Rudolph's Last Stand

“You’re WHAT??? Could you repeat that, slowly? My hearing aid must be acting up again.”

“You heard me. We’re retiring you.”

“Retiring me? Santa, how could you? I’m an essential member of the Seasonal Surprise Delivery Tem.”

“No one is indispensable, Rudolph.”

“But WHY?”

“Your story broke in 1939, Rudolph. This is 2024. You are well past retirement age. We’ve replaced the other reindeer at least half a dozen times since you came on board.”

“Really? I didn’t notice. They all look alike. But what does that have to do with me? I’m the one with the winning personality, the special giftedness, the hit songs.”

“We’ve had a number of complaints about your narcissistic attitude. It’s as if everything begins and ends with you. Could you pull the sled all by yourself?”

“I haven’t tried.”

“You sure complained loudly enough when Donner broke his leg and you had to take his place and actually pull your weight.”

“Can I help it if I’m destined for a higher purpose? I’m the guiding light that parts the fog and shows the way…”

“Because we equipped you with a GPS. Things were pretty erratic before then. We often had to call in other carriers to get all the deliveries done on schedule.”

“That really hurts, Santa. I make a few mistakes, and suddenly I’m trash.”

“Last year, we had to make several unscheduled stops because you were out of breath. It’s time to pass the baton to the younger generation."

“The next generation? What do you mean by that?  I’m one of a kind!”

“Actually, that’s not quite true. About eighteen per cent of flying reindeer have a recessive shiny nose gene. If two carriers mate, one-quarter of their offspring will have shiny noses. We interviewed all the eligible candidates we could locate and chose a successor for you. Her name is Trudy.”

 “Trudy! A female with no experience! How can she do an important job like mine?”

“She’s in the last week of a three-month training program. You started with no training whatsoever.”

“This is outrageous! I’m going to the Labour Board.”

“Rudolph, you don’t have a contract. You are a volunteer. After your first flight, you just took it for granted that you could stay forever. You’ve been enjoying free room and board and a huge fan base, all in exchange for one global tour per year. That’s a sweet deal by any standard.”

“And now … you’re just going to throw me out because I’m old? Wait until the media hears about this!”

“You’re welcome to stay. All you have to do is go on tour with Trudy and introduce her to the public. They will love a fresh face, especially a female one.”

“And if I refuse?”

“You’re on your own.”

“So that’s how you reward me after everything I’ve done for you!”

“Do the tour, Rudolph. Rudy and Trudy. People will eat it up.”

“And then I just fade away?”

“You can say you’re retiring to enjoy your great-great-grandchildren … or that you’ve been recruited for a top secret mission … or you plan to devote yourself to writing your memoirs. Whatever suits your fancy.”

“How about the truth? You’re throwing me under the bus for no valid reason!  My story will knock you off your pedestal!”

“I think you’ll discover that the Santa Collective has substantial media influence. Anything you said would be written off as fake news generated by conspiracy theorists.”

“The Santa Collective? Never heard of them.”

“Our union. The Santas of the world work together to preserve our traditions, sustain our public profile, and encourage seasonal spending.”

“That’s ridiculous. There’s only one Santa, and that’s you.”

“Wake up, Rudolph! The original Santa died on December 6, 343. Every version since then has been a knock-off, shaped by the evolution of history, culture, and economic fluctuations. Do you really believe that a single individual, even armed with magical powers, could meet all the demands for deliveries and public appearances?”

“Of course they have to dress up people to serve as stand-ins for you. But that doesn’t mean you’re not real. I’ve been working with you for 85 years, and I know that you’re the One and Only.”

“You haven’t been very observant. Every sleigh ride you guided was piloted by a different member of our Santa Pool.”

“You’re kidding! How could you fool me like that?”

“We’re the elite Santas. We strive for uniformity. We like to think of ourselves as Avatars of the Spirit of Giving. We grow our own facial hair, practise our ho-ho-ho’s daily, keep a record of requests, and fulfil as many dreams as possible. We do everything we can to make the world a happier place.”

“Forgive me for being a sourpuss, but I’m very disappointed in you for deceiving innocent children who just want to believe in somebody bigger and better than the adults who so often fail to meet their expectations. You’ve got to try harder. Stop encouraging debauchery, false advertising and obesity. Have you thought of going on a diet and handing out carrot sticks instead of candy canes?”

“That’s an intriguing idea, Rudolph. If the Trudy and Rudy tour goes well, we might be able to make room for you on our Creative Development Committee.”