Vermyn and the Broken Bird

“When your bird is broken,

                     Will it bring you down?”

It was only seven forty-two in the morning and already things were beginning to go all pear shaped. I stood outside the door to the English department, where my office inexplicably resides. I don’t know why they put me there. I suppose they didn’t have room anywhere else, or they didn’t know what department to put a cryptologist in. Anyway, I could see through the window that The Chair was already in her office, no doubt waiting to pounce on the next person foolish enough to push on the door and thus ring the string of little bells she had tied to the inside doorknob to alert her of another hapless victim to harangue. I was determined to enter silently and escape to my office with the Times crossword.
 I slowly turned the knob and pulled the door open just a crack, just enough for me to fit. I held my breath and squeezed gingerly through. I was just easing the door closed when my hand slipped a little and one of the bells rang out. In an instant, The Chair had thrown open her office door and was descending upon me at top speed.
“Ah, Vermyn. Just the creature I am looking for.” I let the door fall closed with a merry tinkle of the bells that sounded the opposite of how I felt.
“Well, Madam Chair, to tell you the truth,” I lied, “I’ve got to conduct an important Zoom meet-”
“It’s been smashed, Vermyn,” she interrupted.
“Um...what?”
“The Raven!” she exclaimed, waving her hands toward the large oval table we used for meetings. “Didn’t you notice that it’s missing?” Yes, there had been a statue, some kind of creepy predatory bird. In my opinion, the table looked nicer without it.
“Definitely an improvement,” I said.
“What?! No! It was the Raven Prize, which I was awarded at the Poe conference in two thousand and eight. When I came in a few hours ago, I found that somebody had pushed it off the table and smashed it on the floor.” A few hours ago? I thought. How early did The Chair get here in the morning? She was staring at me like she expected me to say something.
“Well, um, I’m sorry?” I said in a voice that sounded like a question.
“Sorry isn’t going to cut it, Vermyn, and that’s why I want you on the case.” She leaned in close and her small eyes narrowed further. “You’re an expert in cryptography eh? Well, then, I give you this mystery to solve.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Between you and me, I’m certain that it was Davidson.”
“Madam Chair,” I whispered back, “You are aware, I hope, that cryptology is not the same thing as forensics. I’m not a detective; I solve codes, not crimes.”
“Good enough for me. You’re the only one around here who solves anything.”
“Why do you think it was Davidson?”
“He’s always had it in for that statue. You see, he’s jealous because he’s never been awarded one. I’m sure it was him. Let me know when you’ve got the goods on him, Vermyn. I’m going to go fill out the paperwork for his termination.” With that, The Chair retreated back into her office and shut the door.

* * * * * *

Down the hall, my own office door was already open and my office mate, a young professor of post-colonial literature named Charlie was sitting at his computer, playing solitaire with a melancholy look on his face. There was cool jazz coming out of the little computer speakers, which could only mean one thing; Charlie was in love...again.
“Good morning, sunshine,” I said.
“Oh hi, Vermyn,” Charlie spoke sadly without looking up.
“You’re an early bird,” I said, hoping to draw him out a little.
“Yeah well I woke up at four this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I figured I would come in early and get some extra work done.” He started another round of solitaire and sighed deeply.
“Okay, buddy. Who is she?”
“Who is who?” he said, clicking another card.
“Whatever woman you are mooning over now. I know you, Charlie. C’mon, man. Out with it. What’s her name?” Charlie closed his game and looked up sadly toward the fluorescent tracked lighting.
“What does it matter, Verm. She doesn’t even know I’m alive.”
“Have you told her?”
“Told her what?”
“That you’re alive.”
“Oh ha ha. You know what I mean. I’ve tried to introduce myself to her twice but-”
“Exactly who are we talking about, anyway?” I asked him.
“All I know about her is that her name is Carrie and she’s the new girl in the science lab, over in F building.
“By ‘new girl’ you wouldn’t, by any chance, be referring to Miss Carrie Baylor, the university’s new research professor in chemical engineering would you?”
Charlie’s face suddenly showed interest and he wheeled his chair closer to me. “You’ve met her? Tell me what you know about her. C’mon Vermyn, give me everything you’ve got. I need an edge.”
“What do you mean, an edge?”
“You said it yourself. If it’s Miss Baylor, then there’s going to be a bunch of guys arrowing for her and I’m going to need an edge to have any chance at all. Some of these guys have way bigger salaries than mine and if the admins get in on the action, good gawd, I’ll get blown out of the water for sure if I don’t have an inside straight. You got to help me, Verm.”
“Well, Charlie. I can’t make any promises, but I intended to drop in on her and say hi later today. You can come with me if you promise not to make a fool of yourself.”
“Of course. I’ll be the very picture of cool.”
“Alright, I’ll come and get you after lunch. Right now, I guess I need to go examine the scene of the crime, the locus in quo, as they say on Britbox.”
“What crime?”
I pronounced solemnly “The mystery of the broken bird.”
Charlie looked at me, confused. It was, in fact, his signature look. “The what?”
“Somebody smashed the raven.”
“Oh. That stupid statue? I wondered why it wasn’t on the big table. Definite improvement if you ask me.”
I left Charlie to his solitaire and went back to look for incriminating evidence. There wasn’t much to find. The Chair had already swept and vacuumed the pieces of the broken statue. Other than that, one of the chairs was wobbly because it had a loose leg, and the bottom screw had fallen out of the cover for the central air vent. Not exactly a smoking gun.
The bells to the door tinkled and I heard a voice say “Oh hi Vermyn.” It was Davidson, professor of American lit. “What brings you in early. I thought you were more of a nocturnal sort.”
I ignored this jibe as it was just Davidson’s way. “Well, at present, The Chair has me scampering to solve a mystery.”
Davidson chuckled a little. “Mystery? What mystery?”
“The case of the broken bird,” I intoned seriously and indicated the bare tabletop.
“Hey the raven is gone!” he exclaimed.
“Indeed,” I said. “And what do you know about it?” I looked at Davidson the way I imagined a detective might do.
“Nothing,” he said, casually hanging his coat on the rack. “I just got here. Anyway, it feels like an improvement to me. I always had to crane my neck to talk to whoever was sitting on the other side of the damned thing.”
“So you admit that you hated the statue, eh?”
“No, I never hated it, just that it was in the way. I’m a big fan of the Poe Conference. I go every year.” He leaned toward me and whispered conspiratorially. “She didn’t really win it, you know. I was at that conference in two-thousand eight. She pulled some strings and called in a favor to be awarded that prize. There were deep machinations going on at that Poe conference.”
“And yet, you claim you know nothing about this crime?”
Davidson rolled his eyes. “Oh come off it, Vermyn. You know I just got here. You saw me come in just now.”
“You’re right, Davidson,” I said, deflating. “I’m new to this whole sleuthing thing. I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
“Well, have you found any clues?”
“Not really, there’s a wobbly chair and the vent cover is loose.”
“Well, best of luck. And hey, The Chair doesn’t know that I know what happened at that Poe conference. Let’s keep it a secret. Don’t rat me out, huh?”
 
Rat me out?! Don’t rat me out?! Rat me out, indeed! Et tu, Davidson? Rat, indeed. Say it right Genus Rattus and give that r a roll. Give it such a roll as would make...um...well I guess I don’t quite know where I was going with that. And Davidson is a decent enough person. Hell, most of them are, unless they’re in a group. Rrrratus I may be, but what is that difference in the grand scheme of things. My degrees are just as good and my CV just as impressive. I stand up straight. I keep my feet on the ground and my hands in my pockets and I get along just fine, thank you very much.

*            *            *            *

Later, I met up again with Charlie and took him over to the sciences building to meet “the new girl”. I’ve never cared much for F building. It is one of the older structures on campus, and the Sciences department has remodeled it ad infinitum to accommodate their lab spaces and experiments. The hallways are narrow and often make irregular turns. Always makes me feel like I’m running a maze. I keep expecting to find a piece of cheese at the end. After a little searching, Charlie and I found Miss Baylor in a dark laboratory at the end of a weirdly long hallway.
“Shut the door before you ruin the experiment,” she said without averting her gaze from a Pyrex cylinder that was half-full of a clear fluid. Thin glass piping connected that cylinder with an assortment of beakers and test tubes. I sneaked up until our heads were close together, and then I whispered “Hi Carrie. What are we watching for?”
“We’re waiting for it to change color,” she whispered back.
We stared at the cylinder in silence for several minutes. I could feel Charlie being awkward behind us. Then, the liquid in the cylinder turned from clear to purple. “Ah!” I said and clapped my hands slowly. “Excellent work. The university’s money is being well-invested. The transformation of water into purple water has been sought after since the time of Archimedes and you, Miss Baylor, have this very day achieved that dream. Congratulations.”
She seemed to notice us for the first time. “Vermyn!” she exclaimed, happily. “It’s so good to see you again. I can’t believe we’re working at the same college after all this time.”
“In my end is my beginning,” I said. “So, what does the purple water mean?”
“Well, Verm, I could instruct you for hours on the science, but let it suffice to say that we ain’t got it down yet.”
By this point, Charlie’s awkwardness had become quite palpable, so I introduced him.
“Carrie, I want you to meet my friend, Charlie. He’s my office mate over in the English department where they’ve stuck me. He’s a good guy, in spite of how he looks.”
“Delighted to meet you, Charlie. Any friend of Vermyn’s is a friend of mine.” She stepped forward examining him with the same intense gaze she had given the graduated cylinder.
Poor Charlie, I thought. He’ll be smitten for sure now. His face looked like a woodcut drawing you might find next to the dictionary entry for the word, awkward. “Uh...pleased to meet you, Miss Baylor. Uh Vermyn is indeed a friend of mine...That is...I mean...Well, pleased to meet you anyway...er.” I didn’t want to see him sink his chances on his first meeting, so I intervened.
“Well, we’ve got to be going, Carrie. We just wanted to stop in and welcome you to the university and I --” I stopped short when something caught my peripheral vision, something sleek and predatory. I turned my head to see a cat walking across the lab table towards us. The cat was mostly black with white paws and a white chest, like a tuxedo. “Well, well. Who is this little monster?” I reached out to pet the cat and the damned thing arched his back and hissed at me.
“Mister Marbles!” Carrie said, scolding the cat and picking it up off the table. “You’re being a bad little kitty. That’s no way for such a handsome boy to behave!” Over her shoulder, Mister Marbles gave Charlie and I a malevolent glare and began to purr contentedly.
“I didn’t know you had a cat,” I said.
“He’s not mine. Apparently he wandered into the science building one day and the department took him in as an unofficial mascot. He’s really handy at rounding up escaped lab mice.”
“Hmpf! Nasty little predator.”
“Oh, c’mon, Verm,” said Charlie. “He looks like a perfectly nice cat to me.” I watched in amazement as Charlie suddenly overcame his awkwardness and strode over to pet the cat, who continued eyeing me as if I were a particularly fancy cat toy. “Who’s a handsome boy?” he cooed, petting the cat, who began purring even louder than before.
Outside the science building, Charlie rounded on me. “You sneaky creature. You know her better than you let on. I suppose you’re already going out with her. You could have at least told me ahead of time and saved me the trouble of making a jackass of myself!”
“Don’t get your undies in a bunch, Charlie. Miss Baylor and I used to work together back when I was at the Pentagon. In fact, it was the two of us who single handedly, I suppose double-handedly, broke open the Case of the Golden Feathers – er...actually I’m not technically allowed to discuss that with anybody, ever. Can we pretend I didn’t just say that last couple of sentences?”
Charlie narrowed his eyes. “Well, that depends, Verm. Are you gonna put in a good word for me to Miss. Baylor?”
“Alright, Charlie. You’ve got a deal. Anyway, I think you already impressed her with your cat-handling abilities.”

*            *            *            *

Later that afternoon, I returned to the office to find Davidson and The Chair engaged in a conversation that I can only describe as heated.
“Admit it!” The Chair said, loudly. “You smashed it, just like you smashed the raven!”
“I didn’t smash anything.” Davidson was indignant. “You were out here before I was. You saw me come out of my office. For all I know you smashed the stupid thing yourself.”
“Myself?!” The Chair Screeched. “Myself, indeed. Why I’ll-”
“Ahem.” I cleared my throat to get their attention.
The Chair spoke again. “Ah, Vermyn. I trust you just heard that confession of guilt?”
I said “Um.” and we all stood there awkwardly for a long moment. Then I said “well...” Still nothing happened. They both seemed to be waiting for me to settle things. “Okay, what’s all this about, anyway?” I asked. They both started yammering at me at the same time and I couldn’t make out a word of it. I made a cutting gesture with my hand and said “One at a time please. Madam Chair, you first.”
“Vermyn, This morning, I put a new temporary statuette on the table to replace the raven. Ten minutes ago, I heard a noise and came out of my office to find it smashed just like the raven, and Davidson standing over the broken pieces like Ozymandious.”
“Okay. Mr. Davidson, what say you?”
“Look here Vermyn,” Davidson said. “That statuette was in perfect shape when I got here and went into my office. I graded papers for a few minutes and then I heard a crash out here. Well, I came out to see what happened and before I could even say anything, she started screaming at me.”
“Screaming at you?!” The Chair screamed. “You haven’t seen screaming yet, Mr. Davidson.” She made to start screaming some more but I interrupted her by waving my hands.
“Alright everybody. Let’s all consider we’ve learned from this frank and earnest exchange. I am looking into the matter and I promise to give you my verdict tomorrow morning at eleven-thirty. Let us adjourn until then.”
Amazingly, they both went away.
 
The next morning, I arrived at five after eleven to find Davidson and The Chair already sitting at the meeting table. I checked under the table and found what I was looking for. I held it up triumphantly. It was a small plastic figurine of the Hindu god, Ganesh, with his elephant head and many arms.
“Where did that thing come from?” demanded The Chair.
“My desk. I placed it on the table before I went home.”
“How did it get down there?” asked Davidson.
“Give me a moment and I’ll show you.” I placed my laptop on the table and angled it so they both could see. “Before I went home last night I set a little webcam over there on the book rack and trained it on Ganesh. Let’s see what happened, shall we?” I advanced the video to the relevant time and clicked the play button.
The video showed the darkened office and the meeting table with the little Ganesh figurine sitting placidly. Then, the heating vent on the wall behind the table swung slowly to the side. After a moment, out jumped Mister Marbles the cat, looking resplendent in his natural tuxedo. The little monster landed confidently on the table and strode purposefully over to the figurine. He looked around for a moment. Lazily, he pushed poor Ganesh right off the table with one swipe of his white-tipped paw. He looked down off the edge of the table, considering his handiwork for a moment. Then he strode back across the table to the vent, pushed the bottom end aside, and disappeared back into the ducting.
“Ha!” Davidson exclaimed, and started laughing.
“I don’t know what’s so funny about any of this,” The Chair huffed.
“Oh lighten up, Emily,” Davidson said. “The Poe Society will send you another raven statue, especially if you tell them it was destroyed by a black cat eh?”
Emily? I thought. Well I’ve never heard anyone call her that before.
The Chair, um, Emily, deflated a little and said “Oh I suppose you’re right. I guess there’s really nobody to blame. Thank you for solving the mystery, Vermyn. Your cryptology skills are truly amazing.”
“Well, that’s not cryptology. Cryptology is-”
“Whatever,” she cut me off. “I’ll make sure to call maintenance and have them fix that vent.” With that, she disappeared back into her office and shut the door, leaving Davidson and I alone.
“So... Emily?” I asked, with a question on my face.
Davidson was nonplussed. “What of it?”
“Oh nothing. Just interesting is all.”
“Are you surprised?” He asked.
“Nevermore, my dear Davidson,” I said. “Nevermore.”