Façade

I look in the vanity mirror at my face. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath in and let it out before opening them again. A wall of masks is in front of me. They're all on my face but with different expressions. Happy. Sad. Angry. Confused. Afraid. It’s time to choose a face.

I'm tired. I'm drained. I’m numb. But I haven't seen Tiffany since high school, and I promised we'd get together and catch up. Part of me wishes I pretended to not have seen her at the grocery store. Tonight came up faster than I thought. It’s okay, I can put on the right face. I don't want to stay in bed all day. I want to go out and have fun. I can do this.

Closing my eyes and returning back to the vanity in my room. Having chosen a face to put on I smile at my reflection and start applying my makeup. I put on a nice outfit and head out.

We met over dinner. She has a husband now, kids, a house, and a nice career. I can feel her achievements weighing down on me, but I smile and keep the small talk going.

Inside my head, I can hear the thoughts I keep to myself. The things I keep behind the mask.

Look at how successful she is.

I know.

You've accomplished nothing.

I know that's not true.

She has more than you'll ever have.

That's okay.

You're miserable.

I'm happy.

You'll never be like her.

I’m okay with that.

You want to leave and crawl into your bed.

I'm having a good time.

She only pities you; she'll never be your real friend.

I know she’s not like that.

All the while I smile and laugh at her jokes and funny stories. She tells me about her kids and her husband. I tell her about my sister and my cat. I tell her how I broke up with a guy after three months of dating, she tells me she has a friend she could introduce me to. We both laugh.

Finally, it’s over. I can go- Tiffany had a great time. She wants to invite me out again. This time to a bar to meet up with some more friends from high school. Friends she’s kept in contact with or has been meaning to reconnect with again. I only know a couple of the names out of the ones she lists off.

My face smiles widely and my lips say, "Sure, this Friday, see you then."

When I get home I dress down and take a shower. I sit in front of my vanity before I go to bed. I take a long look at my reflection; I close my eyes once more today. Looking at the wall of faces, I place my smiling mask back where it belongs. Their eyeless expressions stare down at me.

Hahahaha.

Waahh ahh ahh  . . .

Rrrr!

Huh?

Aaahhhhh!

I cover my ears against their noises. The sounds of their expressions all filled my ears at once. The laughter, the crying, the rage, the confusion, the fear. All of it is too much. Too many emotions to handle. I close my eyes to shut it out and they all stop. Releasing my ears I look back up; I just see my reflection. Tired. Drained. Numb. I go to bed, taking paroxetine before settling in.

I’m excited about Friday.