Decisions

Remi had finally done it. He’d finally cut contact with his relatives. They’d never loved him to begin with. They’d let their actions speak louder than words. He began letting his do the same. They’d seen him as an obligation. The black sheep who went against the grain. He’d often challenge them when something was said he didn’t agree with. The fact he was a semi open Trans man didn’t help. He wasn’t entirely open for obvious reasons while being open in some situations. Remi was raised in a small, conservative, highly religious area. It wasn’t exactly the best area to be an openly LGBTQ+ person. He no longer cared what his relatives thought. The confrontation was a long time coming. 


“It always seems like you’re wanting to argue about something” Remi retorted 
“She’s not-” her cousin Trina began
“You’re no better!” Remi exclaimed
What’s with you?” Trina asked
“I NEVER felt part of this family, that's what’s with me. I’ve always felt like the black sheep. Obligational love. Where were ANY of you after I got sick? Where were any of you when dad was having his health issues? Where were you people when my own mother died? WHY didn’t you have ANY conversation with me about my transition? Ya’ll apparently knew but never said one word to me or had any kind of conversation. Ya’ll brushed it under the rug instead. I’m over trying to be part of this family. Actions speak and ya’lls actions have spoken. I’m gonna let mine do the same. No more contact with you guys. Don’t expect me at anything anymore” Remi explained 

He reflected on the conversation he had with his mom when he came out to her. It was a conversation that went far better than he ever thought. Her acceptance meant the world to him. His dads lack of acceptance said everything about him. Remis' mom died when he was a teenager. He was barely in high school when she died of an aortic aneurysm. His dad found her already gone. He’d been diagnosed with Epilepsy two years earlier. He’d also told his mom everything. That he’d always felt like a boy. That he’d known he was a boy. She told him she’d known for a while. It wasn't entirely a surprise to her being something she said. Remi cried knowing his mother loved him for who he is. Both knew his dad would be harder to deal with. Both knew he likely wouldn’t be so accepting. He was nowhere near accepting. Julie had given him an ultimatum. To try accepting his son for who he was or get divorced for the second time. 

“I don’t care what you think, that’s your son. You heard him. He’s always known. He’d rather be himself and live happily than be miserable. What’s so hard to understand and love him for who he is” Julie explained
“I just don’t think-” he began
“We’re headed for divorce if you don’t try” she said before walking away

At that time frame he’d known just how serious she was. He did the bare minimum after that. They’d sat down with her side of the family first to let them know what was going on. They’d mentioned they already knew. In their own way. Julie went off on them asking why they didn’t bother to tell her, Max or Remi. She asked them why they had no conversations. With Remi especially. None of them had an answer. Julie's only response being how ashamed she was of them for not doing so. That seeing her, Max and Remi would depend on Remi from now on. He decided on the bare minimum of seeing them. Remis’ paternal side of the family loved him for who he was. They were far more accepting than his maternal side ever was. Her unexpected death a few years later meant he had to deal with the maternal side of the family that never accepted his child for who they are. Remi knew it was going to happen. He felt no obligation to “keep up the charade” as he’d put it after Julie died. It broke Remis heart knowing his dad was going against his mothers final wishes. 

“I knew this may happen. I knew it was likely going to happen actually. I prepared for it. I wasn’t as prepared as I thought though” Remi told Oliver
“Do you think you’ll be able to make it to graduation?” Oliver asked
“I don’t know. I’m going to try. I don’t know how but I’ll try” Remi responded

The conversation he had with his best friend Oliver meant the world to him. He reflected on that time in his life. How hard it was for him to get through the rest of his high school years. He’d somehow gotten through it. It’d been ten years since then. He was in his mid twenties. He was living his life far happier than before. He had hoped life would get better. He’d moved to New York after graduation. He was homeless but able to move there. He’d done odd jobs to make some money. He’d gone no contact with his family while tolerating his dad. He’d been able to save most of what he earned doing odd jobs. He didn’t care that he was homeless after getting to New York. He’d also gone low contact with his dad. 

He’d let his dad be in life after leaving for New York. The fight they had was the last straw. Remi had let Max know just how ashamed Julie would be of him. That she would’ve divorced him. Max knew Remi wasn’t lying. Remi no longer cared though. He was leaving for New York either way. Max knew Remi wasn’t going to look back after he left. Aside from keeping in touch with his bubby (Paternal grandmother) and letting her know how he was doing. She, along with Max, had saved some money for this very thing. Bubby Harriet far more than Max. She’d known for a while Remi was going to New York. She gave him hope. It was the place she’d once called home after all. He was proud to be her grandson. 

“Your mother and I had a long conversation after you came out. We both agreed if something were to ever happen to her that I’d be the one that gave you hope for your future. Your father simply would never love you for who you are. I tried talking to him to no avail obviously. Like you, I gave up on him” Bubby Harriet said
“I’m not surprised. I always had an inkling the two of you had a conversation about him. That the two of you planned. I’ve read all her letters at this point. It’s helped me through everything” Remi replied
You’ll love it there. I’m happy you’re going there. I’m sad to see you leave in some ways. I know where you’ll be” she said
“I’m as sad as you are. I’m going to miss being so close in distance to you. I want you to come see me after I have settled down somewhere. I want you to be my tour guide” Max requested, hoping she’d decide to do it

He was happy about all the decisions he’d made throughout his life. It’d been hard on him at times. He’d experienced discrimination in one way or another. His seizures had been under control. It didn’t change the fact he was unable to get a job. At home and since his move to New York. Nobody wanted to take a chance on him because of his seizures. His lack of experience didn’t help. A Cafe in Brooklyn gave her a chance though. He’d been homeless until then. He’d let his actions speak for him the entire time. He’d been openly Trans. He’d also been open about his seizures. How well managed his seizures were. Everyone at Froggers Cafe loved him for who he is. He was happier there. He’d managed to get a studio nearby. She’d been in a nearby abandoned building for the last month while applying for jobs. 

“I’m happy I got my things fully moved into the apartment” Remi said
“I’m happy also. You’re finally out of that incredibly tiny makeshift room in the back of the Cafe” Emery laughed 
“Yeah. I feel that” Remi cackled 
“Time to get back to work” Emery sighed 
“Yeah, I’m looking forward to tonight. I can sleep in my own place” Remi smiled

Remi reflected on the last year of his life. He was far happier than he’d ever been. He had been homeless. He’d been roaming around looking for jobs. He’d conserved the money he had. From the odd jobs as well as what his dad and Bubby gave him. He only spent money for the bare essentials. He’d managed to get odd jobs around the city. As infrequent as they had been. It kept him afloat. He’d let her know everything. She’d even come to visit him knowing she may not be able to at some point. It was hard for her to come back. She was willing to do it for him. He’d been in a hostel each time. She didn’t mind. They weren’t there most of the time. It was the studio apartment he was proud of most. It was a place of his own. It meant a more stable place for when Bubby Harriet came to visit. He knew time was fleeting for her. The end was near. He hoped she’d be able to come up once more. 

Life happened. Two years passed. He’d been able to move into a two bedroom apartment near the Cafe. She was no longer able to come visit after a while. She’d been able to come up a few more times. She got to see his beautiful two bedroom apartment. Her death broke him. He dropped everything to go to Miami to say his goodbyes to her. He knew he’d have to be around his dad. He wasn’t sure how he was going to handle it. He knew he’d get through it though. It was the first time he’d spoken to Adam since moving to New York. He was a shell of the person Remi saw when he left. As if he’d given up on life. 

“I’m happy she was able to come up a few times” Remi said
“Me too. She‘ll always be with you” Oakley said
“Yeah, I know. I do live where she grew up after all. I’ll always have a piece of her” Remi replied

Max wanted to reconcile. His mother had given him a piece of her mind. She’d practically disowned him for his actions. His siblings did the same. He’d kept himself busy in one way or another. Life wasn’t the same. He’d felt alone. He’d reconciled with his family over one year after they stopped talking to him. They let him know they’d not pass any messages on to Remi. He’d have to do it himself. Not once did he do so. He’d felt too ashamed. Remi wasn’t sure what to make of what was happening. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to give his dad a chance either. He knew his Bubby would encourage him to reconcile. Remi was only doing it for her. For his own mother as well. 

He’d laid out all of the boundaries. He remembered what his mom and Bubby told him. What they’d say. What they’d do. He was only giving Max one chance. If he messed it up it was no contact for good. Max was hesitant at first. He knew what he had to do in order to keep Remi in his life. Max decided to go back up to New York with Remi. To see the two bedroom apartment Remi lived in. To meet the friends he made. To meet his co-workers. To go around the city with him during the little time off Remi had. Max felt uncomfortable the entire time. He didn’t understand any of it. He began trying. He asked questions. To Remi and everyone else. He told Remi about the letters Julie left behind for him. The conversations he had with Bubby. How he’d not reached out for a variety of reasons. That he wanted to try even though he was uncomfortable. That life is about decisions. Remi had made decisions that helped his life while he’d made poor decisions that left him alone and isolated. Remi hoped Max was genuine. He chose to give Max a chance hoping he’d really changed