The Whoopsiedoodle Company

It was a workday, like any other workday, totally messed-up at the Whoopsiedoodle company. Other companies you could take seriously, but ours was the epitome of bad ideas, failed schemes, and other dubious nonsense. Other bosses could kind of disguise their plans as good for you or the public, but ours could say just what they meant. You'll see what I mean when I, Mr. M. Barrassed, take you through our typical workday.

Our three office geniuses, Harry, Barry, and Llyod are at the water cooler again playing the rock, paper, scissors game again. They look more like the goof patrol in person, really. Anyway, their game is over will have to be the stooge to take the bad news to one of our bosses, Matt Flat, that one of the machines is broken once again. They have stopped the game and seemed to have a "winner".

"Aw, you lose, Llyod, better go tell Matt the undergarment machine is broken," Harry remarked, snickering the whole time.

"Again?" Llyod asked.

"Yeah, better get going," Barry prompted with a chuckle. Llyod's shoulders droops as he slowly crept off to Matt's office.

Yes, we make undergarments, among other oddball things. Our company likes to spread itself thin all in the glory of making a profit. We love capitalism, yes we do, even if we have to hurt ourselves accomplishing it. After all, the bosses would be upset if we didn't do all we could for every bottom dollar we could grab. Bottom dollar, indeed--bottom-feeding, more like it.

"It what--again?! That new gear was supposed to save money!' We all heard Matt's lovely voice yelling at the top of his lungs, even though the door was closed. " Get over to the acquisition team and tell them to buy better equipment or else!"

Llyod was attempting to exit the office as he timidly eked out, "Yes, sir! Right away!" He saluted his boss.

"Oh, and just for bringing the bad news, please feel free to run around the block 10 times, shouting, 'Matt is the greatest boss on Earth!' repeatedly. After all, you have to do it, or I will roll you down the highest hill in the land in a garbage can after work! Dismissed!" Matt ordered him, as Llyod practically fled the office in terror. He seemed to fly across the main room into the where the acquisition team, not stopping for anything. I mean anything, as he knocked Marta's coffee all over the floor.

"Hey!" Marta exclaimed, but he didn't even look back while he trod brown liquid footsteps toward his destination.

If you think that's bad, you might want to try sitting in on one of the office meetings. They discuss plans for the future like they are alien invaders making a planetary conquest. The CEO, Gio Whiz, loves to come in and rouse up the space troopers as if they are burning down the local village with a laser show.

"And furthermore, team work is of the utmost importance. In fact so important, you must treat anyone not in compliance with it as though they are a hunk of rotting cheese and lock them in the back room with the bars on it until they stop stinking! Am I clear?" Gio said during the last meeting.

"Yes, Mr Whiz, abundantly clear," the whole staff seemed to mindlessly utter as if utterly bored with the whole topic because it seemed to come up in some form every time.

"And what do we want as bosses for our company to do?" Gio asked the management team.

"Our goal is to have our company take over the Earth, every last bit, from sea to shining sea! Our products must dominate the minds of everyone they can at any cost except to the company!" The bosses responded enthusiastically as they cheered.

Then at the end of it all he always exits to "Hail to the Chief" or "God Save the Queen" whatever you know that song as. I think it should be, "God Save the Earth from the 'Whoopsiedoodle Company.'"

Well, back to the present, this was the day of all days. After all the to-do at the company this morning, we went to lunch and had to pass by the open windows in the hall. As we stood in line, we could clearly hear Llyod's voice ascending and descending as he moved past the building ten times. "Matt is the greatest boss on Earth!" was repeated over and over in a cringeworthy moment. Cringeworthy as in, I hoped I wasn't next.

As I was making may way to the tray area, hoping to snag the tastiest treat in the cafeteria--and believe me that wasn't expecting much--I heard the fire alarm ring. As my hopes to get an acceptable tasting lunch that wasn't the consistency of shoe leather were dashed, I heard the intercom snap on, along with an explosion.

"Attention all Whoopsiedoodle employees, this is your fearless leader Matt. This is not a fire drill, run for your lives--well in an orderly fashion at least! All the circuits are shorting out because someone flooded the factory with gallons of water accidentally. All the electronics are failing and what is not underwater is burning to a crisp! Save yourselves, because I'm saving myself. Bye-ye!" Then we could hear him jumping out the window, which lucky for him--not for us, was on the first floor.

It was like a stampede everywhere in the company, but everyone got out alive anyway--which is pretty good except for people who really, really didn't like the bosses. The whole factory and offices were a loss, except for some of the more inedible things they tried to pass off as food in the cafeteria. You would have thought this would be the end of the Whoopsiedoodle company, but unfortunately not.

After being out of work for a week, I got a letter from Matt. It read,

"Dear Mr. M. Barrassed;

Good news! The fire insurance covered the full cost of the company. We have purchased another building of almost equal worth in the downtown district. It will soon be up and running and all our employees can return to work, isn't that great?

In the mean time, we will set up a system where our office staff can work from home and help get us back to full 'Earth Conquering' speed! Hope to see your lovely faces on a conference call! You all will get a nickel raise, isn't it wonderful?

Sincerely,
Matt "the greatest" Flat"
Assistant Manager

Oh goody gosh! I get to go back to work--oh yay! Joy of joys! Rapture! I guess it's better than starving to death. Ooh, a whole nickel, I am saved! So until find a way out of my insane asylum job, I will see all you later. Well, that's if they don't find a way to accidentally blow an atomic crater into the place where this new office stands, but hopefully--see you.