The beauty of it all

I wish I was Callum Tague. He’s the right amount of normal that lets him blend into a crowd. He’s small; smaller than me which I’m happy about. He has ginger hair and a buck-toothed smile, not a good look. Given that, I still wish I was him.
Even with his averageness, he gets to do all the things that I can’t. Things like playing outside with other kids. Kicking a ball, or even going to school. When Callum used to come and visit me, he used to tell me how people picked on him for the way he looked, I think that sometimes he wishes he was different like I do. It’s funny really, how our wishes for change are the same yet so very different.
I’ve heard other kids complain about how school is boring or how their parents would only let them out for a few hours. Mum calls these kids entitled, I don’t know what that means but she’s probably right.
School for me is Herb, he smells a bit like cabbage, but he comes and teaches me. He comes on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, my favourite days of the week.
On these days, I get to spend the whole day with somebody that isn’t a doctor, somebody that has no interest in my illness. Herb comes to teach me, he doesn’t let anyone bother us or talk about Brittle Bone.
When he comes, we play a game. It’s more of a rule than a game, but whenever we finish a subject for that day and I show him what I’ve learned, I get to ask him a question, any question.
Herb has lived a very nice life, he’s traveled around the world, seen all the seven wonders. Taught in some of the countries he’s visited too. I ask him questions about his travels, his time in Egypt, his years working at Nasa. I don’t always believe he has done everything he says, but he interests me.
 
A few years ago, I had a fall and broke my arm. Herb came to my house to teach me as normal, but this time he had a box under his arm. He unpacked it and set up my very own telescope. He said that he was going to teach me a little about astrology. I was more than happy to learn astrology as it was a Tuesday. Tuesdays meant Maths.
He taught me about the planets and how they move, about the sun and other stars, comets and more. He left the telescope at my bedroom window as a gift, positioning it to a point in the sky where I might be able to see Saturn on clear nights.
I cried when he left that night.
I remember the first time that I saw the rings of Saturn, I was mesmerised by them. Their faint glow, the deep black of space that surrounds the planet. I still haven’t repositioned the scope for fear of losing Saturn forever.
 
Callum and a few other kids are playing outside, the laughing is loud I want to go out and join them, but I can’t. Instead, I watch from my window seat. I watch as they run up and down the street, dodging one hand after the next, fearful of being touched.
Callum is ‘it’. Chasing one girl down the street, he’s faster than he looks, catching her quickly and tags her.
I put my jacket on as I walk. Stopping in front of the door as I start to button up. My mum stops me before I get chance to leave.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m just going outside to talk to my friends, I promise I’ll be careful.’
‘No, we’ve talked about this before, you know you can’t’ she says.
‘Please, Callum saw me at my window, he asked me to come out. Please!’
‘Callum should know better, you are not going out!’
‘Why! I’ll just sit and talk to him, watch the others play from the side. I won’t even be in danger.’
‘Dylan, no. I’ll take you out later, we’ll go for a walk. Take your jacket off.’ she said flatly.
‘I don’t want to go out with you though. I want to see my friend.’ I moan. I can tell I’m starting to annoy her, but I know that if she gives me a chance she’ll see!
‘Well it’s either out with me or not at all, stop moaning and take your jacket off.’
‘I want to see Callum, just let me go and talk to him, he never comes by anymore.’
‘Well, I think that was for the best, after what happened last time.’
‘You told him not to come, didn’t you?’ I yell.
‘It was for your own good, you broke your foot the last time he came.’
‘That wasn’t even his fault. I kicked my door, he did nothing wrong. Why do you always have to punish me? You always do this, just like you did when you took Buck away.’ My words drop off into silence as soon as they come out.
‘Get that coat off and go to your room, you’re not going out. That’s final.’ She started to cry, hiding her face from me.
I storm back to my room, slamming the door shut as I get inside.
Buck was our dog a few years back. He was a sausage dog, my best friend, my only friend. We used to play all the time, nothing too extravagant of course. We used to take him for walks.
Our walks were always special. We went to the park, let him off the lead and watch him run, chasing the ball that mum used to throw. He loved it almost as much as I did.
One day, Buck was walking next to me, he got too close and went between my legs, and I fell.
I hit the ground hard, the front room’s thick green carpet doing nothing to soften the blow. I screamed, everything blurred from view with a tearful sheen.
Before I knew it, mum was kneeling next to me, talking quickly on the phone. She was calling an ambulance. (being in an ambulance by that time was like second nature to me, I enjoyed the sirens).
Buck tried to lie next to me, his tail buried deep between his legs. He put his head on my arm, but mum threw him off, dragging him by the collar into the back garden and locking him outside.
By the time I got home from the hospital the next day, Buck was gone. I lost the ability to hold things properly, but Buck, well Buck lost his home. Buck and I both lost our best friends that day, and that hurt more than any broken bone ever would.
 
My clock reads 22:34. I heard my mum go to bed a few minutes ago. We haven’t spoken since the argument earlier, and we didn’t go for that walk after all.
I hate arguing with mum, she’s the only real family I have. I know she loves me so much that it hurts her. We never stay upset at each other, but this time is different.
I walk to her door, about to go in to apologise to her for earlier. As I put my hand on the doorknob I stop, I hear her. She’s crying. Quietly but definitely sobbing.
I slide down her door frame gently, place my head against her door. I listen to her crying, tears coming down my face just as fiercely as her own must be.
 
I’ve always wanted to go outside with my telescope. To go and stargaze properly, and tonight is my chance. It’s been almost three weeks since the argument with mum since I spent the night listening to her cry.
I never really considered what my illness does to her, how it affects her life. She worries about me constantly, even when I sleep. ‘What if you fall out of bed while you sleep, you could break something’ she said once, and she’s right. I’m never safe, I could hurt myself doing anything.
With that, I’ve come to realise that I need to start living. After thirteen years of basically being locked away from the rest of the world I want to start seeing some of it, and if I were a normal kid I’d be able to do it on my own. But I’m not going to let my illness stop me from doing things anymore.
Over the past week I’ve made a point of going out more with mum, asking her to take me to the park more. We’ve been getting along better since that night. If she knew I was using these trips to plot out my escape route, she may not be thrilled with the idea.
I know that it’s insensitive to leave, but I’m not going to leave forever. I’d never do something like that to her. I only want to get out on my own, to go back to that same park that we used to walk Buck. I think it’ll only take a few hours. That’s not so bad, right?
If I’m cautious though she’ll never know I’ve left my room, let alone the house.
It was obvious that I was going to get curious at some point. Surely, she knew that. I don’t blame her for being overprotective with me. If I were in her shoes, I’d probably be the same. But if she was in my shoes, I’m sure that she would want to get away herself, she’d want to do something just for herself.
I know she’ll never let me leave the house on my own, I’d always be like a lion in a zoo, spending my entire life in captivity, caged up to be ogled at from a safe distance.
I stuff my fluffiest pillow inside my jumper and make it tight with some duct tape, the sound of me ripping the tape echoes through my room but mum doesn’t hear. I put on my pair of woollen gloves, hoping they’d add some protection. I place my helmet on last. It was a special helmet that was given to me a year or so ago by Dr. Mohan.
The pillow is warm, making me sweat a little almost as soon as I start to move. I stand in front of my mirror, taking myself in.
I pick up the box with my now disassembled telescope inside and make my way out of my door. Opening it slowly, trying to avoid the squeak.
Sneaking out of the house is much easier than I expected. I’m down the corridor quickly, unharmed and without making too much noise. I stumble into a wall near the front door, but I’m injury free.
The door opens with a creak that has never been there before. It’s as though the house itself is against my plan to escape.
Closing it gently, I walk into the front garden and look straight up into the sky, letting the soft nights breeze sweep over my covered body.
 
The breeze hits me again as I walk down the street. Its colder than before, its bite hitting my uncovered skin. All this caution and I forget to put a jacket on.
I take my first left onto Church Street and make my way down it. Walking slowly, I pass the house that Ben Mason lives in. He is the bully that plagues the streets of Haywood. I feel sorry for Ben, I think he bullies out of a need to be seen. He has no friends, none that I’ve seen him play with anyway. I have seen him punch Callum though, he stole Callum’s ball that day too, I was so angry, I told mum, but I don’t think she did anything.
I pass a garden filled with roses. I can’t resist stopping. I in a deep breath, the pleasant smells filling me with a new sense of vigour. I pull a few roses out, maybe if I take them home for mum she won’t yell at me as much when she finds out I’ve left.
As I turn at the end of Church Street, I can see the park ahead. It’s at the very end of this road. The park is in complete darkness, street lights doing nothing to illuminate the huge grassy fields.
A smile spreads across my face.
I take a deep breath through my nose and pick up the pace again, I’m walking faster than I ever have before.
 
In the park, the ground underfoot is still a little damp still from the previous night’s rain, but it’s solid enough for me to walk on without having to worry about slipping.
Even with the steady ground, I walk carefully. Heading towards the biggest hill near the east side of the park. It takes little over five minutes for me to get there. The park feels almost too dark to be real.
Every few hundred meters there is a street lamp that shines the faintest of glows, each light looking scarier than the last. I make an audible gulp and continue on my way. I’ve never been fond of the dark.
I climb the little footpath up the hill and after wiping my brow I take my pillow from under my jumper, having fallen far enough down my body that it’s now become completely useless.
I sit on the ground, feeling the wetness of the grass dampen my pants. Looking up I can see the stars. The sky is completely clear of clouds, the perfect night for stargazing. Even the wind has died down enough for me not to panic about getting a chill.
I place the roses on the floor and take my gloves off. I open the lid of the box that contains my telescope and give it a little pull, but it doesn’t come. I try again but this time a little harder, still nothing.
Agitatedly, I start to yank at the box, trying to rip the scope out now, with a final tug it comes flying out, I fall backward onto the pillow, the hand that holds the telescope slams against the floor, the weight of the telescope helping with the break of a finger.
I scream, tears start to stream down my face as I let go of the telescope and bring my hand up to my chest. I look down and see my right hand’s little finger jutting out at a slightly forced angle.
I sit there for a while, hoping that the time along with the chill in the air will help with ease the pain of coming from my finger. After twenty minutes of sitting here with a wet bum, I decide not to waste the opportunity. I finish what I’ve started. Painfully, I set up the telescope. With a deep breath, I put my eye to the lens and start panning it around.
I see it all, the moon in its entirety and the glow that surrounds it, the stars, the deep blackness in-between. It’s like looking into the worlds clearest reflection, but instead of yourself, you see a universe of possibilities. For me, I see that anything is possible, that life is truly worth living, I see why people search the skies. They’re not searching for answers, they’re looking for a place of escape.
I can’t wait to tell Herb about this, about my very own adventure. I want him to know I’ve seen it, the beauty of it all.