The Cheese and Ham Panini Mystery

Roger made munching " Hmmm " noises in that way that people like to do when they want anyone within hearing distance to know what an ecstatic experience they're having with food

It was a brief period of down time on our group business trip to Rome, and in all honesty Roger hadn't been my first choice of colleague to spend it with.
Given the chance, it would have been with Melanie from Accounts.
Melanie's companionship would have had several advantages to me over Roger's.
Melanie had a much nicer shape to her. Melanie wasn't bald. She also smelled a great deal nicer. She also probably didn't make munching " Hmmm " noises whilst eating, though that was admittedly a guess on my part.

Unfortunately, Melanie was currently somewhere else in the city with Nigel, taking photos of some bits of very old stone. I think these bits of old stone are called the Colosseum or something.
Rod Stewart wrote a song once about Nigel, something about certain guys having all the luck?

It had been a long sunny morning exploring the Vatican area. A long morning of riding Metro trains and realising you were riding the wrong line and travelling well away from your intended destination. A long morning of fiddling with a video camera that had an annoying habit of filming the inside of your rucksack for ten minutes because you'd forgotten to switch the bloody thing off between " takes ". A long morning of joining an infinite queue to go inside St Peter's Basilica and then hoping to God as you gradually shuffled closer that this didn't turn out to be just the queue for the toilet.

Incidentally this seemed like the ideal place to be hoping to God about a lot of things because you suspected that if he was idly hanging around anywhere, then that anywhere had to be Rome. I made a mental list in my head of other things I should hope to God about during my few days here. I'd have hated to go back home and then think to myself " Damn! I forgot to hope to God about that neighbour slicing a couple of his fingers off whilst doing his noisy DIY on a Sunday morning."

" Now that is delicious! A proper authentic Italian Panini " Roger declared , spitting 2.7 per cent of it in my direction in the process, " How's yours? "

There were two problems I had with this question that I could put my finger on right now. 
Firstly, I suspected his question was rhetorical. If mine wasn't worthy of munching "Hmmm " noises I doubt it was going to ruin his day because he was clearly enjoying his far too much to care.
Secondly, mine actually wasn't worthy of munching " Hmmm " noises, and I was worried this might make his day even better than it already was.... which would have been unfair on me surely.

" Um, yeah " I replied between slow thoughtful chews " It's okay, yeah. "

Big mistake. Roger jumped on that word quicker than a lion jumping on a Gazelle that's naively wandered over to it with a cheery friendly wave saying " Hi, I'm a Gazelle, what type of animal are you, and what's your favourite food? "

" Okay? Just okay? "

" Yeah, it's okay. "

" Mine's delicious. "

" I know. You already said. And mine's okay."

The confused mish-mash of Rome city life buzzed noisily around us as Roger continued to roll " okay " around his lips and tried to understand how such a mundane word could be used to describe such fine example of Roman street cuisine. 

Via Ottaviano seems to encapsulate that mish-mash as well as any street in Rome. Nothing seems to quite fit with anything else around it. A group of Nuns with serene looks in their eyes will sweep gracefully past you, accompanied by car horns punctuated with corresponding expletives. ( Italians hunched menacingly behind steering wheels have a wonderful way of letting others know that " well, actually, sorry to point this out but this happens to be my road and not yours. " ) Meanwhile, archaeologists might be painstakingly uncovering a new-found Roman antiquity whilst students pass in and out of a McDonalds next door.

" What's wrong with your Panini then? " Roger asked.

" Nothing's wrong with it " I snapped irritably, " It's okay. "

After another moment of failed comprehension on Roger's part, he just shrugged and said " Well... mine's delicious " and happily took another bite.

Right, I reasoned silently. You're allowed to tell me one more time that yours is delicious and then after that, the rest of that Panini of yours is going to take an alternative route to the inside of your body.

" Mine seems a bit plain, " I said, giving him one last opportunity to tell me how delicious his was. 

" How do you mean? "

" Well it just tastes a bit on the bland side.... and dry too. Yes it's awfully dry. " 

" Oh right. " Roger didn't seem overly interested anymore. I knew it had been a rhetorical question. 

" It's like they've skimped a bit on the filling with mine. "

" Right. A little light on the ham and cheese is it? "

" Yes. Can't fault the Panini part of it at all. Top marks for that, but definitely lacking on the other ingredients. " 

" Bummer " said Roger in a sort of ' well mine's delicious so I ain't bothered ' kind of way, whilst ogling a particularly promising looking young Nun as she strolled past us. 

I pulled the Panini fully out of it's white paper bag and perused it a little closer. 

" Wait a minute " I shouted above a sudden cacophony of car horns, " It's not just lacking in ham and cheese.... there's none in it at all. "

" What? " Roger was suddenly interested again. And why wouldn't he be? It's not every day you see a ham and cheese panini without any ham and cheese in it. 

We both examined it as I held it in the air between us, as if we were those archaeologists next to McDonalds inspecting their latest discovery.
A beggar ambled over to us, clutching an empty plastic cup. Before even finishing his pleaing sentence he gave up and moved on to the next person. Even he could see that we had far more pressing matters than his imminent starvation to contend with right now.

" Well would you look at that! " said Roger with a whistle. " You should take that back. "

" Hmm, I don't know. " I was sceptical. Problem was that I didn't really know the Italian translation for " excuse me, I purchased this ham and cheese Panini from you ten minutes ago, could I possibly have some ham and cheese in it please. " 

" Seriously mate, you could have them for that. " Roger seemed vaguely outraged on my behalf. " I mean that's a trading standards scenario right there for you. Not a court in the world that would throw that case out. I mean, you just cannot serve someone a ham and cheese Panini without any ham and cheese in it. It's the law! "

He did a three hundred and sixty degree scan of his surroundings. He appeared to be looking for something or someone and I asked him what.
" Let's find a policeman " he responded. 

I shook my head doubtfully. " I can't imagine the Carabinieri would classify this as high priority. " 

" Well, we'll see about..... " He stopped mid-sentence. " Wait a minute.... What's that? " 
I noticed that Roger's attention had switched to the white paper bag in my other hand to which he was now pointing.

" What's what? "

" There's something else in that bag. " He pointed again. Now he came to mention it, the bag certainly didn't feel as empty as it should. I peered somewhat perilously inside at what was nestling in the bottom. Was it a Scorpion I wondered randomly? I wasn't keen on them.

" Oh. " I said in realisation. It wasn't a Scorpion, or any other such venomous creepy-crawly.

" What is it? "

" Ah. Okay. I see what's happened now. " I turned away to try and shield the evidence of my general wallyness.

" What is it? " Roger repeated, trying to sneak a look over my shoulder at the open bag.

" Well erm.... two things actually " I muttered. 

" Would one of those two things be some ham by any chance? "

I didn't say anything. In these situations, there's little you can say to defend yourself.

" Now I don't know about the second thing that's in that bag, " said Roger, grinning with delight. " But I'm gonna go out on a limb here with a bit of a wild guess. " 

" You're enjoying this aren't you, " I muttered, carrying out repairs by poking a lump of molten cheese and ham between what was left of the half-eaten Panini.