The Worst Jobs in the Galaxy - Telepath

David walked out to the front of the Omnipaedia Institute, sighed and put on the helmet. I must look like a right tit he thought.

Almost immediately he felt a new memory in his head. ‘Now now. That will not help the plants to grow.’

It had been a telepathic message from Fifth Seeker, a Giluph and his employer. The Giluph were grey-skinned molluscoids about thirty centimetres long. They were highly intelligent, civilised and telepathic beings. They were learned, cultured, enlightened and the sponsors of the Omnipaedia.

David, by contrast, was a Human, a large ape descendant and rather primitive and crude by the standards of Galactic society. He tended to refer to the Giluph as ‘slug guys’.

Another memory arrived from Fifth Seeker, ‘Try encouraging the garden to grow, and remember, be positive.’

David grimaced and thought ‘grow’ at the various slime moulds and fungi arranged in various patterns.

‘Oh, very good. Registering positive feedback. Now try verbalising as well.’ came the memory from Fifth Seeker.

Travel the Galaxy and now he was just talking to plants? Still, it was a job he guessed.

“Hey you lot. You look, um, beautiful. Grow. Grow.” he said.

He still thought that he looked like a real tit.


Fifth Seeker watched Human David. He was happy the being had returned. He had heard that they had been drifting from occupation to occupation, unable to find his place. In a sense, they were representative of Humanity as a whole. The large awkward bipeds were often out of place and often relegated to menial duties that others found distasteful. He thought getting them to do the gardening would be rewarding. Fifth Seeker did not dislike the duty, it just wasn’t very good at it. Also, it had discovered a reference in the Earth’s history records that the Humans talked to plants. Fifth Seeker had wondered if a Human equipped with a psi enhancer could be an effective gardener. It matched perfectly with a desire to assist Human David, a being that was pleasant to interact with. Humans called this complex interweaving of senses and beings, ‘friendship’. It would be interesting and pleasing to investigate further. Not to mention revisiting other lines of inquiry.


David walked through the avenues lined with what the Giluph considered appealing flora. Or, at least what the slug guys thought was an avenue. With their eyes usually only twenty centimetres off the ground, most of the large fungi barely made it to his hips. He occasionally bent over as he talked to the things. As he made his way to the rear of the Institute he heard a voice.

'You look like a right tit in that you know," said the voice. 

It was a real voice, from a Human and not a telepathic message. It was also a young woman's voice. This should have been particularly welcome had it not been that this young woman was known to him.

Amy was a Human researcher who worked with the Giluph at the Institute. She was admittedly brilliant, which is why the slug guys had hired her. She was also attractive which is why David had gone out with her. She was also an elitist, condescending snob, which is why the affair had been a brief one.

"Aww, hell. I had forgotten you work here,"  he said.

Amy folded her arms, "Of course I do. Unlike some people I can hold down a job," she said. David was, in her opinion kind of ruggedly handsome and admittedly funny at times. Other times he was a crass, atavistic boor with worse manners than a neochimp. He was also a slob.

The two Humans stared at each other for a moment.

"I'll have you know that I like seeing different parts of the Galaxy," said David.

"So why are you back, wait, just what are you thinking?" said Amy as she picked up David's errant thought.

"Uh, nothing?"

"Liar. I can tell. That helmet broadcasts, and, stop it!" said Amy.

David grinned as he fiddled with the chin strap and removed the ungainly helmet, "There, better? Wonder what I would pick up if you were wearing one," he said.

In response, Amy harumphed, turned and left. David sighed and put the helmet back on and resumed thinking positive thoughts at the slimes, moulds and fungi that constituted the garden.


‘The initial results are positive Human David’ came the memory as Fifth Seeker sent the telepathic message. ‘The garden is responding to you.’

David was in the room Fifth Seeker performed most of its experiments and work. The Giluph was working on an alien device as it projected to him. As far as he was concerned the slug guys were alright. No posturing or managerial bullshit, the Giluph just didn’t invest in hierarchies. Fifth Seeker was simply the fifth Giluph seeker at the Omnipaedia. If the First through Fourth moved on then their names/titles would change. Still, there was something he wanted sorted out.

“Was there any other reason you hired me in particular?” David asked the alien.

Fifth Seeker finished with the device and turned to face David. The alien’s stalked, unblinking eyes regarded him. 

‘You are perceptive Friend Human David. I would like to resume the mating experiment between you and Friend Human Amy.’ it projected.

“So, do you really need a gardener?” asked David.

‘I do Friend Human David. The work there will help accustom you to using the psionic amplifier. After examination of your previous interaction with Friend Human Amy, I detected that Humans are not entirely honest when communicating. I believe if you communicate telepathically with one another the results will be different.’ projected Fifth Seeker.

“Have you asked Amy about this experiment?” asked David.

‘That is your first concern. You are not as hostile to Friend Human Amy as you demonstrate. In any event Friend Human Amy has not cancelled her initial consent to the experiment.’ projected Fith Seeker.

David reminded himself that the Giluph, while highly civilised could be rather insensitive towards other species. 

“Perhaps, I should tell Amy. I am a fellow Human after all,” he said.

Fifth Seeker continued to look at him. David reminded himself that while they communicated telepathically, they could not actually read minds.

‘Yes. A good thought. It will assist in the bonding process.’ projected Fifth Seeker.

With that approval, David left and went in search of Amy.



David found Amy in another part of the Institute. She was seated in a room surrounded by various Giluph devices and wearing a psi helmet that covered her head. David had to admit that, yes, they did make you look silly.

“Um, Amy,” David began.

“What do you want now?” Amy replied.

“When did the slug guys start you on that?” David said tapping his head.

“Day before last, why? They said it would help me interface with their devices. They respond to telepathic projection.”

“They want us to communicate telepathically. Together. Fifth Seeker thinks what he sees as clear communication may make us, change our minds about, well, you know,” David said.

Obscured by the helmet. Amy’s reactions were unreadable, “That underhanded, deceitful lying, lying slug.” she said after a moment. “I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the only man within a thousand lights.”

David attempted to protest that point when he received a memory of Amy kissing him. “Um, sure about that? You er, thought otherwise,” he said.

Amy swore and quickly moved her hands to the chin strap and removed the helmet. “Bloody hell, that thing is,” 

“Not exactly the wonder everyone thinks it is? If we primitive monkeys were supposed to be able to handle telepathy we would have evolved it,” said David.

Amy cocked her head as she regarded David, “That’s, unusually perceptive of you,”

“Hey, I know things. I also think the slugs weren’t lying, well, not really. They just want to see us get together. They want to help but are a bit, um,” he said.

“Clueless when acting like mom and aunt?” Amy’s voice changed, “Amy dear, why don’t you go out more? Amy, I know this great guy at work. Amy, when are you going to settle down?”

“Tell us about this girl David. When are we going to meet her?” said David affecting the same tone. ‘Yeah, I’ve heard that as well. Bit strange coming from the slug guys though,”

“They don’t seem like the matchmaker types. It is weird,” agreed Amy.

“So, what do we do?” asked David.

Amy looked at him for a moment, “Well, it is an experiment. I would like to know what telepathy from a member of my own species feels like,” she said.

“Even if I’m the only Human within one thousand lights?” David said hopefully.

“Don’t get your hopes up,” came the curt reply.