But the Newt Eyes, Mother Hubbard!

BUT THE NEWT EYES, MOTHER HUBBARD!

           I was enjoying the peaceful time in the school. You know, the time between my bathrooms, trash, and vacuuming sprint and the time when the teachers, or as I call them, the herd of cats, comes in. I was enjoying a cup of coffee, deciding upon today’s janitorial projects, when I heard the noise, the change in barometer, that signaled the end of peace.
           And I knew who it must be; Mrs. Hubbard. They, the herd of cats, have dubbed her Mother Hubbard for her propensity to leave mounds of food out for the masses.
           I sighed, took a sip of coffee, and put on my Monday smile. You know, all teeth and no substance. Thus, I was ready when she came into the breakroom lugging a vat of lovely smelling brew.
           “So,” I said, teeth showing but no warmth in my eyes, “what have you brought the masses today?” I took another gulp of morning brew, mostly to give my unaccustomed cheeks a break from Monday smiling.
           “Chocolate Moose, a la mode.”
           “Oh. What’s the a la mode?” I took another sip like it was a lifeline.
           “Whipped cream de Newt eyes,” she answered as if talking about the mild weather.
           Coffee shot out of my nose. I went to get the machine to clean my coffee mess, stopped at the door, and turned. “But, Newt eyes?”
           Without pausing in her set up, she said, “You can’t take it with you, Blair.”
           She must be talking about money. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you have heard of the great Newt eye incident of Toronto. The trucks, full of Newt eyes, honking horns and being complete jack asses over, well, doing their jobs. The price of diesel, the lack of Newt eyes. Having to wear surgical masks at the border crossings? Wah, wah, we want gold? Well, they got their gold and Newt eyes went from being a household staple to being a luxury item.
           I stood at the door, staring at coffee and snot on the floor, not knowing what I was doing. Was it decoration? Wait, carpet machine. Oh yeah. I left. When I returned, I cleaned the mess. To my shame, I made a plate of the delicious Moose and Newt eye whipped cream. I ate it with my pinky finger sticking out.
                                                                       ***
           At lunch break, I found her in the break room. Why I had to reason with Mrs. Mother Hubbard is like trying to explain why I drove into that brick wall. ‘Uh, because it was there?’ The moose by this time had become a carcass, discarded by the jackals. Did I even call them cats earlier?
           “Mrs. Hubbard, you could have traveled to Europe for the price of this ‘treat.’ Why?”
           She gave me the look she reserves for her ‘special’ students, but held it longer. She took out a baggie of Newt eyes from her purse, popped a few in her mouth, enough to fill her tank with gas if we’re counting costs, and said, “You are questioning me. Should you be questioning my judgement, young man?”
           I stared into those eyes. They were unwavering and sure of themselves. Now, I’ve eaten rattlers with eyes like these. I stared for a minute more, and realized that, no, I haven’t.
           “Quax ill mean,” she said, then made odd movements with her fingers, pointed them at me as if passing me a basketball. She broke eye contact and ate another tank of gas worth of treats. “Go to your room, young man.”
           I’m pretty sure we were the same age. Also, I’m sure that I had a boss that said, “Blair, you need to educate these teachers!” Also, though I eat rattlesnakes, I know they are dangerous.
           I recognized danger, figured I had nothing to teach, and went to my office. I lay down on the floor and sucked my thumb.
                                                                       ***
           “Blair, the upper grade boy’s bathroom needs paper towels.”
Damn radio. I took the thumb out of my mouth and, pressing the speak button, said, “Well, they should have worn flannel shirts!” I felt okay with my answer, lay down, and put my thumb back in my mouth.
                                                           THE END