed her foolish heart to try again, and now she would watch as it shattered into a million pieces. She turned away, unable to decipher the shock, the tangled emotions on his beautiful face, she didn’t want to, she didn’t want to see the decision to leave there. “It’s okay,” she murmured, “Just go, I know, I know no-one in their right mind would want this kind of life, I don’t. Just go,” she forced her voice to steady, to hold back the sob forming in her throat, hardly daring to believe the whisper in the silence,

“Then I guess I’ve never been in my right mind,” a gentle touch squeezed her shoulder, then gripped her chin, turning her face back to his, none of her fears on his face, nothing but wonder, and surprise and, and love. “It’s been years since I gave up on hearing those words from you, but I never stopped loving you, not when you took just about everyone else to bed, not when you cried each time they left, not each time I had to find them, to make them realize what they’d lost. Nothing could make me stop loving you, not the pressure of a crown, not the threat of assassins, not the danger of war. Nothing, not even death itself, could break my feelings for you. So, if you let me, I’ll take my time showing you everything I love about you.” Her vision blurred with tears, and she didn’t bother with words. No words could hope to encompass the weight of her feelings as she shifted to face him fully, and she reached to cup his jaw, to slide a hand into that wind-tousled hair as she hauled her mouth to his.

It was an explosion. Every thought, every feeling raced through that kiss, his love singing in her blood at the way he tugged her closer, an arm around her waist, a hand in her hair. It was everything she had never dared to hope for, everything and more. She panted for breath when she finally pulled back, eyes pricking again with tears as she beheld him in the starlight, face framed by her hands, grinning like she was his whole world. Yes, she could take this leap, she wouldn’t have to pretend any longer, and she wasn’t afraid when she said again,

“I love you.”

With him, she could do this, she could go back into that council chamber, and she could finally, after decades of war, she could finally find a way to peace.