The Gap Between

I had not noticed it at first, but it was there, just a gap, a small space, where you ended and I began.

When we were children, we had been so close, I cannot remember arguing with you, yes there were a few spats from time to time but we were siblings, so it made sense that we did not agree on everything. However, we agreed on so much, we never seemed to vie for our parents’ attention, I am not sure if that was down to us or to the way that mum and dad raised us and helped us grow.

You were only eleven months older than me, maybe, that was why we got on so well, as close in ages as siblings can get without being twins, I guess. It was a happy house, mum and dad were not rich, they did not have high power jobs keeping them away for long hours, dad worked a nine to five and mum worked when we were at school, increasing her hours as we became more and more independent. They gave us so much love and looking back I see that they gave their whole life to us. I certainly know that they struggled to find a motivation for living at first after we had moved out, but they did. They were happy, well they were until dad got ill.

It was odd having an older sister who was in the same school year as me, despite how well we got on, our teachers never sat us together, we forged our own friendships, and in the playgrounds, we did not play together, you did your thing with your friends and me with my friends. But when our paths crossed the look between us sent a warmth through me and I would like to think that it did the same for you.

I cannot remember being competitive with you either, not at school or at home. Mum and dad made sure that we were good losers and winners, always cheering the other on when one of us got the question right or threw the number we needed on the dice, even if it meant that we would lose.

As we became teenagers our time together lessened, we had established different interests, different friendship circles, although I for one cherished our Friday evenings at the local youth club, a friendship group that we shared with each other. It was on a Friday night that I met the girl who would become my first girlfriend. I was terrified of asking her out, but you encouraged me, you knew that she would say yes, that I had nothing to worry about.

You then talked with me about how I should act, what to talk about, you did not tell me everything though, making sure that I learnt for myself how to kiss a girl, but that chat about being myself when I was with her made sure that it was not a short relationship. You were there waiting for me to get home after my first date making sure that I was okay and that it went well. Those conversations held me in good stead for that relationship and all the ones that came afterwards and now I am married, and I even have you to thank for that.

As we got to the end of our teenage years it was then that I first noticed it, the gap, a small chink, I decided to ignore it, I did not realise how much I would come to regret that decision.

Somehow, we ended up at the same university, despite trying to make sure that we did not, we were doing very different courses and it had been the only university that we had been to see together, you certainly never came along to any of my other visits and I only came along with you to one of your choices once because that was the day that dad was having his first operation.

Just like our time in school we did not mix much at university although we did see each other at times and on nights out if you were at the same club, I would keep an eye out to make sure you were okay, well that was until I realised that you and your circle of friends were so close. That time when one of them was being hit on by some bloke and you all came together to stand with her to get rid of him made me happy knowing that you were safe.

You were there for me when I nearly dropped out of university, you settled in so much better than I did, I enjoyed the night life but struggled with the course and somehow you knew this, and you came to me one day and we went out for a coffee. You listened to me without saying a word, you held my hand while I silently wept. Then you said the words that made me realise that I could do this and that I could become the person that I wanted to be.

Despite this, I noticed that the gap had grown larger, not by much but it was there. I wondered if you had noticed it.

Graduation day came and we both celebrated and at the meal with mum and dad we talked about what we were going to do, dad pointing out that there was a way we could combine our skills and start our own business, at the time we laughed about it but still shared a look that said he might be onto something.

After that night we went on holiday together with our respective partners. A five-week road trip down Italy, we had such an enjoyable time, and it felt so fantastic that as four people we got on so well, although I think we were ready for a break from each other by the time the plane landed at the end of those five weeks.

Then the unimaginable happened, I moved away, and we did not see each other in the flesh for six months. Yes, we spoke on the phone from time to time, but it did feel like we had wrenched something away from each other, well I had wrenched something away. I was not sure how you felt, I know you said that you missed me, but I did wonder if you really were missing me.

Life then well and truly got in the way, well life and the fact that we were now living nearly two-hundred miles apart, neither of us living in the town of our birth, we made sure though that we went home often and occasionally at the same time. Mum and dad were always happy to see us and seemed even happier when our respective other halves came with us.

The gap was still there but it was not increasing.

Then came that fateful Christmas, six of us in the house with mum and dad being the perfect hosts. It had been seven years since our graduation meal and dad had not mentioned us going into business together since then. However, he had worked out how fed up and disillusioned I was in my job and while we sat around playing trivial pursuit, he raised it again.

This time we did not pass on the idea, instead after the game, the conversation about it started and as we talked increasingly about it ideas started to flow, not just from you or me or mum or dad but my wife and your girlfriend really started to put in their thoughts. Before we went to bed, we had more than an idea on paper, we had plans, costs, selling points, advertising ideas, it was more than a starting point.

We purposefully did not talk about the idea on Boxing Day, but every time that our eyeline met we could see that our minds were whirring with excited thoughts about it, that evening we left to go back to our respective homes. Back at work the following day we exchanged emails as we had more thoughts about it. New Year plans that year were cancelled and we agreed for the four of us to meet up and see if this was just a pie in the sky idea.

Sat around your dining room table the four of us put all the plans into place, after back and forth on many issues common ground was reached, including how to raise the revenue needed to get started. Houses were sold, downsizing took place and moving vans were loaded. By June that year we were up and running. Employees were taken on the following year and life did not feel like it could have been better.

One late evening after a discussion I closed the door to your office behind me and realised that the gap was bigger than ever.

I ignored the feeling, it did not matter, we were still close and now that we were working together, we would start to get closer as the business put less stress on our lives. I told myself this so many times that I started to believe it.

Life trundled on and the business continued to grow, my wife and I started a family, and you were a loving auntie to my daughter which brought a warmth to my heart. We continued to work well together, just as dad predicted that we would do, and made sure that the business continued growing. Five years after starting off in a small, rented office space we had grown big enough to be able to lease out the whole floor, prompting conversations about whether we should be looking to have our very own space and stop lining the pockets of someone else.

Through our various connections we managed to find a piece of land and after some tough negotiating we bought it and then the purpose-built office was designed, two years later we moved in, the building was perfect, as it should be when we had designed it ourselves.

I remember closing the door at the end of the first week in there, we stood next to each other, you set the alarm and I secured the locks. We walked away stopping about twenty feet from the building, turned, and looked at what we had achieved. I turned from the building towards you and smiled, you did not make eye contact with me, you did have a smile on your face but there seemed to be something wrong in the smile. I think I tried to talk to you, but you did not respond to me, you mumbled a goodnight turned and got into your car and drove off.

This was not the kind of thing you would do, you were not like that, you would talk through issues, you were not afraid to say what was on your mind, I was confused. That night, once my daughter was in bed, I spoke at length about everything with my wife. As always, she listened well, made sure that I was not being paranoid, I did not think I was, but she had to be sure. She told me to have it out with you. But I was afraid you would tell me something that I did not want to hear, and I said as much to her. When I said that she shrugged her shoulders and said then I would have to put up with it until you said something to me.

That weekend I was quiet and reflective, not able to focus on much else other than the gap between us and reliving the moment that you turned away, I could not get the thought out of my mind that something was going on. By Sunday evening I had decided that I would ask you about things, more in general rather than anything specific.

Monday came along and I made my way to your office, as always you were deeply involved in a telephone call, you briefly looked up and saw me, you waved a hello and pointed to a chair making a won’t be long gesture with your hand. Sitting down I waited and listened to the noises you make when you are on the phone to someone, I smiled internally at these noises. Less than a minute later and you ended the call. You looked over to me and asked how I was.

We exchanged pleasantries about our weekend without discussing the weather, we never discussed the weather. I then broached the subject of you and how you were feeling about the business. You stressed that you were feeling positive about everything and even spoke about where you saw the business going next. It had all sounded positive until you said something that made me think about if you were really behind all these plans or if someone else was talking for you and something else was going on. I acted as if all was okay but the choice of words you had made was making things far from okay for me.

Back in my own office I thought about my next option, I needed to be sure of what I had read between the lines of your words. Many years ago, I had employed a couple of people to do some work for me, some highly illegal work, but what they had found out for me had saved me from making a very bad investment, an investment that would have had the potential of leaving me with nothing, not even a roof over my family’s head.

I picked up the phone to dial the number that I had for them so many times but never managed to press the button make the call, it would have been a shown a complete lack of trust in you, my very own sister. The person that had helped me so many times when I had been growing up and learning about life.

The following day I sat at my desk again, my eyes were bloodshot, and my shoulders slumped tiredness from a lack of sleep. Knowing that I could not continue like this I went out for a walk and stopped at a mobile phone shop. I bought a phone with a prepaid sim card and made the call.

There was nothing else to do now, I just had to wait for the report to come in. I was told it would be a month before the report was ready and how much it would cost me. I had been given a PO Box to go to where I would leave the money and then to return two days later to collect the report. It all felt so dirty, so untrusting but I did not know what else to do, I needed reassurance.

Sitting at my desk I tried to get on with work, there was nothing that I could do now, I tried to convince myself that I would get the report, read it, and then throw it away knowing that my paranoia had got the better of me. Time seemed to stand still then, days dragged by, I felt like I was in limbo, my wife knew something was up, but I could not tell her what I had done, she would be appalled at my lack of trust, I was appalled at my lack of trust so why would she not be?

Finally, the day came, I walked to the PO Box with a package tucked away in my coat pocket, I was convinced that everyone who looked in my direction knew what I was up to and that I was carrying so much money. Finally at the PO Box I put the package inside and locked it up. I left and did not look back, just knew that I would return in two days’ time to collect the report.

Forty-eight hours later I had the report in my hand, I walked to a local café where I could sit in a booth with a coffee and be left alone. Opening the package, I took out a folder, the report had been broken down into different areas, finance, private correspondence, business correspondence, routines, home life.

The finance report was a surprise, clearly you do not manage your money as well as I do and I saw that you had re-mortgaged your house several times in the last ten years, but I knew that you had done nothing to the house in that time, no renovation and certainly no lavish holiday. You were not poor but that was only because we had made a success out of the business. Everything that you had was tied up in the house.

Your routine, thankfully, came as no surprise, it said you are devoted to your girlfriend, which I knew. You left home to come to work, and you left work to go home, you both stayed in most of the time, you would go on runs together and occasionally would go out for a meal or to the cinema but the pair of you do very little else, with the occasional visitor.

Your business correspondence was exactly as I would expect it to be, you are so professional, in fact you are so professional that you put me to shame. Your internet usage was solely around the business and your emails were the same, there was no emails being sent or received from people that I was not aware of, it could not have been cleaner.

I was starting to feel relieved, concerned about your financial management but you are old enough to look after this yourself. I turned to the last part of the report and my heart fell out of my chest and broke into a million pieces.

You had been in email conversation about selling your share of the business, you had not come to me about this, in fact you were only in communication with one person, and this was a person who I knew well, too well. They had been in our employment and had left a couple of years previously to start up their own similar business and we had fought tooth and nail to stop them from stealing some of our clients, it had got personal and very nearly ended up in court before they had backed down. In the end they did not need our clients and had ended up becoming very successful using a very similar plan to ours.

Reading through the email exchange, it was clear that the conversation had progressed, and you were not far from being at a point of sale. I could not believe what I was reading, why had you not come to me? Granted, I would not have been able to buy your share of the business without borrowing against everything I owned, something I was not willing to do, but I could have done something.

I could not let this sale happen, but I had no idea how to stop it, or how to confront you about it. I could hardly walk into your office and ask you why you were selling up and even more, why to that person. But there was no way that I was going to let him get his hands on anything that I had worked so hard towards, that WE had worked so hard towards.

The gap was well and truly noticeable then. It had never been so big. It was never going to close now.

My mind was racing with thoughts about what to do, one thought kept coming to me, but I kept discounting it, you were my sister, and I could not bring harm to your door, our mum was heartbroken enough without doing that to her. But I did not know what else to do.

Suddenly I found myself thinking about how I could do it, I knew that my contacts could get me whatever I needed, no questions asked just a fee to pay. I could afford what I thought they would probably ask for. But could I do that, could I pull the trigger, could I end your life? While I doubted that my contacts did such a thing, I believed that they would know people that could.

As if on autopilot I picked up the phone I had purchased and sent a message. Within a minute a message came back telling me the cost and the usual collection process. A follow up message told me that they would await my instruction and as soon as the money was received the gun would be available to collect within twenty-four hours. I looked at the amount quoted and turned the phone off. What the hell was I thinking? You are family I could not do anything to you.

The following day I received an email from the person you were selling to contacted me asking about whether I would be interested in joining forces. Merging the two companies. Stronger together and all the usual business chat. No way, not a chance could I do such a thing, there was no way on this planet, or any other planet, that I could work with him.

Getting the phone from my desk drawer I turned it on and sent a message confirming that the money would be in the usual place the following day. I was on autopilot. I did not think about anything else. The following day I deposited the money into the PO Box and left for a walk, coming back the following day and taking out the shoe box that was there in place of the money.

Sitting in my car I looked inside the box, the gun was there, I knew nothing about them, but I had seen enough to know how to use it, point and aim. I looked at the clock in the car, watched as the time changed from six minutes past six to seven minutes past six. It was a Friday, you would be the only person in the office now, just finishing up a few bits before finishing for the weekend.

I drove to the offices, parked up in front of the main door and walked inside, turned towards the stairs, climbed the stairs and turned right, I could see the light in your office, you were still there. I put my hand in my pocket and felt the coldness of the gun, I put my hand on the handle and pulled out the weapon. Walking to your office door, I used my left hand to disable the safety before pushing open the door. Your head was down looking at something on your desk, I said nothing, stepped forward, lifted the gun as I moved, then when I was only a few feet from you I pulled the trigger.

The sound was so loud, it echoed around the office bouncing from wall to wall going through my head every time. The noise woke me from the autopilot mode that I had been in. I could not look at you, could not look at what I had done, at what I had destroyed. I turned and ran out of your office, I ran out of the building and got into my car. Guilt was tearing me apart. I started the car and drove straight to the police station. I walked into the building and seeing the officer on the front desk I dropped the gun on the desk and told them that I had just killed my sister.

A year later and I am here in prison serving my time for your attempted murder. I would like to think that you will read this letter when you receive it. There was no rhyme of reason to what I did, and I am never going to ask for your forgiveness. But I am sorry. 

I guess the gap is now an abyss.

For always

Your little brother xx