Why Emperor Donny Hates the Elves

  WHY EMPEROR DONNY HATES THE ELVES

           The school nurse came in. It was about eight in the morning, I’d already been in for two hours myself, and I couldn’t help but watch her short dress swish left and right down the hallway. She turned her head back and saw me watching.
           My grandfather had also been a school custodian and said that such ‘obvious and vulgar leering’ would have had ‘severe disciplinary consequences’ back in his day. Thank God Emperor Donny didn’t see things that way, or I’d have been in big trouble with the way I watched her walk.
           Then again, sometimes I felt sorry for the women, having to dress the way they did by Emperor’s decree, having us men stare, while we could dress as we pleased. Emperor Donny assured us that it was the proper way, but when nurse Edith got stared at by some of the fathers, or pinched by the male teachers (another decree), it bothered me way deep inside. Nurse Edith seemed to realize this, because her eyebrows didn’t go angry-faced when she caught me looking.
           A squeal came from the nurse’s office. I ran, then slowed to a walk as I heard her laugh. When I got there, she smiled at me. “Thanks, Ralph.” She pointed to the package of chocolate covered peanuts lying on her desk.
           “I, um… It wasn’t me.”
           She smiled at me anyway, and my heart wanted to break a little. “It must have been the elves.”
           Heartbreak suddenly gone, a groan escaped me. “I’ll go get the traps.” This was a pretty nice job, and I had the nurse, the only woman I knew who didn’t give me ugly looks for my leering, but trapping elves was the hardest part. It made me sick, having to use glue traps because, “The dirty little bastards spread disease! They’re all rapists and murderers!” Emperor’s decree. You had to throw them away live, or else disease would kill us all.
           Sometimes I have to scratch my head when I hear that in my brain.
           “Do you have to?” Nurse Edith asked, giving me the smile that almost over-rode Emperor Donny and his decrees.
           “They carry disease,” I said.
           “They bring you M&Ms, Ralph.”
           “It’s national policy, and, besides, do you want me to end up at the Golf Course?” Only the elite were allowed at the Golf Course, though occasionally they’d invite the commoners there. For their own executions.
           Like my grandfather.
           Nurse Edith shuddered, then looked to the candy. “No, I would never want that, at least not for you.”
           Snit, a fifth grade teacher, stuck his head in, looked at the hem of Edith’s mini skirt uniform, and said, “’Morning, sugar bum.” He left to go get ready for class.
           Edith sighed. “Not you, but maybe some. It just doesn’t seem right.” She stamped her foot like, well, a school girl. “They bring you candy!” 
           “Hey, sugar buns.” That was Mr. Adams, and he didn’t stop to even look at the nurse.
           For some reason, a tear escaped Nurse Edith’s eye. “They brought me candy.” She looked me in the eyes. I’ve never been close to ignoring an Emperor’s decree before, and I found myself paralyzed.
           I thought I was going to cry, which would also break a decree. “Just one trap,” I said. She bit her lip and nodded.
                                                                       ***
           The next morning, six o’clock, I walked by the nurse’s office and heard the high pitched sound of one in the trap. I didn’t stop to look, but instead headed for the custodial storage, where the toolbox was. I grabbed a hammer (the way I saw it, alive or dead, how was the Emperor going to know? I just hated the suffering) and returned, clocking in on the way. No way was I going to do a job this ugly without being paid for it.
           I walked into the nurse’s office, hammer at the ready. The trap was where I left it, under the sink (the bastards need a source of water, the Emperor says), and it was occupied. A female elf and a packet of M&Ms. The M&Ms were stuck to the glue, but the elf was almost entirely on top of the candy. Why I withheld the killing blow for too long, I’ll never know. Maybe it was the sight of Nurse Edith’s favorite candy, glued and ruined.
           “What on earth is the hammer for!” the elf screamed, pulling her foot free of the glued down shoe and sitting on the candy oasis.
           I’d never heard one talk before. I stood there, stupefied. I raised the hammer as if to strike, and the way she covered her face made me pause. It was so human. I lowered the hammer. She peeked, saw the hammer still in hand, and again cocooned herself with those tiny limbs. I set the hammer down, picked up the trap and set it under the light with the magnifying glass, a huge, ugly thing Nurse Edith used for splinters and such.
           I looked through the glass, and this elf was hot. I moved my eyes around the glass, and saw just a rodent, but, through the glass, wow. That’s one pretty elf. She was wearing a pantsuit. I almost said something about the mini-skirt decree, but she was an elf. Why bother?
           “You bastard!” the hot chick yelled.
           I stopped looking through the magnifier. “You’re the bastard. It’s an Emperor Donny proclamation.” And, damn me if I didn’t still see a hot little mouse-sized woman. I should hit it with the hammer. Oh, the hammer was still on the floor. Crap!
           “Emperor Donny.” She looked at her feet, one missing a shoe, and shook her head. “We, I mean us elves, were around when he came into power, you know.” I put my hand down near her, not sure what to do; I’d never picked up vermin before. She hopped right on my palm, keeping her balance by holding my index finger. “He’s not the brightest guy.”
           “Sh!” I brought the hand close to my face, looking around for cameras that didn’t exist inside this room. “Do you want to end up on the Golf Course?”
           She put a little hand on her little hip. She was wearing green pants and a blouse with all the colors of the rainbow. Her dark hair bobbed as she dipped her head, then flew back in defiance. “I golf,” she said.
           “Everything you do is in defiance of Emperor Donny’s laws. Wearing pants, more than one color on your shirt. And now golf? Golf is for the elite!” I looked at her as she folded her arms, unshod foot tapping on my palm. “He says you’re here to rape and murder me.”
           “That does it!” The little elf jumped forward and attacked my thumb.
           “Ow! What are you doing?”
           “That was my attempt to murder you,” she said, stopping the assault on my thumb. Both her hands were on her hips and she leaned forward. “I’m not going to dignify the rape idea with an answer.”
           I waited for more, but she just stood there, tapping her foot. Tapping a foot wasn’t something a mouse would do. This behavior went against everything I’d been taught. Sure, with her coppery skin and good looks, she was hot. But I just couldn’t bring myself to lust after her. She was the size of my finger. “I, uh.” For the life of me, I couldn’t think. “Why does Emperor Donny hate you elves?”
           “Finally, an intelligent question!” She still tapped her foot, but now one hand came to her chin. “No, you’ve been programmed. I can’t tell you why he hates elves.”
           “Oh, but—”
           “I can show you, though.”
           I was about to ask how? when Nurse Edith walked in. “Hi, Ralph I just need to grab… An elf!” She seemed delighted, holding her hands to one cheek and smiling. I looked down toward the hem of her mini skirt.
           “Don’t leer, Ralph,” the elf said, hands on hips. In the face of her mouse-sized scrutiny, I complied. “Hello, Edith. I hope you’ve enjoyed the candy.”
           “I have! It’s such a treat, it helps me to forget about, well.” She curtsied with her skirt.
           I’m afraid I accidentally leered again.
           The elf said to me, sealing my fate, “If you buy her flowers, that look might be okay.” She considered. I snuck another look. “Might!” she screamed.
           I sighed. I looked at the ceiling. I saw nothing there to save me.
           I looked back at the vermin. She had that angry mother face, then turned.
           “Okay, here we go.” The elf pointed to a blank spot on the floor.
           The air left the room, leaving me breathless. Then, there he was; the Emperor himself, saying, “Then I grabbed her by the—Hey!” He looked around, zeroing on Nurse Edith. “I don’t know what just happened, but I’m sleeping with you.” He adjusted his hair, which moved a bit. I’d never noticed it was so orange. “Emperor’s decree.” He leered like I never have. I was angry, though I didn’t understand why. “You’ll love it.”
           Nurse Edith sat down on her chair, covering her face with her hands. “No, I won’t,” I’m sure only me and the elf heard.
           “I’m the ruler of the world. Who the hell are you?” I’d never been confronted by an Emperor before, and I took two steps back. He saw the little elf on my hand. “Oh, my God. Kill it! Why are you just standing there?”
           I reached down, automatically, and grabbed the hammer.
           He was Emperor after all.
           I stood there, not a clue what to do. I mean, Emperor’s decree, right? I knew what to do, but looking at the vermin in my palm, fists planted on hips and glaring, daring me. I’m ashamed, but I froze.
           “Kill it! You’ll be very, very pleased later.”
           He was my orange-skinned Emperor. I raised the hammer. A rapist and murderer. The hammer shook. What was my problem?
           I put the hammer on the desk, in front of the crying Nurse Edith. “The elf can’t murder me. Rape is out of the question, Emperor Donny.” I scratched my chin as the orange man, all 170 years old, raised his golf club. It shook above his right shoulder. I should have bowed and accepted my fate.
           I didn’t. I couldn’t, not with Nurse Edith crying, next to my hammer.
           “Kill it, peasant!”
           I picked up the hammer. The rapist, the murderer, looked at me, hands on hips and a look on her tiny face that I will, no matter how long I live, never forget.
           Nurse Edith let out a sob. I said, “No,” and raised the hammer just in time to save myself. The nine iron (the elf, Betty, told me the name of the club later) clattered off the raised hammer’s shaft and hit the desk, bringing Nurse Edith’s head up and out of her hands. Her mascara (Emperor’s decree) ran down her cheeks.
           I have, never in my life, saw such sorrow. The mascara looked horrible. Her eyes were the only sunrise or sunset I had ever seen.
           It’s like I wanted to leer, but didn’t know how.
           My life ended then. I hit my Emperor, the Great Donny, right between the eyes with the hammer. The 170-year-old man fell dead on Nurse Edith’s floor. All I thought was, Damn, I have to clean this mess! How could I be so calloused? What was I to do with the body? 
           What have I done!
           “Loser.” 
I jumped back. There was no blood. There was no body on the floor.
“You, loser. You’ll be coming to the golf course.” The ancient orange man turned back to Edith. “You will love it. Lie on one of those cots over there. I’ll be right over. It’ll be stupendous.”
           I looked to Nurse Edith. Her eye liner had run in rivulets down her cheeks, but she no longer cried. She was amazed that the man I’d just hit with a hammer was up and standing. As amazed as I was.
           “Come on, wench. If I hurry, I can still make the back nine. You won’t regret it. I guarantee that you’ll love it. I’m so great…”
           Edith met my eyes, ignoring the Emperor’s inane ramblings. Inane? I listened to him, then had to shut my ears. It was giving me a headache. Ignoring the idiot, I turned to the little; well, the term ‘vermin’ no longer applied. The beautiful creature that stood like a sixth finger on my palm. With hands on her hips and a smug little smile on her tiny face. “What have you done to me? I worshiped this blathering twit just hours ago. Now, his voice just…hurts.”
           “You wanna know why the Emperor Donny hates us elves? First off, you should know that he is under my protection as soon as I brought him here. That hitting him with a hammer?” She shrewdly appraised the nightmare mascaraed nurse. “I think he is more than just leering at you.” She looked at the Emperor, still blathering about his sexual prowess. “Hey, Donny!” The voice cut through the man’s noise, actually stopping it. He looked at her with a bit of trepidation. “It’s time I sent you back. To the back nine, Donny.”
           “No, no, I think I’ll walk. I’m a stupendous walker…” Was his orange countenance turning pale? “Great, wonderful day for a walk.”
           “You know the deal, Donny. I have to send you back. It’s in my contract. You are under my protection.”
           “No!” he yelped, then disappeared with all the air sucking out of the room and with a small flash. Even the nine iron was gone.
           “Donny,” the young lady on my palm said, “is from Scotland. Part Leprechaun, part bad human.” She put her hands on her hips (I swear, I didn’t see them go away from her hips). “When I took you two under my wings.” She glared at me. Me! “When I took you two under my wings, and I did, by the way.” I nodded my head yes, intimidated. “Well, the thing that uncle Donny was afraid of happened.”
           I looked to Nurse Edith. She was as clueless as me. But the way she looked at me, it broke my damned heart. “What?” It sounded loud.
           “What you were told, and, oh my God, for your whole life! What you thought was true, and the mind works that way, well, there’s a veil. It’s what makes you humans actually interesting.” She glared like that with, of course, hands on hips.
           I was silly and stupid. I looked to nurse Edith, and I became something else. I sighed; frustration, and something I didn’t understand. “What did you do?”
           The elf considered me for a moment. “The Emperor Donny believes all the words he says. I mean, he actually thought Edith’s life would be better if he had his way with her. When I sent him back, and he knows this, by the way, the veil in his mind was removed. He now sees things in the world as they really are.” She looked at me some more. “I guess you got a dose of that yourself when you saved my life.”
           I looked at Edith. And her ridiculous outfit. I handed her a baby wipe for her face. “Maybe things will be better. You know, now that Donny can see the truth.” I pulled out another wipe, to get the parts of Edith’s face that she missed. When I was done, she took my hand. “Maybe things will be better.”
                                                                       ***
           Nurse Edith came in. I was walking by, my cart’s garbage can full of unused sticky traps. She was wearing the pantsuit I’d bought her yesterday, and it looked good. I leered for a moment. She caught me and smiled back.
Mr. Snit came in, looked at her, and stopped. “What the hell are you wearing, sugar bum?”
I punched him. Emperor’s decree. I looked at Snit, sprawled on the floor. “Her name is Nurse Edith. That’s what you will call her.” He nodded back, rubbing his jaw.
I saw the headlines of the newspaper Snit had dropped. EMPEROR DONNY BEATS SELF TO DEATH WITH GOLF CLUB. It was a nine iron.
Good grief, what were we, as a nation, going to do?
                                                                       THE END