The Pipe

As Jane looked around the hall she once again felt depression setting in. Her chief editor, an odious letch of a man at the publishing house she worked for decided Jane needed to get out and meet the authors on a one to one bases. To facilitate that he had sent her on a tour of the north, arranging book signings with meet and greets of new and emerging authors in their own home towns. “Jane you need to build up these chaps and chapesses, break them in slowly. Book signings in local bookshops then a meet and greet in a village hall, you know the drill make them look interesting. Put on a tight woollen jumper, some thick red lipstick you know sex it up a little. Some of these herberts we have on our books haven’t seen the light of day I’m sure of that. Get them out, it will do them a world of good. Righto off you pop then darling.” 
Jane still shuddered as she recalled that slimy toad calling her darling and as for wearing a tight jumper and red lipsticks. She felt physically sick but desperate to hold onto her job she didn’t pick up a chair and batter that oily pervert with it which was what she wanted to. Instead she smiled sweetly then walked out. 

That was why she was in this draughty dingy hall. The author of the book this was arranged for stood at one end of the hall, small gaggle of his family and friends all back slapping him and telling him he was the next big thing. Huh thought Jane, I had the interminable task of editing his story all about regression. A man’s journey into his own psyche, whilst driving an articulate truck through the icy tundra of northern Canada. By the end of editing the 95000 word brick of a book Jane felt she wanted to disappear into her own psyche or at least bugger off to Northern Canada! As she sat in the kitchen area making herself yet another coffee. Anything rather than talk to the weasel of a writer, she looked out of the window and spotted a man with his back to her. Looking at his ramrod back, the cut of his jacket and the way his trousers sat very pertly on his backside Jane idly began to fantasise just walking out grabbing him by that pert looking ass and pressing her body into his back whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Just then she saw a whisp of white smoke appear above his head and her fantasy was ended. Oh damn a smoker. Jane detested smokers, she refused to date a famous screenwriter purely because he lit a cigarette before asking her out. Ah well shrugging her shoulders she was about to walk back out into the hall to try and wrap up this depressing little gathering, she will smile sweetly tell the author his book is performing well and then move on to the next crappy little town to do this all again. Just as she gathered her thoughts she took a deep breath and then the smell hit her. She immediately knew it was cigarette smell but oh boy it was so fresh, it was like dew on a mornings day. It was like…. Breathing in deeply again, yes it was like her childhood playing with her smaller brother in the garden. It has been said the sense of smell is the best triggering sense to reawaken a persons memory. Jane’s olfactory gland was certainly working overtime. Turning back round she stared out of the window to see the gentleman with the pert bum had wandered nearer to the open kitchen window. In his mouth was a large ornate looking smoking pipe. Jane had never seen a pipe smoker before in the flesh. It seemed such an old fashioned thing to do. Now she could see him from the front she could see he was a few years older than she was possibly late forties to her early thirties. He had a sprinkling of grey in his hair, a neat little beard and the deepest mauve coloured eyes. As she stared at him he smiled and gave her a small nod. Jane looked away quickly going crimson thinking Christ I’ve just been staring at him he must think I’m some nutter.

Glancing through the window she was half relieved tinged with disappointment when she couldn’t see the pert bum man anymore. Ah well lost chances I suppose, right let’s get this wrapped up, go to my hotel and prepare for tomorrow’s exciting instalment. Walking out into the hall she reached in to grab her phone, pulling it out dislodged a pack of mints she had in the same pocket. Sighing she bent down to collect the pack of mints as it rolled along the hall floor. A hand appeared next to the pack picking them up. Straightening up Jane looked directly into the dark mauve eyes of the pipe smoker. 
“ I believe these are yours”. His voice was honey smooth, Jane felt her knees go weak. “Uhmm yes sorry they sort of flew out when I got my phone out…. Uhm sorry are you here for the book signing because I’m afraid I’m just about to wrap it up.” The pipesmoker looked quizzically at Jane. “Book signing? Oh sorry is that what is going on. No I was supposed to meet a friend of mine but he’s just texted me to say he won’t be able to make it after all” shrugging his shoulders he continued. “I saw you in the kitchen and well the aroma of the coffee did rather get the best of me. I thought I would chance my arm and see if I could nab a cuppa before heading back down the motorway”
“Oh oh of course uhmm talking about smells, I smelt your pipe through the window, it smelt well like no other tobacco smell I’ve ever smelt it was actually nice! Sorry I’ll get your coffee. I just well I just thought I would say it was lovely, your pipe that is….” 
Oh god girl shut up for god sake he’s going to think I’m a total dick. Walking into the kitchen she shouted over her shoulder “How do you like your coffee?” 
“Black and strong please. Uhm sorry I don’t think I’ve got your name?”
“Oh it’s Jane, and here’s your coffee, black and strong” handing over a mug of steaming coffee. She then asked him what his name was. Putting the mug down he smiled “My name is Gordon, nice to meet you Jane” Proffering Jane his hand. They formally shook hands. 

Even though at the time Jane didn’t know it. That handshake was the start of a love affair, so passionate and so intense, Jane who really wasn’t one for the nonsense of falling in love. It takes up too much time and energy, was what she used to tell her friends, she certainly didn’t want kids who seem to be fun spongers as far as she could tell. 

That night Jane left that dingy hall but instead of going back to the premier inn she instead went on the town with Gordon. For the first time in years Jane felt maybe her misconceptions about dating were wrong. Gordon was such a good listener. Jane was able to open her heart and tell him every little thing about herself. It got to point where she had to stop, thinking Gordon will think I’m some sort of egotist. Gordon though just laughed when Jane pointed out he now knows she’s never married, never wanted kids, was in a job which she knew she was good at but didn’t really enjoy. She hated her boss and she always wanted to write her own novels. Instead of which she edits other peoples books forever thinking I could do better than them! So he knew all of that about her, all Jane knew about Gordon was he had a nice bum and smoked a pipe. There was definitely a discrepancy there which really needs to be rectified. Gordon smiling pulled out his pipe idly tapped it against his shoe then put it on the table. “My life Jane is not very interesting, I’m the wrong side of fifty, I work for the government, I could tell you what but then I would have to kill you…. Sorry no bad joke I could tell you but the boredom would kill you! I’ve never married either, had a few romantic dalliances but for someone of my decrepitude not as many as you would think. Uhmm my pipe was my Grandfathers and the only true link I have of my past so really means the world to me. The nice smelling tobacco is my only true vice. Eye wateringly expensive. I only use it very sparingly. Today I was so annoyed my friend never turned up I thought I would treat myself… I must say I’m very happy I did that now.” Looking long into Jane’s eyes she started to blush thinking come on pull it together. We’ve literally just met, the attraction though was obvious, neither of them could deny that.

Back at work in London after three weeks in Gordon’s company. Jane found a new zest for life. Her friends ribbed her constantly saying things like look at Miss relationships are pointless. You’ll be married with little rug rats running you ragged before you know it. Jane heartily agreed with the first part yes she was wrong a relationship with a loving man is a lot better than anything she could ever imagine but as for having babies, that was definitely not on the cards. Both Jane and Gordon were quite clear from the start of the relationship that was never going to happen. 

A couple of months into the relationship Gordon phoned from his flat in Manchester. “Jane hi love, you know you were due down this weekend I’m going to have to change our plans sorry for the short notice” Jane bit her bottom lip, thinking oh here we go excuses are starting. First it will be cancel this weekend, then stuck at work can’t do our trip to Edinburgh next month. Deflated she knew long distance relationships was the hardest to maintain but she hoped. Oh well let’s hear what his excuse is. “Ok Gordon if you have something on I’m sure we can rearrange.” Silence then Gordon said. “Oh god no I don’t mean not see you. I just meant not in Manchester at the flat. I’ve taken the plunge and brought a property. It’s just ten miles outside London. Actually it’s my parent’s second house. They are selling it and sold it to me at under market value so I can’t really say no. My job now since the pandemic is mostly from home so I can live anywhere really. I was hoping we could meet there this weekend? Jane’s heart skipped a beat. A proper house so much nearer to London. It was perfect. That weekend walking around the big house together. Jane telling Gordon what an amazing place it was. A large kitchen, nice walled garden. A lovely frontroom. It was all lovely. Walking down the long hallway she came across a wooden door that was shut, trying the door she found it was locked. Looking quizzically at Gordon “Why is this one locked Gordon? It’s not your secret S&M dungeon is it.”
“Hah no nothing like that. It’s my office it does contain some very boring but rather sensitive files within so I just keep them locked up. This place was always my retreat. I used to spend time down here from time to time and I would store my work files here. That room is just an office that’s all” Jane found this all quite amusing she expected Gordon wanted to keep part of the house to himself. His own man cave. She wasn’t put out a jot by this. After looking round the entire house they made themselves comfortable in the kitchen with a pot of tea. Gordon sat sipping his tea. Looking over at Jane. “There is one problem with this house. It’s too large for just me, so….” Gordon put his hand into his pocket bringing out his set of keys unhooking three keys off the bunch. “I’ve made a duplicate set of keys to the doors and well I think you should have them. It will make it easier for you to move your stuff down here”
Jane with a massive grin, brushing away a tear from her eye. “Are you asking if I will move in with you?” “Yes I think I am asking that. Oh go on Jane I know it’s only been three months but it feels right doesn’t it?” Jane stood picked up the proffered keys then walked around the table put her arms around Gordon neck and kissed him. “Of course I’ll move in with you. Right let’s finish the tour. I don’ t think you have shown me the bedroom yet.” Together they walked up the stairs to the bedroom. 

Another three months had passed, Jane had sold her small flat in London, her friends had all met Gordon and unanimously agreed he was a keeper. Jane had taking the plunge and wrote the book she had always threatened to write which was doing modestly well. Good enough for her to quit her job, get away from that odious creep of a boss and start writing in earnest. December came and Jane started worrying about Christmas. There first Christmas together ought to be special, but she had no idea what to buy Gordon for Christmas. Looking out of the window she saw Gordon sat on the garden bench puffing at his pipe. He rarely smoked at home and when he did it would be a normal tobacco blend which Jane disliked as it turned her stomach whenever she smelt the smoke on him. When ever they went out or had a celebration at home he would unlock the door to his man cave (the study but Jane now only calls it his man cave) come out a few minutes later with a small silver container. Within it would be a small amount of his special blended tobacco. The same tobacco he was smoking that day outside the hall where she first met him. One morning when they were snuggled up in bed together Jane running her hand down his chest asked him “Gordo why do you only smoke the nice tobacco so rarely. You know I prefer the smell of that one.” Burying her nose into his chest she took a big breath in. They had been out that night to the theatre so he had taken his good blend with him. Jane with her nose buried into his chest could smell that lovely fresh grass like smell of that tobacco. Gordon smiled “It’s very rare, hard to come by and like I told you before stupidly expensive. I made a promise to myself. When this lot I’ve got at the moment runs out I won’t renew it. It’s too problematic”. Sighing he turned to Jane. Anyway let’s not think about that right now. You’ve had a good sniff at my chest I think it’s only fair I get to sniff yours!” With that he buried his face within Jane breasts making heavy snorting breathing sounds, laughing Jane started slapping his back. One thing led to another and they were soon making love. Sat at the kitchen now reminiscing on that morning. Jane made up her mind she was determined to find where Gordo gets his special tobacco and buy him a good quantity of it. After all if it means he could smoke that rather than the normal rancid tobacco it will be a win, win situation all around.
How to start though. All she knew was Gordon hid it somewhere in his mancave which he kept locked. When Gordon gave Jane the keys to the house when she moved in she did note he didn’t give her the key to the study, obviously didn’t want her in there. Jane never had a problem with that. Her laptop and paper work was set up in one of the spare bedrooms upstairs. Tonight though was going to be the night she broke into the man cave! Jane hatched a plan. That night Jane walked into the kitchen, checking Gordon wasn’t watching her she took the milk bottle out of the fridge and then quietly poured the milk down the sink, putting the tap on to wash it away. She then shouted over her shoulder “Gordo do me a favour love. I have the illustrator coming first thing tomorrow morning to discuss the cover art for my book and I’ve just noticed we’ve ran out of milk could you pop down to the garage and.. oh hello there you are, as I was saying could you buy some more milk tonight please” Jane turned as Gordon walked in looking at Jane with a slight frown then seeing the empty plastic milk bottle on the side of the sink he gave a little grunt. “Strange I could have sworn we had milk left. Ok see you soon. With that he walked out, put on his shoes and wandered out towards the car. Jane breathed out, phew she thought that was close. Feeling a bit guilty about her duplicity, but thinking it was for a good cause. She crept out into the hallway then thinking why am I creeping? I know I’m alone but even so she still crept. Reaching the door to Gordon’s man cave she first tried the door knob but it was locked. She then walked to the other end of the hall to the grandfather clock then looking around to make sure Gordon wasn’t returning, she opened the long door of the clock showing the pendulum inside. Placing her fingers behind the pendulum she felt the heavy key with a magnet on it holding it to the disc of the pendulum. This key she found one afternoon whilst cleaning the hall way. She always wondered why the clock didn’t work, opening the door she gave the pendulum a bit of a swing then heard a clunk as it swung erratically. Thats when she discovered the key. Trying it in the lock of Gordon’s mancave she heard the lock turn. Putting the key back where she found it, she never mentioned it to Gordon. Now she decided it was time to explore the study and try to find the tobacco and hopefully a clue from where it came from. Unlocking the study door she tentatively entered. The only thing in that room was a large antique wooden desk with a large leather swivel chair. No filing cabinets were in the room so why did Gordon say he kept sensitive files in here she was at a loss to say. Noticing two draws in the desk she tried them first presuming they were going to be locked but both opened easily. All there was in them was some scraps of paper, a few biros and a stapler. Not exactly top secret files and even more frustratingly no silver tobacco tin. Next Jane got on her hands and knees and looked under the desk to see if any hidden boxes hiding in the darker recesses under there but no nothing. Wondering maybe the desk had secret draws. She checked the edges couldn’t see any mechanism that may spring open a secret draw. Frustrated she sat back on the swivel chair looking around the room. The room though was bare except for a large fireplace on the other wall. Slightly intrigued by this fireplace, Jane wandered over. It was large enough for her to walk within it. Looking up she shone her mobile phone torch up the chimney. Wow the size of this fireplace if they should ever light it, it would be like a sauna in here. It’s much too big for this one room. Sighing she started to duck back out when a glint made her stop. Shining her torch again she noticed a small shelf in the chimney wall. Putting her hand out she carefully picked up three small tins. Bringing them out she laid them on the desk excitedly she could see they were tobacco tins. She recognised one of them as the tin Gordon would take out when they went anywhere. The other two similar looking but older and more tarnished. She noticed each tin had a word embossed on the front of them. Looking carefully the one Gordon takes out with him had the word Flora ornately pressed in the metal. The other two harder to read the middle one looked like Holly. Could it be there scent tones Jane thought then the oldest looking one after much head scratching she deciphered it as Veronica. Ahh maybe named after ex girlfriends then. Anyhow now what next, she found the tin how will that help her. Taking the lid off, the two older ones they were totally empty. The third one though had some foil with excitingly a label attached to it. Holding it close to her nose she breathed in the aroma of that sweet smelling tobacco. She took a photo of the label on her mobile then quickly put everything back exactly as she found it. Locking the door behind her as she left she put the key back behind the pendulum then sat down in the kitchen just in time as Gordon entered the back door carrying a four pint bottle of milk. Jane stood gave Gordon a hug then said “Thanks love I’m going up to bed, got that meeting early then going into London to mop up Christmas presents. I’ll get your parents that set of wine glasses you said they liked. Are you coming up soon.” Gordon gave Jane a bit of a smile before shaking his head. “No I just need to do some emails before coming up. You’ll be asleep probably before I’m up so I’ll see you in the morning.” Jane felt a bit miffed they always went to bed together, oh well she was excited for tomorrow and her hunt for the elusive tobacco. 

In the morning. Gordon left early saying he had a few errands to run. Jane gave him a little kiss saying don’t forget she was going into London herself to get the presents. Nodding Gordon walked to the back door. With his hand on the door knob he stopped. “Everything ok Gordo? Something wrong?”
Gordon turns smiles at Jane shook his head “I just wanted to say I love you that’s all” with that he turns back to the door opens it and walks out towards his car. Jane with a puzzled look watched him leave thinking that was weird oh well let’s have a look at that label. Taking out her phone she brought up the picture she took last night of the label inside the tin. After manipulating the size and the light of the image she could see it said “Samuel’s pipe emporium, Bond Street London. With her heart singing thinking that will fit in perfectly with my shopping trip today. After her meeting with the illustrator she googled Samuel’s pipe emporium. Found an address then getting in her car made her way into London. She started her shopping down Bond Street. Eventually she reached Samuel’s. It was a very old looking shop which boldly claimed on a wooden sign over the door it was established in 1840, by the look of the decor inside hadn’t been touched since opening day. Jane at this point was quite exhausted as she had walked the entire length of Bond Street buying all the presents for both hers and Gordon’s families and it had started to rain. She pushed the heavy door open making a small brass bell ring plonked her bags on the floor then looked around for some assistance. Through a back door a disembodied voice called out. “I’ll be straight out please sit and make yourself comfortable” Sally sat in a large leather wingback chair, this whole thing left her slightly bemused and feeling a bit out of her depth. After a short while the back door opened and a small bespectacled man wearing a white apron came out. “So sorry about the delay, I was blending a mix for a customer and it really is quite a fiddly process, anyway what can I do for you is it a present for your husband? Something mild and dare I say easy on the pocket as well.” Jane wasn’t sure if he was condescending her but decided he was obviously just like his shop from the last century. “No I have come for a special blend which my boyfriend seems to purchase only from yourself. His name is Gordon Patrick Gallagher and my plan is to surprise him for Christmas with a pouch or maybe even two of this blend.” The small man took his glasses off gave them a quick wipe, myopically staring at Jane muttering Gordon’s name to himself, placing his glasses back on he turned and disappeared into the back room. Now what? Jane thought as she heard banging from the other room. Eventually he returned with a large ledger. Banging it down in the desk he turned the pages till stopping, he tapped at a point on the page. Jane craned her neck and saw a page full of neat copper like writing. Where the man was pointing she could make out Mr. G. P. Gallagher then what looked like some sort of recipe after his name. “Yes here it is Mr Gallagher he hasn’t been here for ohh nearly five years by the looks of it. Yes that’s right five years, he’s only been here three times so far each time a few years apart. Let me see yes a lovey mix he buys infused with wild thorn berries, elderflower and a pinch of saffron, the tobacco itself is of the highest quality from Honduras. A very high end product and really quite expensive.” Jane breathed out she knew it would be expensive which is why she took an advance on her next book. “That’s not a problem I have the money, I’m not sure how much I should buy what do you recommend?” The man slowly closed the book and looking directly at Jane he shrugged his shoulder. “I’m sorry madam I cannot make you this particular mix. I could lie to you and make a mix up but it wouldn’t be the same, you and Mr Gallagher would know it’s not the same. My integrity would be questioned. Sorry I can’t help”
Jane was mortified and quite pissed off thinking this little man was playing her for a fool. “Now wait a minute you showed me the recipe and told me what was in the blend now you are saying it’s impossible? Is my money not good enough? Am I too modern for your shop?” The man held his hands up. “Of course not madam I really wish I could make this blend. When I’ve made it in the past the smell was heavenly, the taste was divine. Mr Gallagher was always good enough to allow me one smoke the three times he’s been in. But I cannot make this blend because I don’t have the full ingredients. There is something missing and that something Mr Gallagher brings with him. He brings a small pot of what looks like ash which he insists I put in the mix. I do just that and it transforms the blend from a good blend to something out of this world. He’s never told me what is in that pot and I’ve always used it all as per his instructions. He watches me to make sure it all goes in then takes the pot away. So I’m sorry madam. If you ever find out what it is in the pot please do let me know!” 
Jane was mortified, all her hard work, her duplicity in discovering the name of this ship and now all of it come to nothing purely because of a mysterious ingredient. She blinked back the tears of frustration and thanked the proprietor before leaving the store. Going back out into the dark wet cold world outside she trudged back down Bond Street towards the taxi rank to take her back out to where she had parked her car. By the time she got back home she was still quite melancholic but deciding oh well she tried she will just have to buy him a bottle of that whisky she knew he liked. At least that didn’t have any stupid secret ingredient in it. As she walked into the hallway dropping her bags on the floor and shrugging off her coat she was very surprised to see a glow coming from the study. The door was open and she could feel the heat coming out of the room. Walking towards it she called out Gordon’s name. As she neared the open study door Gordon came out looking very sombre. Jane thought is that tears in his eyes? She went up to him and hugged him. He held her close to him she could tell he was upset. Eventually they parted and Gordon turned walking back into the study. Jane unsure what was going on followed him in. Sally noted he had brought in a seat and a small table on which sat a small glass of whisky and the three tobacco tins. The seat and chair was halfway between the fireplace and the desk Gordon took her hand propelled her towards the table then picking up a towel started drying her wet bedraggled hair. He then handed her the glass of whisky which she took thankfully. Taking a gulp of the whisky letting the warming amber drink heat herself up from within. Jane looked again at the three tins decided she may as well come clean, obviously Gordon knew she had been in there. As she started to explain about her duplicitous act of going into the study and her frustrating visit to his tobacco shop, Gordon had turned his back to her and was stooping down by the large fireplace breaking the burning embers down. Jane picked her glass of whisky thinking she was right about that fireplace much too big for this room. Putting the glass down a little unsteadily her head was spinning. That will teach me to drink on an empty stomach. Her head was getting foggier. “Gordon please don’t play with that fire anymore it’s way too hot in here already. My head is spinning. I think I should just go to bed.” Trying to stand she found her legs had turned to lead. Gordon had now walked back over to her with proper tears in his eyes. “Hush now love, you see I knew you came in here that night you pretended we had ran out of milk. When you put the key back in the grandfather clock you put it in upside down. When I came in here, I pulled out the three tins and they were put back in the wrong order.” Gordon sighed deeply. “I really thought I found trust you. I really thought you were the one but you had to snoop.” Jane by this time her head was a solid fog, trying to fight the fog off she raised her head looking at Gordon’s face those dark mauve eyes of his now rimmed with redness. In a thick voice she eventually asked him “Gordo what is your secret ingredient?” Sighing Gordon reached into his pocket and brought out a very shiny new tin on the lid Jane could make out one word in capitals - JANE. As her eyes closed Gordon kissed her forehead. “It’s going to be you Jane it will be you”

THE END