Odd Looking Pizzas and Wrong Funiculars

" See Naples and die, " is how the famous old saying goes. 

I was always confused by this. The first bit about seeing Naples sounded great, absolutely no dissent from me on that one. 
The second bit of the saying I had never much liked the sound of. I had never understood why they insist on you having to die at the end of it to be honest.
" See Naples, and then carry on living " seems like a more preferable option to me. However if you really want to follow the original mantra to the word, death could probably be arranged quite easily by wandering around Piazza Garibaldi outside the station late at night and waving a bundle of Euros about in the air.
I have my own variation on the famous saying, which I think encapsulates the Neapolitan experience.
" See Naples, and then completely misunderstand the contents of an incomprehensible menu and end up slightly disappointed when your food arrives on the table. "
Mine needs a bit of work, it's not quite as catchy. 

  *

Castel St Elmo sits at one of the city's highest points perched on a hilltop, and requires a funicular ride to reach it. Our first mistake was assuming the funicular would take you right to the castle, and that there was nothing much else on top of the hill. Maybe a few trees.
Wrong. On exiting the funicular station, you find yourself in the upbeat urban neighbourhood of the Vomero district, thriving with cafes , restaurants and shops. It's like a mini community all of its own, and your first thought is ' So where the hell is the castle? '.

" Where the hell is the castle then? " I asked Suzie. I like to share responsibility wherever possible, ( roughly translates as whenever I haven't got a clue what's going on. ) She stared back at me, arms folded.

" Let me ask you a question, " she replied. 

" Shoot. "

" How many maps do we have between us? "

" Er, one, " I said.

" Correct. Who's currently holding the map? "

" Me. "

" Right. So let me ask you one final question. "

" Shoot. " I had a feeling I knew what was coming.

" Where the hell is the castle then? " she asked me. 

Fair point, I thought, you've got me all ends up there. I squinted at the map in the powerful sunlight. It was hot, I could feel my arms starting to burn already.
" Well um, I think it's over that way somewhere, " I pointed vaguely in the first direction that sprang to mind. ( That's my speciality with map reading these days. )

" You sure? " Suzie asked sceptically.

" No. Not remotely. But it's got to be somewhere hasn't it. " Why I thought saying that would fill her with a bit more confidence, is anyone's guess. 

" Yeah, I'm sure it's somewhere, " Suzie replied. " Logically it has to be somewhere. Unless the castle doesn't exist at all, and you read about it in the Chronicles of Narnia. "

" Piss off, let's try up this way. "

Pretty soon, we came across a sign with an arrow pointing to Castel St Elmo. 

"Ah, " Suzie said, " the sign says it's that way, so I guess it must be that way. "
Well worked out, I thought, you have the sharpness of mind like a Rapier. Five minutes later and it didn't feel like we were any closer to our goal. 

" Let's follow these two, " I said, pointing out a middle-aged couple with day-packs over their shoulders and clutching their own maps. 

" They look like they know where they're going, " Suzie agreed. 
We were right, they did know where they were going. Unfortunately it wasn't Castel St Elmo.

" Bugger, " we said in unison, as the couple grabbed an outside table of a cafe and seated themselves.

We encountered several more signs with arrows for the castle, without any castle at the end of it. It felt as if each arrow was sending us in a different direction, like some kind of practical joke aimed at tourists. I was half expecting to turn a corner and either find ourselves back at the funicular station, or worse still, a disconcerting sign and arrow saying " Glasgow - 4 miles. "
Of course, we did eventually find it. Howard Carter eat your heart out. You may have discovered Tutankhamen's tomb, but we managed to find Castel St Elmo. So often visible from below in the heart of the city, yet impossible to find once in its proximity.
Not that the castle itself was of particular interest. But the views from it's grounds over the city and the bay, and across to the domineering Mount Vesuvias made the effort and all the signs with arrows worthwhile.
It's from this spot, that you'll find the ultimate panorama of this hugely populated metropolis. From here, you can truly see Naples.... and you don't have to die afterwards if you don't want to. 

*

Right "we decided, " Time for a spot of lunch. " And it was time to sample pizza, in the home of pizza! This was going to be the easy bit, I thought, rubbing my hands together in anticipation. I mean, how difficult can it be to order pizza in the home of pizza? How much of a Class A pair of doughnuts would you have to be to naff up this part of your trip? 
Stick around, and I'll tell you.

Selecting a restaurant at random on the way back to the funicular station, we took our seats and eagerly grabbed the menus. For the next few minutes as we both leafed back and forth through the pages, a third party observer would have noticed how our enthusiastic grins gradually gave way to quizzical frowns. 

" Hmmm, interesting, " I muttered whilst nodding vigorously, " a very interesting menu. "

" Yeah absolutely, it all sounds marvelous, " agreed Suzie, before slapping the menu down on the table. " Cannot understand a fucking word of it. "

" Me neither. " 

The problem was, the menu was all in Italian and only in Italian. I was looking for English translations of each dish that just weren't there. This is the only criticism I have of Italians, they will insist on speaking Italian. Bloody inconvenient of them if you ask me.

" It could do with some pictures or something, " said Suzie. " So now what? "

" Pick something at random and hope we get it right? " I suggested.

" Well I'm all for doing the typical English-tourist-abroad-thing, and shout the word ' Pizza ' very slowly and loudly at the waiter whilst pointing at our stomachs. "

" No, we're not in Benidorm.... wait! I've cracked it! " I gave her a smug, triumphant grin, and raised my arms in the air. " Back of the net! Yours truly, the genius strikes again. You can thank me later sweetheart, start looking forward to your delicious pizza! "
She looked doubtful.

" One word for you my dear " I continued, unperturbed. " Anchovies! "

" What? "

" The dishes on this page here. One of the descriptions mentions anchovies... well, a word that looks like anchovies anyway. " 
I was met with a blank expression. 

" Well don't you see? It's got to be a pizza hasn't it, " I continued, " If it has anchovies in it. So this page of the menu must be the pizza section. "

Suzie's face brightened. " Wow, I guess you're right. Okay, you have the one with the anchovies, err whatever that's called. And I'll go for this one with..... um, other....things on it, whatever they are... and whatever it's called. "

I took a smug sip from my wine glass, feeling extremely pleased with myself as we ordered. Suzie pointed at her choice to the waiter and said " Pizza? " at him just to make absolutely sure. The waiter nodded and scribbled away. 

When a young waitress appeared a little later with our orders, the self-satisfied grin I'd been wearing suddenly did an outstanding impression of Lord Lucan. 

" No no, " Suzie waved her hands at the waitress as she plonked two plates of non-pizza down infront of us. " Wrong table, " she tried to tell her.
She ignored this with a polite smile that said " absolutely the right table suckers, enjoy your meal. "

" Oh.... " I said, staring down at my pork and multi-coloured vegetables.

Suzie stared down at her pork covered in dark green sludge. ( spinach. )

" Shit, " she said.

" Oh, " I said again.

" You said I could thank you later right? How much later? As in never? "
We were hungry. So we ate. Mine was good. Really good. I was right about the anchovies. The anchovies were well and truly present. They just weren't sitting on a pizza that's all.

" Think of it this way, " I said cheerily, " what we're eating here is probably real Italian food, genuine cuisine that the locals have. I mean, all that pizza and pasta stuff is just a stereotype really. " 

" I wanted stereotypical pizza for lunch " was her response to that, picking at her spinach miserably. " I thought you were good at the Italian language. " 

" Well I know a little. Unfortunately, I don't know the Italian for Pork with green sludge poured over it. Sorry about that. "

*

After lunch it was time to head back to the city below. 


" So where is this funicular station then? " I asked Suzie. Then I remembered I'd asked the same question earlier about the castle, and that I was still holding the map. 

To our utter shock and amazement, we managed to find it very quickly. I tried to convince her that a scientific study had proved that Pork with green sludge poured over it was beneficial to the brain's ability to find funicular stations. She wasn't having any of it.
That said, something about the funicular station didn't look quite right to me. It seemed somwhat different, and I said as much.

" Maybe they demolished and rebuilt it in the time it took us to find the castle, " Suzie quipped in response. 

Unable to put my finger on why it felt odd, I shrugged and guessed it was probably my imagination playing tricks on me. I mean, we got up here by funicular, and this was the funicular station from which to get back down to ground level again. What could possibly go wrong this time?
Plenty, as it turned out.

" Did that seem to you much quicker going back down? " I asked her when we stepped out the other end. " It did to me. "

" Nope, not really. "

" Just my imagination then. Ignore me. "

" I am. " 

Still fed up about her pizza that wasn't pizza I see. 
We emerged back out into the bustling Via Toledo, only to find that it wasn't the bustling Via Toledo. 

" Could you consult your map and establish exactly how we've managed to fuck things up this time? " Suzie asked calmly. 

I agreed that another close examination was required, unfolded the map and put on my reading glasses. 

" Right, so where are we...erm.... " and after a short while I added " Oh. "
( " Oh " is one of my favourite words and I use it a lot in these types of situations. Spoken in the right tone, it's a shorter, easier way of admitting to someone else that " I appear to have bollocksed it up again. " Saves a bit of time you see. )

" What is it this time? " she sighed and closed her eyes, anticipating another inevitable cock-up.

" We are erm, not quite.... where we thought we would be, " I said slowly, and then added, " I knew there was something different about that funicular station at the top. Now I know why! "

" Go on, why? "

" It was a different funicular station. "

" Great. "

It turned out that there are several of them around the castle area, not just one. And each one connects you to an alternative part of the city centre. 

" I should have noticed that before really, " I admitted. 

" Just tell me we're still actually somewhere in Naples, " said Suzie, " and I'll take it as a small victory and a good enough reason not to smack you very hard in the face. "