The Romsey Heist

I know what you’re going to say, it was a terrible idea, climbing over a chain-link fence on my 71st birthday. But I couldn't say no, could I?

When Arthur said, "You’re the only one who can do it, Glynnis. You do aquarobics in the community pool on Tuesdays and jazzercise on Fridays."

I was quite flattered that he knew my schedule, I know one shouldn't mix business and pleasure, but if Arthur asked me for tea at Miss Moody's, I'd go in a heartbeat, as long as it’s not on a Tuesday or Friday, or Wednesday for that matter, (I've taken up bridge, and if I don't go they can't make up a four.) If people talk, let them, it’s been three years since my Henry’s passing, I think that’s long enough, don’t you?

As I was saying, about chain-link fences, they’re deceptively difficult to climb. It's the size of holes you see, they're not the right size for feet, even ones as dainty as mine.

And don't you go telling Arthur off for asking me to do this on my birthday either. How was he to know? He's new. Not that Maggie or Cecil knew either. It's not that I don't trust them. It's just that there is such a thing as getting too familiar.

Arthur’s first day wasn’t going well, some might even call it a cock-up, but I've never been one for vulgar language. Although, to be perfectly honest, a few choice words were going through my head, climbing that fence. I thought getting over the top was going to be the hard bit, but climbing down was a bugger. If I was younger, I would have jumped, but the old hips aren't what they used to be, you know.

Why was I climbing it in the first place? Well, that’s a fair question.

The short answer is: to get into the impound lot. I couldn’t just walk in. At my age if you walk in and steal a van, people remember.

Why didn’t we just hire one? Firstly, you would be shocked and appalled to know how hard it is to hire a van when you're over 65. It’s a crime really. Even if you tell them that you've never had an accident in all your years of driving, a bold-faced lie as you know, but what they don't know can't hurt them. Not that the driver’s licence would have been mine, anyway. I never saw the use in taking the test when Andy, you know Andy, up in Basingstoke? He knocks me up a nice new one whenever I ask. Did you know, his son practically runs the operation now? Lovely lad, very good with computers, Gary is his name, I wish I could set him up with my Sharon, she's not been the same since the divorce. And I don't have to tell you about the trouble with her youngest. They need a firm hand at that age. I always knew his father was a wrong’un, but my Sharon has a mind of her own.

Anyway, a hire van wouldn't have helped us this time, we needed the van with the nappies. And that one was in the impound lot.

Oh no, not those. Adult diapers, you might call them. Unused of course. Boxes and boxes of the stuff. Male, female, briefs, pull ups, from light to maximum absorbency. Small to 4XL, and those are hard to come by I tell you, they go for a mint on the granny nappy market. We had to get the van sharpish or we would have a lot of unhappy customers come morning. We pride ourselves on our regular deliveries, Mondays and Thursdays, like clockwork. We've not missed a delivery in five years and I don't plan on starting now.

No love, I don’t do the antiques any more. Oh, for about three years now. And it wasn’t easy, mind you, getting into the nappy game, loads of sex workers use them, don’t ask. And you can mind your own business on how we're the only nappy game in town too, least said, soonest mended, as my late mum always said.

Where was I, oh yes, nappies. It started when my Henry was still with us, lovely man he was, you never met him, but you would have liked him, always neat as a pin, but when his mind started going, he started having little accidents, and he was mortified. I told him it was nothing, happens to everyone, why did he think I crossed my legs when I sneezed? But he didn't see it that way. He was a very proud man, my Henry. Eventually he agreed to try the pull ups, they look just like underpants I told him, no one would even know. But they’re very expensive, and we were saving up for that cruise, so I knew I had to do something, I’ve always been good with money like that.

Oh, why was the van impounded? It was towed, after we parked it on a double yellow, by the market place. Very convenient, you have the Boots on the one side and the Superdrug on the other. Park once, shoplift twice, dead easy, but Arthur forgot the blue badge, it being his first time and all, and then Maggie needed the loo, I told her to wear a pull up, we all do it, medium absorbency would have done her fine, and we had a whole box of the extra-large in the van, but she’s otherwise our Maggie, dab hand with knife though, very fast for a woman in her 80’s.

Oh, here comes the copper, I do hope he’s brought the tea and biscuits you asked for, I’m that parched. Thank you for telling him it’s my birthday, you don’t mind if I carry on acting a bit dotty, do you? You’re much better than my last solicitor, lovely shoes by the way, are they Marks and Spencer’s?