Onward

Depression is the curse of sorts on my mothers side. Most of the relatives that were in my life at one point dealt with it. A few in my generation included. Aside from my younger sister and myself obviously. I felt more alone around them as time went on. I never really felt loved by them. Especially after mom died. Her unexpected death from a Brain Aneurysm changed my life. I fell into a deep depression after that. Things she’d told me kept me going though. They became people related to me. They’d failed me as family. They didn’t like it when I confronted them. I’d told them things they didn’t want to hear. That I’d rather not be around them anymore. Their actions spoke far louder than anything they’d ever said to me. That my mother, grandmother and great grandmother would be ashamed of them. Not to mention other family members that had passed on that I did consider family. I left feeling a sense of freedom. A sense of freedom born of not wanting to say my feelings. I had no problem telling people the truth after that when people asked how any of them were doing. A shocked response being the only response they had. A response that led to questions I happily answered. 

“You really said all of that to them?” Dee mentioned
“Yeah, I did. It was years of pent up feelings. I’d spent most of my life keeping quiet to maintain their reputation” I answered
“It’s surprising they did that though” Maggie responded
“They’re all about appearances and reputation. People don’t realize everything that went on because of that. It doesn’t help they’re well known either” I said
“Aren’t they privileged as well?”
“Very much so, yes. Their privilege and lack of understanding, along with ignorance, is why they never loved me for who I am. And why they never helped. Their actions spoke far louder. So I let mine do the same” I sighed

Dee and Maggie were close friends with my relatives. They didn’t realize everything I said until I spoke up. They didn’t realize what I’d gone through after my sister’s death especially. That they hadn’t bothered to help, or even reach out, after she got sick. They too saw my relatives separate themselves from everyone else at the funeral. Their views on my relatives drastically changed after that. They didn’t want any part of them anymore. Understandably so. They’d grown up around my relatives. They’d always gotten the impression of privilege and ignorance. It took me sharing my experiences that solidified their suspicions. It didn’t change the depression I’d begun feeling far more after my sister’s death. The deep depression I’d fallen into after my sister's death went far deeper than I let on. It became a cyclical depression as time went on. The toxic living environment I was stuck in didn’t help. At all. I wanted to leave. Even if it meant being homeless. I knew I would be in the event I left. I wasn’t able to save as much as I wanted. My job pays minimum wage. Along with unlivable hours. I had food stamps. It helped. To an extent. It helped me save a little bit. Not enough though. Unfortunately. I had a plan though. One I was already put into motion. Things were my dad was saying and doing that I didn’t agree with. 

“You’ve been….. quiet. Unusually so actually” Ben questioned
“Yeah, I’ve got a lot going on. In my head and otherwise. And not enough time” I noted
“Everything is too much isn’t it?” He asked
“Yeah, obviously. Understatement though. I’ve packed most of my stuff up already” I retorted
“He’s getting worse, isn’t he?” He inquired
”Yeah, I’ve challenged him. A few times. He couldn’t respond knowing I’m right” I answered
“Not surprising. Sounds like he’s got Dementia. Early stages in the lease” he laughed
“Yeah, I know. I don’t care what stage he’s in. His actions are inexcusable” I replied

Ben had become one of the closest people to me. Even though he lived just outside Orlando. It was him that got me away for a weekend at times. When I had an entire weekend off anyway. I was happy he was in my life. He was one of the few people that understood me. Most didn’t. I had distanced myself from most people after I came out as Trans. I’d called everyone out in a blanket post on social media. I shared my own story. I shared the realities of Trans Athletes, the laws with Trans Athletes in sports, along with a few other pertinent things people needed to know. I turned off the comments to prevent comments I knew would happen. I didn’t expect those who do love me to share my post and that I’m still the same person. I’m simply living as the person I’ve always known to be is the only difference. They mentioned the signs were always there. The way I dressed. The way I behaved. My hairstyle. Things that aligned with me being Male. Dad didn’t like that. Of course. I challenged him when he said anything about it. I told him my mom and sister would be ashamed of him for saying everything he’s said. The fight happened as a result. It didn’t take long for me to pack the rest of my things and leave for a nearby hotel while I made plans to leave after getting to the hotel. 

Ben and I both knew the fight with dad was coming. We’d seen it a mile away. As did a select few others. His actions were beginning to speak for him. I’d told him everything he needed to hear before leaving. He’d left the house in a huff. He didn’t want to smash anything in a rage. We were in a rental after all. It gave me time to pack and let my best friend, Adam know. His Italian side came out. He’d been there for me through everything. I’d become part of his family over time. I spent more time there than at my own house after a while. For obvious reasons. I’d packed everything up I needed to. With his help obviously. I finished laundry just in time. It was the last thing I packed before we left for the hotel. I’d saved up enough to leave anytime I wanted. I’d been able to make some money from my drawings. It meant I had another source of income after I left. My last act before leaving was letting my job know I’m leaving. They were obviously sad to see me go. They knew it was a matter of time though. 

“You’re going to Miami Beach, aren’t you?” He chuckled
“OBVIOUSLY” I laughed
“I figured. You’re really going to leave tomorrow?” He asked
“Yeah, I don’t want to stay any longer than I need to” being my only response
“How?”
“I’m taking the train down. I’m going to the station in Ocassie” I said
“I’m not surprised” he smiled
“Yeah I know. I’m going to be up early, it’s going to be a long ride. I don’t care though. Worth every bit of it” I answered
Yeah, I know. I’ll be down there soon enough” he mentioned
”Yeah, I know” I noted
I reflected on everything that happened in the last three months as the train took off to Miami Beach. Dee and Maggie had distanced themselves from my relatives. As did half a dozen other people I’d told when my relatives came up in conversation. I reflected more on the fight with dad far more. I knew everything was going to come out in the next few days. I knew his actions would speak far louder as well. He’d already been lying to me along with downplaying everything with his recent health issues. I no longer cared what was going to happen to him. I hadn’t cared for a while. He wasn’t listening to me. Or his doctors. He wasn’t taking care of himself like he needed to. He hadn’t been for a while. I’d taken a gargantuan step back. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want it. He didn’t seem to want the help he needed. His own doctors were no longer willing to help him because of decisions he made. I was happy I was finally leaving. For a better life. 

Six hours passed. I was in Miami. The last stop was a spot at the Airport. I’d figured everything out by then. I’d booked a hotel I knew I could afford near the airport. I’d even applied to jobs I was interested in. I planned to roam Miami Beach tomorrow. I hoped to hear something from somewhere by the end of tomorrow. I’d planned on going to most of them tomorrow to talk to whoever I needed to. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I was hoping for the best. I realized just how free I felt in the six hours it took by train to get to South Florida from rural Florida. I was happier. I felt completely free. Dad had texted me a million times by now. To “make amends” as he put it. I told him it wasn’t happening. I’d already left. That he was on his own from now on. I had no interest in making any kind of amends. He made the bed he now has to lay in. He surprisingly stopped texting me after that. I unpacked everything, put it all away, took a shower and went to bed. 

Can I speak to a manager please” I politely asked
“Yeah, sure” the hostess replied
“Hi, I’m Max. Nice to meet you” he said a few minutes later
“I’m Ari, nice to meet you too. I applied yesterday. I was wondering if you received it?” I inquired
“Yes actually I did. I was just going over it actually. I am interested. Do you have some time for a quick interview?” He asked
”I have as much time as you want or have for an interview” I chuckled
”Awesome. Let’s go this way to my office” he said while turning around 

I was in a far better place in my life. Mentally and physically. For once in my life. I didn’t realize just how bad my depression was until my first week in Miami Beach. I was hired as a Dishwasher. On the spot no less. At one of the fancier places in Miami Beach. I was making good money as well. Max understood my situation. He knew it would be a few months before I was closer to work. He admired my work ethic. That I was there at least thirty minutes before I started my shift every time I worked. I’d take the bus that goes straight to Miami Beach from the airport each time. I was often seen admiring everything in those thirty minutes. Or drawing. Both even at times. Drawings I’d eventually sell for extra money. People passing by would see them. It didn’t take long for my drawings to be sold after that. It left me in awe that complete strangers were as interested as those roaming Miami Beach. There were more than a few other things that were normal in the area I wasn’t used to. It left me filled with hope for my future