Just One Day

It was just one day, twenty-four hours, nothing more, nothing less, no time at all. Sitting on the edge of the bed I thought about what this truly meant to me, what was entailed in this. My thoughts started to rush through my mind, all of the jobs that would need to be completed in this window of time. A flash of panic swept through me. Twenty-four hours would never be enough if I just sit here. A squawking sound roused me from my thoughts, I reached over and picked up the phone and tapped the screen to turn off the alarm. The screen changed from the alarm to a countdown.

23:50:33

Seeing the number being less than 24 hours brought me even further into the moment. Glancing at the mirror I saw myself looking a mess, but then I had just woken up. Reaching over to the bedside cabinet I got the hairbrush and ran it through my mousey brown hair, wincing as it pulled through some knots, I was still getting used to the new colour and length and was surprised to see the look when I had seen my reflection in a shop window the day before. It was harder to get used to wearing the glasses instead of the contact lenses, seeing the ridge of them as I look around, but needs must, anything that could give me that extra couple of minutes in case someone sees me.

I stood up and winced as my knee made a strange clicking noise when I straightened my legs. The memory sent a shiver down my spine and reminded me, not that I needed it, of why I was doing this. Walking to the cupboard I opened the door, there was all of my clothes, everything that I could say was mine and mine alone. Pushing them to one side I reached in and picked up the suitcase.

Looking at my watch I knew I had to get a move on, the binmen would be here soon, they were always early to this street, and I needed to make sure that the suitcase was in the bin before they arrived to empty it. Grabbing clothes off the rail I started to stuff them into the bin, this was a case of getting as much as I can into the suitcase before it went into the bin.

Looking at the contents of the case I was pleased with what I had managed to get into it, there was enough clothes left for the fire. Into the bathroom now and opening the cabinets I picked up all that was mine, chucked it all into the suitcase. Still enough space for a selection of books, leaving just enough to act as kindling and one on the bedside cabinet. I dragged the suitcase down the stairs, it was as heavier than I expected it to be.

 Opening the front door, peering out, a slow and careful look left and right, no one was about, I know the activities of my neighbours and it would be rare for anyone to be around, but you never know. No one was around, I walked quickly to the bin and hoisted up the suitcase and placed it on the edge of the bin. Holding the case in place with one hand I used her other hand to lift the lid and let the case drop into the wheelie bin. Controlling it as it descended into the bin so as not to make too much noise, I let it settle on the one bin bag that was in the bin, I’ve always been proud of how little rubbish was in the bin every fortnight. With the bin lid closed I quickly moved the bin to check it was not too heavy, a flicker of a smile crossing my face, it wasn’t. 

A noise, a quick glance to my right and a sigh of relief, it was the bin men on their rounds, better get back inside before they see me and that jobsworth, Mr Ashton, comes out and watches them doing their job ready to move his bin back to its usual residing point. Oh, to be retired and have nothing to do all day long. Maybe my life will be that simple in good time, but for now I cannot think about the future. Pushing the front door closed I used the fisheye to peer outside, could not see anything out of place, resisting the chance to watch the bin men emptying the bin I turned away and walked back up the stairs to the bedroom.

A quick look at the phone, not to look at anything on it, just to see what the timer was saying.

22:57:12

Watching the seconds counter countdown from twelve to five before the screen faded to black, I considered the next step. The deep clean, but not quite yet.  

Holding THAT belt in between my left arm and my chest I threaded the tapered end through the buckle and pulled it tight, winced as a piece of skin got pulled through the buckle pinching the skin.  Releasing the pressure to release the skin from its grasp I took more care this time to ensure that did not happen again. 

Clenching my left fist, I watched as blue veins started to stand out on the back of my hand, that was the easy part. Leaning forward I took the belt between my teeth and gripped it hard to hold it tight, turning my gaze from the belt I looked at the needle that was laid out on the bed next to me. Deep breath.

‘I can do this.’ Speaking out loud I heard my voice and heard the tone of doubt. ‘I have to do this. Come on Vic time to be strong.’ 

Reaching with my right hand I picked up the needle, felt the smooth plastic between my fingers, tried to not look at the metal as I brought it towards the back of my left hand, I could feel my heart beating, its tempo increasing, it felt like it was deafening me. 

Taking in a steady breath through my nose I tried to settle my heart rate. Placing the point of the needle against one of the blue veins I pushed the point into the skin, the pain caused me to wince, I could feel the end of the needle under my skin, the discomfort was strange and reminded me of a time I had given blood and the nurse had got the angle wrong, it had only taken her a moment to correct the position but it was a feeling that I had not forgotten. I fought the urge to vomit, not that there would have been much to bring up having not eaten since yesterday afternoon. 

Releasing the belt pressure, just a touch, I pulled the plunger back and watched as the vial started to fill with the dark red crimson liquid, once the vial was full, I carefully withdrew the needle and watched as a red spot appeared on the back of my hand, I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief but knew that I needed another two vials full, just to make sure.

Repeating the process, this time faster than before I watched as the second vial filled with the blood. As I removed the needle another wave of nausea came over me, but I fought the feeling. With the needle out of the way I grabbed the third needle and repeated the process again, it felt easier this time. Third vial full and placed on the tray next to me I picked up a plaster, peeled the backing off and placed it over the hole that was in the back of my hand. I tried to look away from the back of my hand, but a morbid fascination drew my eyes to the plaster, I watched as the brown sticker developed a red spot which grew in size steadily.

Seeing the red spot increase in size brought another wave of nausea on, steeling myself I was determined not to be sick, instead I forced myself to look away and to get on with the next job. Standing up I saw my reflection in the mirror, all the colour had drained from my face, I looked pale and mottled, I could not help myself, I looked at the back of my hand again. This time I looked at it in the reflection in the mirror. Just as I focused on the plaster a drop of blood appeared from the bottom of the spot, I watched as it started to roll down the back of my hand. I noticed that I could not focus on my hand and wondered why it was going dark at this time of day.

‘GET UP OFF THE FLOOR YOU WRECK.’

‘LOOK AT YOU, YOU’RE PATHETIC.’

‘LIKE ANYONE ELSE IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A SECOND LOOK.’

The shouting made me jump, panicked I looked around the room and saw that there was no one else there with me, then the memory came back. I had been taking blood out of the back of my hand, but I could not work out how I had ended up on the floor. Remembering the blood on the back of my hand I willed myself to look at the plaster, I knew what it would look like. I knew there would be a lot of blood there, the memory of seeing the blood start to trickle down my hand was fresh in my mind.

Twisting my body round I moved to a sitting position, before looking at my hand I tried to visualise the hand being covered in blood, and blood still coming out of the place where I had punctured the skin. Tried to imagine it at its worst, then if it was that bad, I would be prepared, and anything less would be a godsend. 

Slowly inhaling through my nose, I looked at the back of the hand, relief swept over me, while it did not look good it was nowhere near as bad as it could have been. Peeling the plaster back slightly I looked at the puncture wound and was relieved to see that blood was no longer coming out of the hole and a scab had started to form. It looked a mess though and I would need to clean that up.

Moving to stand up I remembered the shouting that had woken me from my slumber, it had been clear, someone else had been in the room, where had they gone, they must be somewhere in the house. I would need to search the house to find them, looking at the bed I saw the three needles, both still full of blood, my blood, unless the person in the house had swapped them. But how would they be able to do that? Surely, they would just take them, maybe they did not notice them.

I felt a wave of panic start to rise in me, I needed to be sure that the house was empty, I had not heard the front door close since coming round so felt confident that the person had not left the house. Moving toward the door that led onto the landing I slowly leant out to see if someone was there. Leaning out, the landing came further and further into view, it was only a small landing, two other doors led off the area, the bathroom and the second bedroom, which had never been used since moving in.

The bathroom door was wide open and I could see part of the way in but would have to step fully into the room to see if anyone was in there, steeling myself I took the two steps from the bedroom into the bathroom, the door was hiding part of the bathroom but I could see in the mirror that no one was there, the shower curtain that hung down into the bath was fully pulled back. No one was in there. Quickly turning round just in case someone was about to run at me from the stairs I moved out of the bathroom and sidestepped to the second bedroom. With my back to the closed door, I put my hand on the handle and prepared to open it.

Memories came back of the first day that I had looked round this house, it had been sold to me as a perfect first home, two bedrooms, one for us and one ready for when we started a family. It had never happened, it had never been the right time, something always got in the way, something more important.  

‘There is plenty of time for that.’

Seven words that had been used as an excuse from the first day that we had moved in.

Thinking of how the door opened and what would be in the room when I went in, I knew that there was just a couple of boxes, nothing else, still the same magnolia paint on the wall from the day we moved in. There was, however, an airing cupboard in the room, it was full of towels, spare bedding, and other bathroom stuff, not really room for anyone to hide but I would need to be sure.  Pushing down on the handle I threw the door open and spun myself into the room, there was no one there, I quickly stepped over to the airing cupboard and grabbed the handle and wrenched it open and saw the pile of towels and bedding. 

Closing the airing cupboard door, I leant forward and placed my head on the door, my breath rasping in the silence of the house. I still needed to check downstairs but was starting to feel that I was truly alone, not an unusual feeling in this house. The sound of a creaking floorboard jolted me, and I looked towards the doorway. Just the house settling? I would have heard someone coming up the stairs and the floor downstairs is concrete. I know that from falling on the downstairs floor more than once. It was always horrible to fall down but at least the floorboards upstairs gave a little.

Bracing myself before heading downstairs, if for no other reason than to alleviate my own fears, but once I knew that it was clear downstairs then I could focus on what still needed to be done. Standing on the landing I looked down the stairs, I could see the front door and part of the hallway, if you could call that small space a hallway. Starting to move my left leg it was in the void of the top stair, then something stopped me, a memory.  I remembered reading in a book about a vigilante going into a house to defeat the bad guys, a comment about stepping on the side of the step, that way there was less chance of hitting a creaky step and I knew there was three or four steps that creaked if you stood on the wrong part.

Slowly, step by step, I made my way down the stairs, about a third of the way down I was able turn and look over my right shoulder to get a good view of the room. The two-seater settee and one of the single chairs were visible, no one was sat in them, well no one was sat on the settee, the two single chair had its back to the doorway and looked out into the garden, the garden that had more ground space than the whole house, it never made sense to me, but it was a lovely place in the summer, I would miss the garden.

Turning back to the stairs I moved as quietly as possible down the last three steps and turned one hundred and eighty degrees to face the living room, the kitchen door to my right was closed, it was always closed, I hated the tiny kitchen, hardly enough room for one person let alone two. I decided to check the living room first and then the kitchen.  Deciding that speed was the answer I took the three steps from the bottom of the stairs to the living room at pace. No one was sat at the tiny dining table to my right, and no one was sat at the little office space that was on the left under the stairs. Moving to the area where the soft seats were and putting my right hand on one of the chairs I moved forward and breathed a sigh of relief. No one in the living room.

That left the kitchen, feeling confident that no one was there I moved towards the kitchen grabbed the handle and swung the door inwards, a scuffling noise froze me to the spot. Not knowing what to do I stayed in place, daring not to move. The next sound made forced out a quiet whimper, a sound that was full of fear, it was not coming from the kitchen but from the front door. I wanted to move but I couldn’t, fear had gripped me and was holding me still. I willed my feet to move, pleaded with them to do something.

Then the sound of something hitting the floor snapped me out of my frozen state.  Spinning towards the front door I could see a shape through the frosted glass, I could make out a red and yellow colour, the shape was moving away from the door, looking down I saw the post on the floor, and there was a flyer hanging out of the letter box. My breathing started to calm, taking the short steps towards the front door I bent down and put my hand out to pick up the post, stopping centimetres from the items, I needed to leave it exactly where it was, nothing must be moved and certainly nothing new in the house should have my fingerprints on them. I needed to be upstairs and doing what needed to be done. Taking two steps at a time I ran up the stairs and went back into the bedroom. On the bed was the three vials with my blood in them, with all that had been going on I had forgotten about the wound on the back of my hand, there could not be any drops of blood visible in the house, it had to be clean of any red blood stains before anyone else came into the house. I looked at the back of my hand, the dried blood giving the indication that there would be blood spots around the house, in theory not a bad thing, but it was another thing that needed sorting. Picking up the phone from where I had left it on the bedside cabinet, I needed to look at the timer.

20:13:38

I could not believe how much time had passed. How long had I been out for when I fainted? Shaking the thought from my mind I realised that it did not matter, there was nothing that could be done now, just meant that I would have to work faster. I had it all planned out, it could work, it had to.

I picked up the first vial and carefully removed the needle, then tipped my blood onto the floor between the bed and the wardrobes, watching it as it soaked into the carpet, the shape changing as the fibres in the carpet passed the blood along. The first vial was empty, and I cursed myself, I had meant to move the blood along towards the door, nothing I could do now. Instead, I grabbed the second vial, pulled out the needle tipped it up and let the blood come out, I moved towards the bedroom door. I would need to make sure that the blood in the last vial gave me enough for what was needed. Pulling out the needle I placed my thumb over the end and started to let the blood drip onto the floor, I moved towards the bathroom, making sure that the blood path made it up to the sink. Now began the wait, I needed to leave it for as long as possible before starting to clear it up, I looked at the vial in my hand, there was no blood left, I still needed some to put some drops into my wardrobe, just enough for someone so self-absorbed to not see it but for someone looking for something out of the ordinary to notice it, this was a problem.  I knew the solution but did not want to do it.

Opening the wardrobe door, I looked inside and decided on the best place to put the drops of blood.  I lifted the plaster from the back of my hand and steeled myself, no time for fainting now, need to stay focussed and complete this part of the job. I used my nail to left the scab that was forming and watched as the crimson red of the fresh blood started to come out of the hole in the back of my hand. Getting onto my knees I turned my hand over and positioned myself so that I could see the blood turning into a droplet, watched as the droplet got bigger and then saw the point when gravity took over and the blood left the back of my hand and fell onto the floor, inside the wardrobe, it landed on the floor, probably out of sight from anyone just glancing inside but someone doing a full search of the room would find it.  I squeezed my arm to force more blood out and managed to get three more droplets out. In the bathroom I washed my hands carefully, getting as much of the blood off my hand before pushing down on the soap dispenser, meticulously getting the soap in between my fingers to make sure that there was no blood left on my hands.

Shaking the water off I patted my hand dry on my jeans, I didn’t want to use a towel for fear of leaving something on it that could cast doubt on the outcome that I wanted. Walking out of the bathroom I started to look for any blood spots that might be seen when there were not meant to be seen. It would take a while, I had been through the whole house, spotting some on the hallway carpet I realised that there was not have anything to clear up the stains. Walking downstairs and going into the kitchen there would be something under the kitchen sink where all the cleaning items were kept, but there were not any wet wipes, I hated them but knew that they would make the job quick and easy.

There were some in the car, but I did not want to go outside, I could not have someone seeing me, that was imperative to this whole plan. But I needed to clear up the blood spots as quickly as possible. Thinking about where the car was parked and how I could get to the car without being seen, walking out of the kitchen I looked towards the living room, the patio door looked out into the garden,  the garden gate led to the driveway at the side of the house, I could get out to the car through the garden, the only buildings that could see the driveway was the two houses directly opposite, and at this time of day they would be at work.

Quickly moving towards the patio door, I turned the key and lifted the handle and slid the door sideways to open, I saw the blue sticker that was on the pane of glass from when it had been replaced less than a week ago, the memory of falling through the window came back and the distress caused me to freeze in place. The shouting, the abuse, the threat followed by the action that ended with me hitting the patio door headfirst, the glass broke, looking back I thought that glass had broken too easily until I remembered the time when a thrown plate had hit the window in the bottom corner of the pane, the glass had cracked slightly, no doubt this had weakened the glass.

The sound of a child and parent walking past the house woke me from the memory, sliding the door fully open I walked out into the garden, onto the patio I walked to the left and onto the path that led to the back gate. The gate was locked with a combination padlock, moving the dial to the correct code I removed the padlock, placing it onto the floor. Pulling the bolt to the right I could then lift the catch to open the gate, but over the years the gate had dropped slightly on its hinges and the bolt made a noise as it was moved. I remembered to lift the gate slightly and this meant the bolt would slide with no sound of metal on metal.

Ducking down, I opened the gate and then moved towards the car, reaching the car door I realised that I had not brought the keys with me, I very nearly swore, loudly. Moving back the way I had come, once I was out of sight I pushed the gate too, not closing it, inside the garden I ran along the path, over the patio and into the house. The keys would be in a bowl in the kitchen. Less than a minute later I was back at the car, holding my finger over the button on the key fob to unlock the car door I waited a moment, breath held, just wanting to make sure that no one was around, I could hear the constant drone of the cars going down the main road which went past the estate, I could not hear anything else, pressing the button I cringed as the beep and the sound of the car door unlocking along with the sound of the indicators clicking on and off. Opening the driver’s door, the pack of wet wipes were in the side pocket, grabbing them I carefully closed the door, making as little noise as possible. Retreating back to the gate and once inside the garden I stood up and closed, bolted, and locked the gate, making sure to lift it to enable the bolt to slip back into the staple quietly.

Back in the house with the patio door still open I checked over my feet, a few stones had stuck to my socks, I wiped them away onto the patio. Closing the patio door, I let out a sigh of relief as I turned the key to put the lock back in place. Was not sure how I had managed to get out to the car, twice, and get the wet wipes then get back inside the house without being seen. While cleaning the blood spots was not part of the plan, the fact that I had done that part without being seen felt like a good omen.

As I was already in the living room I got down onto my hands and knees and started to look for blood spots, it was easy on the hardwood floor, the ruby red blood spots stood out clearly against the flooring. The wet wipes made quick work of the spots and once I was happy that the floor was clear I checked over the armchair that had been touched, amazingly there was nothing on the armchair. Repeating the process, I cleaned up the spots in the hallway and kitchen, there was a mark on the door frame as well. Up the stairs I scrubbed at the carpet and noticed how the area looked cleaner than the rest of the carpet, standing up straight I looked at the carpet, it was not obviously visible in daylight and under the landing lights it would show even less.

With all the blood cleared from the second bedroom I moved towards the bedroom and looked at the large stain on the floor, it would take some cleaning, but I knew what I was going to do having researched how to clean up blood stains on the laptop the day before when I had not been alone in the house. It had been an intentional search while I had deleted the search history, I had not deleted the cookies, not that it would matter, a proper search of the laptop would show what had been looked at no matter how well deleted it had been.

Stepping around the blood stain I picked up my phone, the countdown timer was not the only thing on the front screen.

19:18:27

There was a missed call and two messages. I nearly dropped the phone and stumbled backwards, stopping myself before stepping on the blood stain. I swiped at the screen to get more details, the missed call was from an unknown number, this was not what I was expecting, the two messages were telling me that I had a missed call and a voicemail message. I wanted to listen to the messages but knew that I couldn’t, I could do nothing on this phone other than to have the timer.

19:15:45

It seemed like a long time but I knew that I still had to get to the destination before the timer ended and I knew that on foot this could take me a long time, but it was the only way that I could travel, there were lots of cameras on the road ready to make a record of the number plate, it was useful to know where all the CCTV cameras were and to know the route I would have to take once I left this house for the last time.

Kneeling down I pressed my hand against the carpet where the blood stain was, it was drying around the edge but was not quite ready to be cleaned. Standing up I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I appraised what I was wearing, the blue jeans were comfortable, and the white t-shirt would do for the next couple of days. Downstairs were the thick socks next to the walking boots, along with the old hoodie that had not been worn for years. I smiled at the memory of the concert that I had been to and having paid over the odds for the hoodie, I had not taken it off for days afterwards and then after a year it got bundled up and put in the loft with a load of other clothes. It was the perfect top to wear, no one I knew now would recognise the top as it had not been worn in nearly fifteen years. Running my fingers through my hair, I wondered how long it would take to get used to the new length, or if I would at all before my look changed again. I let out a sigh and considered the next move.

Moving towards the wardrobe, I opened the door, noticing the blood drop that was not going to be cleaned from the edge of the door, a thought invaded my mind. What if it was seen by the person that I did not want to see it?  What if it was not seen by the people that she wanted to see it? 

I stood still, looking at the blood spot, I had noticed it really easily, what if that person noticed it just as easily? 

‘But you know it is there. You were probably looking out for it.’ Speaking the words out loud I broke the silence in the house and used the words to try and reassure myself. There was nothing I could do about it now, would just have to leave it and hope for the right outcome. At the end of the day, I was getting away from this house, and that was more important than anything else.

Looking at the small amount of clothes that were hanging in the wardrobe I picked up the rucksack off the floor and opened it up, hooking it over the handle of the wardrobe next to this one. I took the clothes off the hangers one by one, rolled them up and placed them into the rucksack, I was reasonably sure that there was enough room in the bag for what I wanted to take. By rolling them up they would take up less space and would also be less likely to get creased when they were in the bag. 

With the seven items of clothing packed I moved the rucksack to the bed and opened the second drawer of the bedside cabinet taking out the underwear and placed them into the bag. Removing the bottom drawer from the bedside cabinet I reached into the space below the drawer and took out the wash bag that had been in there for nearly three weeks, ever since I had started to work on the plan that was now playing out. Putting the draw back into place I steeled myself to look inside the top drawer. The book that I had been reading for the last couple of days was in there along with some pictures, I picked them up and resisted the urge to look at the scan, instead I placed it into the bag inside the book. I could not, however, stop myself from looking at the picture of my mother and father. 

I missed my father so much.  it had been three years since the accident that had killed him. I remembered our talks which had been such an important part of growing up, learning how to play cricket in the back garden, how to catch a hard cricket ball without it bruising the hand. Then into the teenage years and talking about relationships and then past the teens and the talks moved onto politics, the environment, sport, the state of the local amenities, anything at all, although we hardly ever talked about the weather. My mother had not been the same since becoming a widow but in the last six months she had started to show that she was getting used to her new life. She had joined a couple of local groups and was enjoying the new friendships that were being made. I was worried about what the impact of me vanishing would have on my mother and was unsure how to make sure that she was safe. There was no doubt in my mind that mum would receive no support at all from one specific person, not that they would be able to in the long run if the plan worked as it should do. Maybe at some point I could get a message to my mother.

With all the clothes, the wash bag, book, and pictures in the rucksack I closed it up and tested its weight. It felt okay as I lifted it up, swinging it behind me, I slipped my arms through the straps and positioned it onto my back, it felt comfortable and not too heavy, which saddened me that my life, for now, was in one rucksack. Never mind, once I had myself set up in my new life, I could start to rebuild my belongings, but at the same time this just showed me that I did not need a mountain of possessions, a happy life is not about possessions.

17:43:17

With the rucksack placed out of sight under the stairs I was back on all floors in the bedroom checking the blood stain, it was not as dry as I wanted it to be, but it would have to do, it was time to clean the stain.  The carpet in the bedroom had been washed only two weeks previously, so I was not concerned about the cleaned area standing out against the rest of the carpet.

Using the small amount of carpet shampoo that had been kept to one side I scrubbed at the stain, slowly the stain lifted from the carpet. Standing up I looked at the area from all angles, I could not see anything, I knew that as the carpet dried completely it was possible that the stain in the underlay may stand out but there was nothing that could be done about that now. I walked over to the window and pulled the curtains across plunging the room into darkness, the extra money that was paid for the blackout curtains really did work. Knowing the room so well I moved around the bed in the dark and reached up and turned on the light. Again, looking at the area of the carpet that had just been cleaned, initially standing up and then on all fours, there was still an area that she could see with the artificial light on it. Grabbing a couple of wet wipes I scrubbed at the area, the effort caused the wet wipes to fall apart, a few remains of a wet wipe may not be a bad thing. After grabbing a third wet wipe and giving another scrub I stood up and was happy with what I saw. There was still one thing that I needed to be sure of. I walked towards the corner of the room and carefully pulled the carpet out from under the skirting board, then gradually lifted the carpet, taking care not to rip the carpet on the runners. With the corner lifted out of the way I moved some of the underlay, what I saw made me smile. The blood had seeped through and had stained the floorboards, just as I had hoped it would.

17:08:35

After checking the time left, I put the carpet back into place and went downstairs and picked up the hoover, it was not good for the hoover to use it on a wet carpet, but this did not concern me. At the end of the day, I would not be the one forking out money to replace it, a wry smile spread across my face at this thought.

Back in the bedroom I hoovered the floor knowing that this would help dry the area, not fully but it should be enough by the time that anyone else would be walking over the area.  This stage of the plan was done, I would soon be ready to leave the house for the last time. 

Walking out of the bedroom, I turned around and looked back at the room, I took in the bed, an area that had once upon a time been a place of tender loving, I struggled to remember those times, I could only remember the times that I had been insulted and accused of being a crap lover, told off for never taking the initiative. But then why would I want to take the initiative when one of the people would only ever talk about being in the mood when they had had a glass or three. At the same time did I really want to have sex with someone that tasted like an ashtray, I had given up smoking years ago, why couldn’t they have done the same? Not that it would have changed the person that they were, it would have just been another reason for their bad temper, nicotine withdrawal.

Stopping at the top of the stairs I turned back on myself, ran into the bedroom, I grabbed the phone, I needed to know how much time I had.

16:57:21

I stopped the timer and set it again, this time on my watch, I had not thought that this cheap watch would have had a countdown setting on it, that was a little win, that could very easily become a big win. Making a couple of changes to the setting on the phone I made sure that it would not go into sleep mode I put the phone underneath the bottom drawer on the bedside cabinet, felt like a weird thing to do but anything that looked like a suspicious thing to do was fine by me.

Lifting up the hoover I carried it downstairs and put it back from where it had come from less than thirty minutes earlier. Moving to the living room I looked at the space and remembered the excitement of those early months, that excitement had not lasted long and had soon been replaced by fear. The fear as I got home, not aware what mood I would face, the relief of not seeing an open bottle of wine on the side, the dread if I could hear loud music playing even before the front door was opened, it felt like a lottery day after day. Never aware of what I would have to face every day and never winning the jackpot. A memory flashed back into my mind.  I knew it was a mixed memory, but it was because there had been so many times when this happened. Receiving a text message and then replying despite being in work and not having the time to keep replying but knowing that if I didn’t the wrath would be hideous, at the same time having to read the message I was about to send over and over again before sending it to make sure it could not be misconstrued, what kind of life had I let myself fall into, I had not realised it had got so bad, so controlled. I feared that the freedom that was so close could still be stolen from me.

Quickly looking around the room I looked for anything that I wanted to take with me, but all the pictures were of two people together and I did not want that in my new life. Walking over to the patio doors I looked at the garden, I would have a garden again and I would tend to it exactly as I wanted to, not to be told how things would look, not anymore.

Taking in a deep breath I turned my back on the patio door and moved towards the front door, it was nearly time, I knew the route that I had to take, I knew the bus I had to catch and I knew the destination, I knew that there would only be a couple of CCTV cameras on the route to the bus stop so would lift the hood on my jacket to cover my face, I was wearing clothes that had not been worn for years, nothing that would mean I would easily be recognised. The bus trip could be an issue, there was always lots of cameras in them so would have to be careful that I keep as much of my face covered as possible.

16:19:02

Now the part of the plan that I was not sure about. Back upstairs I grabbed the last few bits of clothes that were in the wardrobe and the underwear from the bedside cabinet and took them downstairs. Unlocking the patio doors, I opened it and went into the garden, slipping on a pair of sliders I walked to the bottom of the garden. 

Putting the clothes into a pile I walked back to the house and picked up the lighter that was always by the back door, the emergency lighter as it was called. Back at the pile of clothes I picked up a sock and flicked the lighter, it took a couple of attempts before the flame appeared. Holding the sock above the flame I patiently waited for the sock to catch light, once it was smouldering and had a small flame, I placed it on the floor and piled the clothes on top, leaving just enough space for the air to get to the flame, I did not want it catching too quickly, didn’t need a fire engine turning up before I was well away, just wanted it to smoulder and slowly burn away. Hoping that the fire did what it needed to do and did not get anyone else’s attention before it burnt out, there was nothing around it to catch light. Just had to hope that a neighbour did not see the smoke and call it in.

16:01:59

Time to go. Picking up the bag I took a look inside to check that everything was in there. I could not write anything down for fear of it being found so kept the list in my head, seeing everything in the bag I knew that it was all as it should be, I resisted the urge to smile, not in the clear yet. Tying the bag up a nagging thought came to me that there was something that should be in there. I tried to visualise the list in my head, I was pretty sure it was all there and put the thought down to my mind putting doubts in there, tried to ignore it, I was doing the right thing. Yes, it would cause pain to my mother who I was leaving behind, but it had to be done, I genuinely feared that I would die one of these days.

Putting on my gloves I reached for the front door handle and turned it slowly, steeling myself for this next step of the journey, the journey that would take me to my new life. Pulling the door open I glanced outside and saw no one in the area, taking a cautious step forward I looked to the right, down the street and then looked to the left, no one there, I started to pull the front door closed, watching as the lock started to fall into place. Then I froze in place. The money.

Pushing the door back open my heart beating so hard. I would have not got anywhere without the money that I had been putting aside. Without that I would have been done for. A bus journey, but no money for a bed for the first few nights. Leaving the front door open I dropped my bag by the front door and charged upstairs, I did not need to run but being so close to getting out of the house I did not want to wait a second longer than I had to. 

In the bedroom I made her way over to the chest of drawers and pulled out the bottom drawer, lifting it slightly it came off the runners and I pulled it all the way out and then placed it to one side. I did not look at all the different items in the drawer. The waste of money purchases from one fad or another, even items that were supposed to help with the mood swings, none of them used for more than a couple of weeks before the excuses flowed as to why they would not be used anymore.

Reaching into the space left behind I grabbed the envelopes that were inside, all marked with different words. I took them downstairs and put them all into the main body of the bag except one, this was marked up with the word bus, I opened it and took out the coins, putting the empty envelope into the bag I put the cash from it into the pocket in my jeans.

A quick glance at the watch.

15:48:31

Two hours and twenty-three minutes to do the six mile walk to the bus stop, the walk could have been shorter, but my knowledge of the CCTV camera locations meant that I would have to take a route that was further.

Back at the front door again I looked outside to see if anyone was around, I jumped back inside, Toby Holt from number eighteen was walking past with the family dog, that dog loved me and would not leave me alone if it saw me. Pushing the door too I watched through the gap and saw the dog turn to look at the house. I could hear Toby telling the dog to come along and after a couple of seconds the Pomeranian obeyed and turned away. I moved from the front door and looked out of the little window by the door and watched until I could not see them anymore.

Counting to one hundred I waited until till I knew that Toby would be well away. Pulling the door open I looked outside again, it was unlikely that anyone would be around at this time of day, but you could never account for delivery vans or just someone having a day off, I knew there was a chance that I could be seen. As long as I could get away from the house without being seen by anyone and then off the next few streets without being seen by a neighbour then I would be clear enough, hopefully.

With the coast was clear, I pulled the door too and heard the lock click into place, no going back now, I didn’t have the key to get back in, this had been an intentional decision in case I had second thoughts and turned back to the life I knew. I was now on my way. 

Moving at pace I kept my head down, hoodie pulled up, I knew that I had too far to go to keep this kind of pace up, but just wanted to be far enough away from home as quickly as possible. After keeping up the pace for nearly ten minutes I slowed up a bit, no more stomping, more a pacy walk. Putting three fingers from my left hand onto my right wrist I felt for a pulse, I always struggled to find my pulse, even with a first aid course I had struggled to find it. After a few seconds and moving my fingers around my wrist I found it, positioning my left arm in such a way so I could see the second timer on my watch make its continuous count to sixty. I watched as fifteen seconds went past and counted to twenty-seven in my head, a pulse rate of one hundred and eight. Not bad, I thought, now that I had slowed down, I knew that it would slow down further, quite pleased that I have a resting pulse rate around fifty. 

Walking down a side path I walked out into a street and froze in place. A car was parked less than fifty metres away that would normally be the second car on the drive back at the house I would have called home not that long ago. 

Why was the car parked here?  Why was it not parked at the car park where they worked? How was I going to get past without being seen? Doubting that my pulse was decreasing I realised that it was only the last question that truly mattered. If they were having an affair, then good luck to the person they were having the affair with.

Pulling the hoodie tighter over my head I put my head down and moved towards the car quickly, as I got to the car, I fought the urge to look up towards the house that it was parked out the front of. Past the car I let out a sigh of relief until I heard someone calling out. 

A call of goodbye from a voice that brought back hideous memories and nearly froze me to the spot. It was not in the tone that I was used to anymore. The sound of a door closing woke me out of the trance, I upped the pace again, keeping my head down, the alley that would take me away from this street was close by. Just need to get there, I heard the car door closing and the engine start up, hearing the sound of the engine changing I jumped as a car horn beeped breaking the relative early afternoon silence. I could not help myself and raised my head to looked towards the car, seeing the driver I quickly dropped my head back down and moved towards the alley. I did not know if I had been seen or not, but it did not matter. The only issue could be if they were going home sooner than they should be, then they might see the fire, I hoped that would not be the case and rather they were taking a late lunch. Nothing I can do about it now.

14:32:24

Well into the walk now, I was over half the way to my destination and was keeping a steady pace. The scare of being seen well behind me. I had made good progress and had just over an hour to do less than three miles, it was within reach, but I could not let up the pace.

Walking along a main road I knew that there were a number of cameras in this area, but I would soon be off the road and keeping my head down and hoodie up my face would not be seen. Every step felt like a liberation, a weight was being lifted from me as I made my way towards the bus stop, the vehicle that would take me to the depot in the city thirteen miles away, from there another bus ride, this one through the evening and night, a stop around ten in the evening for a change of driver and then onward again with another stop around three for the driver to have a rest before reaching the destination at seven.

The ticket for the overnight bus had already been purchased, a cash purchase four weeks ago, I would need to pay with cash to get the bus into the city, but I knew how much it would cost and would have the cash in my hand ready to make the payment. A brief comment of where I was going was all that would need to be said. 

The only problem with this plan and the thing that I could not avoid was the cameras that would be on both buses, I would just need to keep my hoodie up the whole journey, it was a cold day, it would not look odd, even if it did, I had seen plenty of people with hoods pulled up and covering their face. If I was spotted, then hopefully I would not be recognised.

For now, all I needed to worry about was getting to the bus stop, I was off the main road and was taking the turns through alleyways and down streets only used by people that knew the area. Turning yet another corner I saw, in the distance, someone walking towards me, dropping my head down further I moved to the right-hand side of the path, staying well to the side to give the person plenty of room. Upping the pace, desperate to get past this stranger, keeping my head down I hated the idea that I could not see where the person was, but I did not want to risk being seen.  So much work had gone into this plan the last thing I needed was to be spotted when the story broke in the press.

‘Where you going in such a hurry?’

It felt like my heart stopped, the person was right in front of me, lifting my head slightly I saw just one set of feet, the voice was deep, the words slightly slurred, a lack of focus to them.

‘Can I just get past please?’ I heard my voice, it sounded weak, fragile not the way that I wanted it to sound, but I was scared.

‘Just give me some money and you can be on your way.’ The man moved closer to me. Personal space was not on their agenda.  I could smell his breath, an aroma of alcohol, a smell that I knew only too well, I started to imagine this man at some kind of pro England rally, all the time claiming not to be a racist, my skin was crawling.

I thought about the money in my pocket, the change that I needed to get me to the city and then to the rolls of money in the bag, it was needed to help me get started again. If this person had any idea of how much money was in the bag, they would be ripping it off my back and with no concern to any harm that might befall me. There was only thing to do.

Moving my hand into my pocket I felt the coldness of the coins. ‘I don’t have much.’

‘Just give it to me.’

I pulled the money into my hand and then I noticed where my feet were placed in comparison to where the feet of my mugger were.

‘COME ON.’ 

The shouting made me jump. I had started to consider something else, a thought of not giving in to this drunken bully. 

No, not anymore, too many years have passed where I gave in to such behaviour for a peaceful life. Peaceful? That would have got a laugh from me if it wasn’t so far from the truth.

‘Hang on, I’m just getting what I have for you.’

Standing still I relaxed my right leg slightly feeling the knee drop a small amount, then tightened my upper leg muscles and in one swift move I lifted my leg up raising the knee rapidly and made contact with the groin of the want to be assailant. I knew I had made perfect contact and heard the rapid exhalation of air from the other person. The grumbled moan as his hands moved to the area of pain. Moving my arms back I pushed the man away from me with all my force. As he was doubled forwards holding onto his groin he staggered back slightly before losing any balance and fell onto his back. I considered the pros and cons of a swift kick to the man that was now lying on the floor before me, deciding that I wanted to get away from this situation quickly, so instead of kicking him I walked forwards and just so happened to stand on his head and then carried on my way. I could hear the man’s cries mixed with insults, it was tempting to go back but there was still a bus to catch, and I could not miss that.

The sounds from the poor excuse of a man were fading into the distance as I carried on my way, the adrenaline from the moment had put a spring in my step and I was moving much faster than I had been before. The couple of minutes wasted leaving a man writhing on the floor would not take long to recover at the speed I was going now, but I knew that once the adrenaline wave passed then the reality of what had just happened could leave me feeling exhausted. All I needed to do was to get to the bus stop, glancing at my watch I quickly calculated that I had about twenty minutes for the last three quarters of a mile. Should be easily done, just could not let up the pace.

13:39:27

There was a sense of fear in me now as I turned every corner, what if round the next corner was a group of people wanting me to give up my bag and empty my pockets out, there was no way that I would be able to see off more than one person, and right now I was not sure that I could even repeat had just been done. Aggression did not come easily to me, and I knew that when I stopped to consider the events with the drunk mugger, I would feel shocked. But now was not the time for looking back, there would be time for that on the next two bus journeys.

Four more corners to go, then the main road would be in sight and the bus stop just a few meters past the alleyway that I would be walking down. I fought the desire to relax and slow down for the last part of this walk. Three corners to go, I could hear the hum of the vehicles on the road, it got louder with every step. Waiting at the bus stop could be a risk, there was a chance that I could be spotted by someone in a passing car, keeping my head down, tilting it slightly to the right to watch the oncoming traffic so I could see the bus, then a step forward and put the hand up signalling to the driver, and watch as the bus indicates and slows for the stop. As soon as the bus is indicating I could drop my head and watch the floor, just wait for the sound of the bus. Hopefully not too many people would be getting off, the more people that I pass the more chance that I will be recognised.

Two corners left and there in front of me was one of the things I did not want to see on this walk. A group of youngsters stood in a rough circle chatting, I could not work out how many were there in the group, they were all talking, a hubbub of noise, I guessed they were in their teens, seemed to be a range of ages. They were completely blocking the path. None of them seemed to be on the outside and from what I could tell nothing untoward was taking place. Could it be that it was just a group of friends spending time with each other. There was nothing else in the area for them to do, no youth clubs where they could just go and be themselves, I was pretty sure that going to the park was not something that teenagers do anymore, especially since the skateboarding area was put in, not to say that this was not used just that it was not the kind of thing that these teenagers would be into.

I realised that my pace had slowed, the group were about sixty metres in front of me, they had not noticed me, but I would need to get some of them to move to get to where I had to be. Quickly considering her options I thought that I could double back on myself, there was another way onto the main road, it would be further away from the bus stop, but there was a CCTV camera there. There would be no avoiding it, another quick glance at the watch and a calculation of the distance, it could leave me having to run to the bus stop and that was the last thing I wanted to do, walking past a CCTV camera was one thing but someone running past them stood out to those people watching the images.

Knowing that the only option was to walk past the group I upped the pace again, at the last moment I would speak clearly asking them to move aside to let me past, I would try to speak with confidence, but it would be tricky as I was not going to look at any of them. The group was now less than ten metres away.

‘OI’.

I tried to not to freeze upon hearing the shout from in front of me. Instead, I kept my head down and acted as if there was no way the shout could be for me, just needed to get myself close enough to ask them to move.

‘OI’. 

The same call again, I started to look up.

‘OI. You lot. Move out of the way, they need to get past.’

It was a moment of perfection for me, although was not proud of myself for thinking the worst of a group of youngsters. I said a thank you to the group and heard a mixture of no worries and sorry being spoken by the people that were moving out of her way.

Just one corner to go, there will be nothing to stop me from getting to the bus stop now. With the corner turned I could see the main road, the cars, the lorries, and the vans driving along the road.  None of the drivers had any idea what I was doing, and this made me smile. It was the first time that I had smiled in a long time, it felt good.

Stopping just before the alley opened onto the main pavement, I looked at my watch, if the bus was on time, it would be here in less than ten minutes, I had timed it as well as I could hope. I decided to wait in the alleyway for a bit, less time on the main road meant that less people would see me. After five minutes of waiting, I started to consider moving to the bus stop. Suddenly a hand landed on my shoulder from behind me. 

No, I was so close, could almost smell the diesel of the bus, could almost feel that worn material on the seats, could almost feel the vibrations of the vehicle as it drove along the road, I could even imagine myself swaying with the movement of the bus. 

Then a voice spoke to me, ‘excuse me but did you just kick someone in the balls?’

I was confused, the voice sounded young, a female, ‘why?’

‘Cause he has just stumbled into our group shouting about it, asking if someone has just gone past.’

‘What did you say to him?’

‘Said no, he stumbled back the way he came, he was cursing whoever it was that kicked him.’

‘He tried to rob me.’

‘Bastard.’ I was taken aback by the amount of venom in the girls’ voice, she had sounded so soft up to that point. ‘Good on yer. That lot are gonna love it when they hear it was you and why you did it. Take it steady. Some of the lads might even go and chase him down, just to make sure that he gets the message. Can’t go round doin that kinda thing.’

And with that the hand was gone, I could hear the girls’ footsteps retreating back down the alleyway, I wanted to call after and tell her to not let anyone go after him, but that would bring more attention on me. After a few seconds I had to stop myself from laughing at the conversation that had just taken place. No time to relax. 

Another look at the watch, less than three minutes now, time to move to the bus stop.

13:28:53

There was one other person at the bus stop, they were leaning against the side of the structure, outside it, something that always confused me, why stand outside the structure, as if they are trying to be too cool for a bus stop, but you are still at a bus stop. Walking past them I walked under the cover and stood in place. Still looking to the right but keeping my head down as much as possible. Taking a quick glance up at the information screen I saw that the number forty-nine was, apparently, one minute away. I knew better than to put all my faith in such information but was happy at what that would mean if it was even close to the truth.

It was more than a minute but less than three before I got sight of the bus, sensing a movement to my left I looked over and saw the other person at the stop move towards the kerb, this would mean that I would not need to hail the bus, there was a camera looking out the front of the bus that would catch me doing this so it was one less thing to worry about.

Listening to the sound of the bus, I heard the brakes hiss and listened as the doors opened, I moved towards the door, close enough to see the heels of the other person at the bus stop, watched as they moved away from me towards the bus. Taking the step up onto the bus I kept my head down.

‘Single to depot please.’ Pulling the money out of my pocket I went to put the money into the tray.

‘That’ll be one pound and eighty pence. Can’t you pay on a card?’ The voice was deep and filled with contempt.

‘Not got a card, got the right money though.’

A huff was followed by the sound of the ticket being printed, I dropped the money into the pot, grabbed the ticket and walked towards the back of the bus. The bus was quite busy but there was a spare double seat. 

Slipping the rucksack off my back I placed on the seat next to the window and sat down on the aisle seat sliding myself closer to the window to keep the bag as close to me as possible. Turning towards the window I kept my head down and placed my right hand on top of the bag.  A memory came to me. 

Sitting in a car with my parents, going on holiday, holding onto a blue rabbit, it was a cuddly toy that only ever came out when I went on holiday, a rueful smile briefly crossed my face as I remembered the family joke about it. The smile was replaced by a sadness at the loss of the innocence of youth. I tried to remember when I had last seen the rabbit, I could not, just a memory of having it on holiday, going to sleep with it, and it still being there when I woke up in the morning. The drop of water landing onto the back of my hand surprised me, I put a hand to my face, there were tears running down my face. 

Rubbing the tears away I moved my thoughts away from my youth and onto the next stage, get off the bus and make my way to the departure area in the coach park, where I would get onto the overnight coach. Moving my hand along the rucksack I found the pocket on the front of the bag and opened the zipped-up pocket. Reaching inside I felt the paper of the envelope, I pulled it out and looked inside, there was the ticket, the next step to my new life.

Quickly looking outside the window to get an idea of where I was it felt good to see that the bus was less than ten minutes from the depot, the bus started to slow and I looked to the front of the bus, at the bus stop I could see a lot of people waiting to get on, no one looked to be getting off, I tried to work out how many people were getting on and how many seats there were on the bus. It was about to get a bit cramped on the bus, another glimpse at the watch.

13:15:48

Time was on my side at the moment, but this number of people getting on would only slow things down, I hoped that there would not be too many more stops, this close to town most people would be staying on till the depot as they would then be getting on another bus or taking the short walk to the train station. It all depended on how many more stops there were to pick up more passengers. 

Keeping my head down I managed to watch the front of the bus as it slowed and then stopped at the bus stop. A couple of people had got up and moved to the front of the bus ready to get off, I watched as they swayed forward and then backwards with the momentum of the vehicle.

Listening to the hiss of the brakes I waited to see how many people would be getting on, hoping that I would not need to move over to allow someone to sit down. The bus started to fill as people looked for a seat, a number of people had already walked past me and now people were slowing their walk along the bus and then taking a seat, looking towards the front of the bus I could tell that there were more people than seats available. Knowing that I had no option, I lifted up the rucksack and slid over to the window, putting the bag onto my lap I put one hand through one of the straps and sat the bag on my lap. My worldly belongings in one rucksack. I looked out of the window, watched the cars going past, the working day was over, and people were starting to make their way home, it explained the number of people getting on the bus, I cursed myself for not considering this.

‘Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit here?’ The voice was soft, a bit like the sound of a cat mewing.

‘That’s fine.’ I didn’t turn my head towards the man, just kept looking out the window, I felt the person sit down next to me.

‘Are you off somewhere nice then?’

I could not believe it.  The majority of people just want to sit on the bus and mind their own business, happy in their own little world, or unhappy, but they don’t want to talk. How come I get the person who wanted to talk. I thought about ignoring him, maybe he would get the hint, but then what if he didn’t and started to get funny with her. Deciding that the best move was to reply I thought keeping my responses short would be the best option, maybe that way he would get the hint.

‘Off to my parents.’

‘Nice, where do they live?’

Seriously does he really want to have a conversation with someone who pretty much has their back to him? I nearly replied with where my destination but changed it at the last second. ‘Bristol.’

‘Bristol?  That is going to be a bit of a trek for you.  I lived there for quite a while, which part do they live in?’

Of all the places I could have said I picked on a place where he had lived. I remembered a university that I had a look round, ‘Filton, they only moved in a couple of months ago.’ That should shake him off a bit.

‘Lovely city. It really is, didn’t ever go to Filton.’

Good, then our conversation is over, and you can leave me alone.

‘I would tell you of the places to go to but as it has been over ten years since I was there it has probably all changed.’

Nothing to say in response to that line, looking out the window I could see that we were only a few stops from the depot, the bus was starting to slow down for another stop.

‘Here comes my stop. Good to meet you, safe travels, hope it is not too late at night before you get there. Used to be a lovely Italian behind the theatre in Bristol, if it is still there check it out, proper family run place.’

‘Thanks,’ I don’t know what then took over me, but I turned my face and looked at the man who had been talking to me.

As we made eye contact his facial expression changed, the smile dropped and was replaced with a face of concern. ‘You go steady, hope everything is as you want it to be when you get there.’

And with that he turned and made his way to the front of the bus, I watched him as he made his way to the front of the bus, looked at his back as the bus came to a halt, watched as he got off the bus and saw him walk in front of the bus, he went out of my eyeline for a moment, I looked to the side of the bus and saw him dash across the road, evading a couple of cars on the way, he looked back to me and waved. I held my hand up in response.

I thought about the rest of the journey on this bus and thought that there was potentially three more stops before we reached the depot. A look at my watch and I knew that the bus would be getting into the depot in time for me to get to the coach that would take me away from here.

12:58:21

The bus stopped one more time, this time for three people to get off, no one else got on but I did not move from my seat by the window, keeping my rucksack on my lap, I just watched out of the window looking at the shops and landmarks, ticking the places off one by one as we got closer and closer to the depot.

Once at the depot I would have a wait of around twenty minutes, the coaches always left on time, regardless of whether all the people who had brought a ticket was aboard. Not something that I was worried about, I would be on the coach and the less people on the coach the better.

A couple of minutes later the bus turned left, the bus stop was less than half a mile away, I could almost see the building, however, what I could see was a long line of traffic, something had happened, and no vehicles were moving, I looked at my watch and felt confident that we would still get there before the coach was due to leave. It was at this point that I heard the first siren, I looked back from the way we had come, I could see blue lights flashing against the buildings on the side of the street. Within a minute a police car came up alongside the bus and carried on past, it went left and while it was out of my sight, I could see the flashing lights reflecting and it did not seem to be any change in the size of the reflections.

Five minutes later and we had still not moved, I was starting to worry that I would miss the coach if we did not start moving soon. More sirens could be heard in the distance, I looked back and this time two ambulances came into view and then drove past. 

A passenger got up and moved towards the front, they started talking to the driver, unfortunately I was too far back to hear what was being said, that was until the passenger started to raise their voice.

‘I DON’T GET WHY YOU JUST CAN’T UNLOCK THE DOORS.’ The driver said something in response, but I could not hear what he said. ‘BUT I HAVE TO CATCH THE TRAIN IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES, WE ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ON THIS BUS. IF YOU DON’T LET ME OFF I WILL MISS IT.’

Again, the driver said something and then the doors opened, and the passenger got off, I was not going to wait, that man had the right idea, I grabbed my bag and got up, the door was still open and just as I started to move other people followed. As I got to the door, I could hear the driver mumbling something about him getting into trouble, but I was not interested, I had a coach to catch.

Getting off the bus I kept my head down and moved towards the coach station, there were a few of us and I knew that there were a number of CCTV cameras in this area, but I was confident that I would not be spotted. I checked my watch, just over ten minutes before the coach left, less than half a mile, need to pick the pace up to get there on time. 

The problem was the number of people also walking along the road, so many of them were wandering at a slow speed. I moved in between the other pedestrians stepping to my left and then my right as I made my way on towards the coach station. I nearly walked into an elderly couple who just stopped seemingly for no reason. I moved to my right, only for the elderly couple to do the same, I quickly stepped to my left and moved on past them, took all my restraint not to shout at them.

I could now see the coach station, another quick glance at the watch, a couple of minutes had been wasted getting through the crowd and there we still people in front of me. I kept up the pace looking for a gap in the people and making my way through the throng of people, it took a while, but I was making good progress, finally I reached the coach station.

Walking towards the building with a number of other people I watched as the automatic doors opened and made my way inside. On the wall to the left was a number of screens, displaying the different coach journeys, I quickly scanned the screens and saw the details for the coach that I would be taking, it was waiting at departure point four, there were ten departure points in total, number ten being the one that I was closest to. Head down I made my way along the building, it was busy with people but not so much that I could not get easily to where I needed to be. 

I got to the departure point and stopped just before the door, I swung the bag off my back and opened the pocket that had the ticket it, taking it out of the pocket felt like I was finding a golden ticket, a moment of euphoria came over me, but I knew I was still not yet far enough away. Putting the bag over one shoulder I joined the queue of people making their way onto the coach. 

With my head down I walked to the gateway and scanned the barcode on the ticket and watched as the light went green and the door slid open allowing me access to the coach, a driver was stood by the side of the vehicle with the luggage compartment open, ready to take anything that needed to be stored in there.

I walked straight onto the coach and made my way along the aisle deciding which seat to sit in for the journey to come, deciding that I would be better off being able to see all the people on the bus I chose a seat one from the back, putting my rucksack between me and the window, choosing not to place it into the overhead compartment. This bag contains what is left of my life, it was not going to leave my side.

With my hood up I settled down and watched as different people made their way onto the coach, an elderly couple slowly made their way up the steps, I could not tell who was helping who more, but they made their way onto the bus and settled into seats at the front. The next people on the bus was, as far as I could tell, a family of four, certainly the two girls looked like mini versions of the woman who climbed the steps after them, the man following carrying a couple of small backpacks, no doubt packed with food and things to entertain the girls with, they settled in some seats halfway down the coach, the parents on one side with the two girls on the other. I watched as the father, well I assumed it was the father, took out some items from the bags and passed them over to the girls. He then stood up and proceeded to place the bags into the overhead compartment, I couldn’t make out what one of the girls said but the reply from the father sounded tired ‘it’s fine, I don’t mind getting up to get them and I don’t want them on my lap all the way.’

More people made their way onto the coach slowly choosing their seats and those people that were on their own had a temporary hope that they had got themselves a double seat and another person would not come up and take up the space beside them. Something that I was hopeful for as well.

Over the next ten minutes more people made their way onto the coach, there were not many seats left, a quick glance at my watch, we would be on our way in the next minute or so. I tried to relax but it was not happening, I could feel my heart beating, I was so close, but anything could happen, all it would take was for someone to get on who would recognise me, I might be wearing old clothes and be sporting a different hairstyle, but my face was still the same. It was still me.

I kept a close watch on the people coming in, if someone did get on that I recognised then I could try and cover up my face as much as possible, slowly the stream of people became a trickle. I could not see the driver from where I was situated, he was on the other side of the bus, but I could see the door for the luggage that was currently open, no one had got on the bus for a minute, and I noticed the luggage door drop out of sight. So close to the completion of this stage. 

12:19:19

I heard the luggage door close but could not hear the doors being locked over the general hubbub of noise from the other passengers. I looked out of the window to my right and saw the driver walk past, he seemed to be looking at the tyres, one last check I guess, before driving off. With that the driver opened his door and climbed into his cab, I could not properly see him from where I was but could just make out his left shoulder. Watched as the shoulder moved up, moved down, moved forwards, and moved backwards as the driver got themselves into a comfortable position. Once settled the engine was started, the rumble created a vibration through the coach. The next noise was the hiss of the hydraulic mechanism working to close the door that the passengers use. I realised that I was holding my breath, once the coach was well on its way there would not be a stop for over twenty miles. About forty minutes before we would be stopping again. The tone of the coach engine changed again as the driver prepared to reverse out of the parking bay, I heard the handbrake release and then felt the movement of the bus, slowly we started on our way, I let go of my breath. And then the coach stopped moving.

My heart stopped and I looked to the front of the coach. What the hell is going on, we were on our way, why had we stopped. I could not see what the driver was doing, I could not see his shoulder, the passengers at the front of the bus were talking in hushed tones, something was occurring, but I could not make out what it was. Then the hiss of the doors sounded into the coach, and I watched as the doors opened, separating, and then folding in on themselves. Was it a late arrival, someone running behind schedule and the staff had kindly allowed them into the terminal and onto the bus. I saw a hand grab a pole by the door and then watched as they pulled themselves up. I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack as I saw who had got onto the coach.

The police officer looked down the coach taking in all the faces that were staring back at him, ‘nothing to worry about ladies and gentlemen, just a quick check, everyone just stay where you are, and you will be on your way soon enough.’ His voice was deep, there was a tone to it that I did not like. This was it. I had got so close but somehow, I had been found out, somehow my plan had been discovered and the police officer would stop at the seat I was sat in, he would say my name out and I would be escorted off the bus.

I dropped my gaze and quickly opened my bag, I grabbed a book out and made to look like I was reading, trying to look as if I could not be less interested in this officer of the law doing their work. I did not read a word of the book, just watched the officer’s feet as they made their way along the bus stopping every now and then, he did not say anything as he did this, just wandered along the bus. The feet were getting closer and closer, I realised that my hand had dropped, and the book was no longer in my eyeline, I tried to lift the book up without making it look too obvious what I was doing. At this point I realised how stupid I must have looked.  I might as well have written a big sign that read:

I AM THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Too late to change what I was doing now though, that really would have looked like I was doing something suspicious, or a person of interest. The feet made their way further along and then stopped two feet in front of me, I dared not move, I just carried on “reading” my book.

‘What were you thinking of?’ The police officer’s voice was no longer friendly, now it was firm, I slowly lifted my face to look at him. 

‘I just wanted a trip out.  I would have come back tomorrow.’

I was confused, the person on the seats a couple of rows in front of me was talking to the officer.

‘But you know that is not how it works. You cannot just get up leave the home without a member of staff.’

‘I did ask, but they said no, not something that they would do.’

‘Sorry Mark, but you are going to have to come with me, I need to take you back home.’

With that the person the officer called Mark stood up and I watched the officer step aside to let them walk towards the front of the coach. I watched as they two people made their way to the front. At the front of the bus the officer was turned back to face the passengers. 

‘Sorry for the delay in the start of your journey folks, hopefully the roads will be nice and clear for you, and you have a nice safe journey.’ With that he looked towards the driver and nodded a thanks towards him, he then turned and him and Mark disembarked.

I had not noticed at this point, but the engine had been turned off, once again the sound rumbled, and the vehicle started to vibrate. Then the hiss of the doors closing and again the vehicle started to reverse out of the bay, fully out of the bay. The driver deftly steered the coach and got it facing the exit, we stopped moving momentarily and then we started to move forward, I would not relax until we were out of the coach park. 

I watched out of the window as the shops and offices outside of the coach park got closer as the coach reached the junction that would take us onto the main road. I stared at one of the offices, knowing that I would never be returning to work there. I had talked to my colleagues at length, only the day before, about the plans for the upcoming birthday party for a member of staff that was about to turn forty. I had been excited about it all, everything was set in place, thankfully I had nothing left to do. Me not being at work would raise questions, I had today booked off but should be in tomorrow. The coach turned left and started on its way, I let out a sigh of relief, nothing to do now but rest. 

There was a short shrill ping noise, and a voice came through the speakers. It was the driver he was letting us know the plan for this part of the journey, confirming the stops and where we would be stopping for a driver change, for any of those of us travelling with them that would be going that far, he confirmed that there were no roadworks and at the present time the route was looking clear, more good news.

I lifted my bag up and placed it against the window, I pushed at the contents to try and get the clothes inside it as comfortable as possible. Resting my head against the bag I could feel the vibrations of the coach through the bag, after a couple of minutes I started to find the feeling calming and soon sleep came over me.

I woke up as the coach jolted to a stop, it took me a moment to get my bearings, the dream I had been having had not helped but that was soon forgotten as I looked around. A quick glance at the time.

10:03:16

I had been asleep for a couple of hours, I tried to remember the estimated time of the stops and how far we would be along the journey by this point. The jolt that had woken me was the bus stopping, why I had not woken at some of the other stops confused me slightly, I must have been in a deep sleep. I then realised why the bus had jolted so suddenly, the doors were opening, and a young man was getting onto the coach, I heard him apologise for being late and thanking the driver for stopping.

I looked around the coach, there were only about twenty people on at the moment, this was a double-edged sword for me. Not many passengers to remember me but I could be easily remembered by the driver. Once again, it was something that was totally out of my control, therefore, I could not let it bother me, I just had to focus on the next steps for me.

The coach started to move again, and I decided that the only thing to do was to rest my eyes so I made myself as comfortable as I could, it was comfortable enough for me to get some sleep so I would try again, there was another three hours before the planned driver change.

This time sleep was not willing to cast itself over me, I could not shake a thought from my mind. Had someone reported me as missing yet, probably not, especially as they were probably at home with a glass of wine in their hand not even aware of the fact that I was not there. Fine by me, the later that call was made the better, in fact if it was not made at all before the next step was set in motion then that would be ideal.

Deciding that sleep was not going to happen this time I moved my bag and got out a book, it was the third book in the Millenium series, the second book was still on my bedside cabinet, bookmark in place, a strange thing to leave behind. I submersed myself into the book, having thoroughly enjoyed the first two books I was pleased to find that I was feeling the same about this book. Enjoyed was probably not the right word considering the subject matter, but I loved to read.

Another shrill ping rang out, I jumped at the sound of it and then realised that I had been asleep again, I looked down and saw my book just about to slide off my lap. I looked at my watch.

6:49:53

I had well and truly fallen asleep, I then realised that the driver was talking to the passengers, I then noticed that a number of them were moving about, the driver was telling us that the coach would be stopped for thirty minutes and that we were free to get off, stroll around and to take advantage of the facilities at the service station if we wanted to use a toilet that was not swaying with the movement of the coach, a ripple of laughter ran through the coach at this comment. A final reminder that if we were to get off to make sure that no belongings were left on the coach and to have our tickets to hand when we came to get back on.

I realised that I needed to go to the toilet so grabbed my bag, stuffed the book inside and checked that the ticket was easy to hand. Standing up I pulled my hood up further and, with bag in hand, made my way off.

Less than twenty minutes later and I was back on the coach, I was trying not to remember the state of the toilets, but the smell seemed to be lingering in my nose, I wondered if the one on the coach was as bad as that one. Hopefully not. I had also taken advantage of the shop in the garage and had bought myself a sandwich, a sausage roll, some crisps, and a drink, they were extortionately priced, but I needed sustenance. Five more hours on the coach, three stops of which the penultimate one was mine.

A few minutes later and the coach was on its way again, the familiar ping rang out and this time a woman’s voice came out of the speakers, they repeated the message from earlier, still no roadworks and the route was looking clear, at the moment. I settled in for the next part of the journey and ate the sandwich and crisps, deciding to leave the sausage roll till later. 

Once again the movement and vibration of the coach took a hypnotic hold over me and I started to feel sleepy again, knowing that I had missed a couple of stops already when I had been asleep I decided that staying awake was the safest option, I really did not want to miss my stop, although it would not be the end of the world it did mean that I would have to change the plan. The problem was that there was little to keep my mind occupied, clearly reading was not going to keep me awake and it was now dark outside and therefore not much to look at. I had no way of setting an alarm so needed to do something. It was at this point that I regretted not getting a second drink, something with a chunk of caffeine in it to help me stay awake.

The only thing I could do was to read and hope that I did not fall asleep, I made sure the light above my head was as bright as it could be and pointing directly at me. The next three hours would go by quickly if I could just read and not think too much about what I was leaving behind and what lay ahead of me.

4:15:28

The coach was well ahead of schedule, I had fallen asleep once and woken with a panic about where I was, a quick glance at my watch had allayed my fears. Now I only had less than an hour on this coach and it would then be time to put the final stage of the plan into play. I knew where the shop was where I would be getting a disposable phone from, it was only needed for messaging, and I had the number written down that I would be sending the messages to, another phone that I had purchased for this reason.

I looked out the window and made out the buildings as we made our way past them, I did not know the area but would in time, this would be my new home and I intended to learn every inch of it. I saw a road sign and saw that we were only five miles from my stop, I tried to keep a lid on the excitement that was bubbling up inside of me. It was getting so close that it was starting to feel real, not just the daydream that had come and gone, not just an impractical idea from over a year ago. An impractical idea that I had managed to turn into reality as I looked into how I could get from one place to another with the final destination firmly in place.

The coach started to slow, I saw the light of the indicator reflecting off the road, I still could not believe it that the coach stopped here but was grateful that it did, there was a supermarket a two-minute walk from the stop, I would get the phone there.

Slowly the coach made its way off the main road and onto the access road that led to its stop and where I would be getting off. Pulling to a halt the driver pressed the button to make the ping sound and announced where we were. I grabbed my bag, stood up and made my way off, as I passed the driver, I thanked her and replied to her question with a no I did not have any luggage in the hold.

Getting off the coach I stretched my back and then headed towards the supermarket, laughing at my own hypocrisy about the stupidity of these shops being open twenty-four hours a day. Thirty minutes later I was back outside the supermarket and finding a place to sit far away from any cameras. There was a local park not too far away, it was deserted so I sat on a bench and tapped a message into the phone. I clicked send and looked around me, I was not expecting to get a reply considering the time. So, I stood up, got my bearings, and headed to my resting home for the next three days, a small cottage that would keep me dry, warm, and safe while I made the plan of where I would move onto next. I had only been walking a couple of minutes when I heard my phone ping from my pocket. I grabbed it out and read the message that had come in.

Call made.  I did not give my name but made it clear that something very strange had taken place at the house.

I could not believe it. Mr Ashton had done exactly what I had asked him to do.

NINE MONTHS LATER

Since that day I had got myself a place to live, nothing special but it was mine and no one else’s and I did not fear putting the key into the lock for fear of what I would be coming home to. Mr Ashton also gave me the contact details for someone he knew in the area who would get me a job with no questions asked. I got a fake identity set up and slowly built my new life. The call to the police that Mr Ashton made led to them going to the house and finding the cleaned-up blood stain in the bathroom, the burnt clothes in the garden and no trace of my whereabouts. My former colleagues at work reported how happy I had seemed in the workplace but that there always seemed to be a shadow hanging over me. I asked Mr Ashton for one more favour, and last week he went to see my mother and now she is coming up to visit as I write. 

There had been a bit on social media about me as a missing person, but there was very little in the press and slowly the report faded away. Until the day, that is, when the police turned up at my old house to make an arrest. Apparently, there was enough evidence to arrest the person, who I used to call my wife, for murder. I know I said that Mr Ashton was a nosey jobsworth but we had a connection, he had helped me plan my escape, he had been through the same pain that I had with an abusive wife, it is not my place to say how he got through it but I can say that no one has seen Mrs Ashton for a very long time, not since, according to Mr Ashton, she boarded a train for London.