Welcome to my life with cancer and discovering Legos

I’m sick of resting. I’m the kind of person who must be doing something all the time and this new cancer diagnosis is really impeding on that. I had my bone biopsy last week and I felt like I had to apologize to everyone in the waiting room because I screamed so many curses that I’m sure I scared any new patients. Although, my oncologist told me to scream as loud and as crassly as I wanted because when she extracted the bone marrow, “It was going to hurt like a bitch!” It may have only lasted maybe 30 seconds, but damn that woman was right, it hurt like a bitch. My doctor was very impressed about the amount of expletives I strung together in such a short amount of time, but I’ve always been an overachiever so why stop now? I will admit, my hip is still a little tender now. The preliminary results came back good, but since it’s a rare cancer, it must be sent away to get full testing, so the waiting begins.  
All I hear from everyone is that I need to rest. I’m constantly badgered by friends, family, and children that I’m not resting enough. I know they mean well, but my brain wanders into dark depths when all I do is rest. I just picture the Mucinex cartoon character as cancer eating away at my body. How fucking sick it that. I find myself getting snippy with people, I don’t mean to, but it just happens. Then guilt and apologies and more resting. The cycle doesn’t seem to break and I haven’t even started treatment yet. Part of me doesn’t even want to think about what treatment will be like and the other part of me is, “Let’s fucking go! I’m going to kick cancer’s ass!” I even started my chemo playlist made to pump myself up for the fight.
My uncle sent me a care package with “special” gummies to help with symptoms. I tried one the other night, mind you I don’t even drink caffeine, so this was an experience. My husband came home from work to find me eating a bag of chocolate chips I found in the pantry while watching a Korean drama on Netflix. I couldn’t even tell you what it was about, I couldn’t even follow the subtitles in my state. I didn’t think about cancer that night. Although I did buy $500 worth of Legos, I think my phone will be taken away next time. I will say I have now put together a Baby Yoda, The Pyramids of Giza, The Office Set, and the Mandorlian helmet. My living room is now becoming a display of my new Lego collection. I guess I signed up for a rewards program and I just got an email that the medieval town square is coming back out. I’ll be texting my husband later about that one. I put the rest of the care package up for when I really need it. I don’t think boredom is going to be my worst symptom.
It seems since I got diagnosed, everywhere I look I see cancer on TV, in magazines, and on social media. The people are always smiling and talking about fighting and not letting it get in the way of their way of life. Honestly, it pisses me off. I would like to see one person say, “This really sucks. I’m scared. Treatment is hell and I feel like my life is on hold.” I can’t be the only one that thinks like that. Sure, I still smile and laugh, but come on, it can’t be all rainbows and unicorns. I want to see someone being real, not just smiling for a camera. I want to see someone I can relate with.
I apologize to anyone who actually reads this. I just need to ramble to someone and I’ve already put enough on my family. I guess it’s time to get back to resting. Maybe I’ll rewatch the Korean drama and actually follow it this time. Most likely I’ll recreate scenes from The Office with my Lego set and send the videos to my family members. It’s better than me telling them, “The next person who tells me I need rest is going to get punched.” I promise I’m not a bitch, I’m just one of the newest members of a club I never wanted to be part of.